Broken but Living

It's crazy how as a child we spend our time wishing we were already adults. Not realizing the many things that being an adult brings. My number one most hated responsibility as an adult is nothing I imagined as a child. Paying bills!

I remember getting upset with my mom as a child and wishing I could move out. Funny how my child brain didn't grasp the idea that moving out came with.. ding ding ding you guessed it bills! Also let's not forget the never ending stress of maintaining my livelihood. Which at times not only test my patience, but my self control. No one can imagine how many times I have mentally choked another person while sitting behind my desk at work, and to be honest that's probably a good thing. As it was just mental.

The thing I am realizing now is that I didn't quite understand the gem I had as a child. My mother made sure I had literally everything needed for me to enjoy my young life. The clothes, the shoes, food, toys, video games etc. I had it all. I was happy, I lived my life around family. Little kickbacks thrown at our home that we shared with my Aunt who may as well have been my dad. My other siblings, and cousins would come to join us often. My mom and aunts would have seafood while the kids were stuck with something ranging from hotdogs to Popeyes. Another thing that made me wish I was an adult. I am laughing now because as a child I don't ever think I contemplated about the cost of food. I just ate and wished I could be eating the same thing as my mom. I remember her favorite line was, "do you have (insert whatever I am asking for) money." As we all know I did not and if I did I certainly never wanted to spend it on food, the irony.

My childhood had downs and ups but I wouldn't trade it for the world because at least everyone I loved was a part of my life at the time. They nurtured me and loved me. Most importantly they accepted every part of me. My mother used to have to deal with so much from me. I am vocal, opinionated and stubborn. That is a lot to raise, add hurt on to that and basically she had to raise a tornado. However, I am also loyal, forgiving, and loving. I helped when it was needed and for us age was just a number. My mother was a single mother who chose to me and everyone of her other children. For us she sacrificed, she gave up free time, sleep, and money. None of that bothered her though because we were her all and that's what she needed.

My mom was born March 27th 1966. I was apart of her world for half of her lifetime. She loved me so much that she shared her secrets and life with me as much as I wanted. If I had questions she answered, if I was scared she came through with my strength and protection. She was apart of my world for 29 years and 51 weeks. On June 5, 2021 my world shattered and I doubt the pieces will ever be put back together the same. She succumbed to her battle against Covid-19. I lost my mother and that didn't stop the world that didn't lessen my responsibilities. It brought me to a place though. A place where I realized that I am so much more than I ever imagined.

Since June 5, 2021 I realized that I am super human. My response to tragedy or hardships is to push harder. I have taken on the task of being a support system to not only my children, but now I support my grandmother, my siblings. Now I have to better than I ever was so that my mothers sacrifices are not in vain. I am being every part of myself. The creator, the mother, the caregiver, the accomplisher. The person I am today understands that there is no such thing as a permanent roadblock. You just have to have the drive and patience to get around the things that are blocking the path you wish to pursue. There is nothing that is impossible to me and what I believe to be true will surely occur.

Today I am doing whatever I desire as long as it keeps me aligned with my morals, values, and beliefs. Losing my mother has helped me find myself because I can no longer hide behind the protection of the only super hero I've ever known. Now I have to be the super hero; I am okay with that. Where I seek change it will come. What I want to accomplish I will through hard work and dedication. The worst period in my timeline is turning me into everything that my God wrote out when he designed my story. Life is daily changes and either you are going to accept them and be who you know you are in your spirit or you are going to drown in them. We all go through something that helps us grow, makes us more responsible. I guess some would call it coming of age.