At What Cost

James Baldwin once said, "Not everything that is faced cam be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." It is suppose to be life changing. However, the steps before you actually get there are what no body can actually tell about. Why? Well, for one, it is different for everyone. My change was one that I am weird about. I left. I started a new life in Maine, not thinking that when I finally did come back home how different everything would be.

I left in June. My face bright, and my eyes held confidence like never before. In turn, I thought this was going to be the break that I needed. The path to finding out who I am exactly. Leaving behind my family and friends that I actually cared about and promises that I know now were just empty lies, I drove the twenty-seven plus hours to Maine from Mississippi (not a fun drive for an African-American female, let me tell ya). In front of me was a wonderland of possibilities. The most important lesson I learned though was to never be afraid to be you.

So I lived. I lived an unapologetic life not excusing the mediocracy of those that I once held dear. I found a new me. My head held high when I walk and a purpose in my strides, it felt as if I was reborn. I even acted different. My body took a change like no other. My breasts didn't suffocate me, I could run without being to out of breath, and my clothes wore loosely on me. At the time, I thought that I had found me, the real Me. But now. Now I know that those changes came at a cost. But isn't that just life. There is always a tug to a pull.

My mental status was a little rocky. But compared to my 2020 breakdowns, this was an improvement. TikTok had a majority impact on it mainly because I wanted to be something. I wanted to be known and loved, no matter what I was known and loved for. Especially seeing people younger and the same age as me thriving, I wanted that life. At the same time, I was seeing people who were getting married, having babies and starting a family, or just improving to where I thought I had to be. Knowing full well what it takes to be famous and not wanting my privacy taken away from me, or that everyone has their time. I couldn't accept the fact that my time had not came. I couldn't separate reality from my pride. However, I stuffed the pain and misery down. The fake smiles with genuine happiness for other people's accomplishments, but pain for me because of an unavoidable pity party I kept throwing myself in my thoughts.

Times were tough, but manageable. I even found myself happy. But deep down, I knew something was fixing to change. People who I had called friends, family even, were distant. But how do you say that someone is different when you aren't even around anymore. You have no place. That still didn't change the fact that I wanted an answer. I saw the way they were treating other people. That was my biggest flaw though. Trying to hold on to something that I already knew was a lost cause. Sometimes, I just have to let people do them.

Another lesson that I had to learn. People are going to do what they are going regardless. The fact that I know not to expect much, I still have that thought that I would not treat them how they treated me. But that is a childish mindset. Right?

Besides my friends evolving, my family was as well. My sisters, the oldest at least, she is on a path that I can no longer shield her from. That hurts my heart to the point that I haven't actually talked to her to get her side of things. Maybe because the case is kind of a open and shut. This has a put a dent in what I left everything to being. Now here I am, writing like I have a digital diary, and I am lost on my path. I found myself to an extent when leaving, but at what cost? My life has became that one person in the movies who are sitting alone at a bar on a holiday when it is meant for family. This might not be the end. I do have more to tell, but I don't want to bore you. But for now, it was nice talking.