Accept

The fundamentals behind losing someone who you solely have cared about, still very much do and will always, is the hardest part about being a human being. But, before I get into the gory details of how relationships suck and you should never fall in love. I will say I definitely don't agree. I am only 19 years old experiencing my 3rd breakup. This one was long-term, and when I say long term I mean in teenage terms (3 years). During this breakup the whirlpool of emotions both physically and mental have been absolutely tragic, but then it got me wondering, what am I actually feeling? And how does anyone ever get over these feelings?

So I'm going to begin with talking about how I am a psychotic researcher and am a very methodological thinker. I need reasons and practical answers. Funny I say that as I'm writing because writing is a spectrum of imaginability to which there are no wrong or right answers, which I hate. Anyways, during my research on breakups I came across one thing that really stuck out to me.

I will say one statement then elaborate ‘emotional pain is on the same equilibrium as physical pain’. Now I will explain both personally and empirically. First before I explain I think a background on my most recent relationship will do just fine. Honestly I've had some bad relationships, made some horrible decisions as you can imagine, I was in such a bad way before I met him. I had severe bulimia, getting drunk every weekend to numb all my pain and trauma. But, when I met him all the bad stuff just went away. Cringe to say but yes we were two peas in a pod. Now after we hit 2.5 years, we got comfortable, we stopped trying and the anxiety and expectations of relationships really hit me. I felt us both losing ourselves and the things we used to do to each other. But you can't lose yourself in a relationship, because you will miss you, at one point in time you will think ‘what happened to me?’. Sometimes you just need to be by yourself to collect your thoughts, it's an overwhelming thing. Especially if the other person is making you feel responsible for their sole happiness. But I wanted to help. I thought I was bringing you peace to the chaos that was going on in my mind.

The chaos went a little like this, a lot can agree. But do keep in mind these feelings were temporary and with the right strategies and medication I have changed my outlook of the beautiful thing we call life. This is how depression and your brain can change you and bring a black cloud over your whole soul being. People would ask, “Are you okay?”, It felt like looking in the mirror and being disgusted by what you see, going to sleep and not wanting to wake up, overthinking every single thing someone says, constant feeling of dread in the bottom of your stomach and chest, but the hardest part of this disease is not being able to tell anyone that, saying that you're forever okay even though your not. The thought that disappointing someone you love more than yourself is the most selfish thing you could do. But I'm wrong, your brain is your worst enemy and you cannot let it control you.

However, the hardest thing for me is, Your first healthy relationship after a lifetime of toxicity, no one talks about it. It's hard to unlearn all the toxic behaviours you have grown up knowing and adopting as coping mechanisms. How hard it is to convince yourself that is ok now and how to truly accept the real love. But losing the one person that actually made you feel something, destroys you.

I feel as though I am the way I am now is a theory I have and some will relate. Some people who become obsessed with psychology and personality types are the children who were never understood at home, they try to understand you with every detail. Because it would mean the world to them if someone would have done the same for them.

The physical pain weeks before I knew I was ready to become independent was unbearable. I was hospitalised for severe anxiety which made me both nearly faint at work but also constantly feel like my chest weighed 200kgs. I could barely stay sober and in my own thoughts. Finally, I bit the bullet and ended it, and believe me it wasn't easy. I still shake in anxiety every time I think of him.

Now, From the extensive research I have conducted I will explain from a neuroscience perspective. Cognitive scientists at the Columbian University looked at the brain activity in people with unwanted breakups, using MRI scans. They used photos of their ex partner and then normal friends as a comparison to determine the difference in the rumination between the two. They found that two specific brain functions lit up when a photo of an ex partner was shown. These two specific functions are the Insula and the Anterior Cingulate Cortex which are characterised as the function that processes physical pain in the brain. By this, the study implies that your brain considers emotional pain just as important as physical pain. Now I believe that this is not just considered for breakups, all mental health issues have the same reaction on the brain. The brain is a beautiful thing but is very subjective and almost impossible to measure. However, I believe emotional pain is far worse than physical pain, you break your arm, you're in a cast, you have painkillers, then it's fixed. People have the burden of emotional pain for years, even lifetimes.

As I continue to write, A week later from my very last sentence, I will say I never truly understood the capacity that this breakup would have on my mental and physical health. I physically cannot eat more than a couple bites of food that is forced down my throat, if even that. I've lost 7kgs in a week and a half and am about to be admitted to hospital. I can barely stay sober and in my own thoughts. To this person, if you ever do read this I am deeply sorry and hope you never find someone like me. Because I was not a good person to you, and shouldn't be in a relationship with an amazing one. And the reason I say this is because how can you hate yourself so much then paradoxically receive so much love in return. But there is a beautiful saying if they are your soulmate they will let you go yet always return back to you.

But For whatever happens next, whatever occurs now that our chapter is closed. As we start to make new memories and experiences, sadly without each other. I just want you to know, I adored you, I loved you with every single ounce of my soul. You will always have a reserved seat in my heart and our memories framed in my mind. Because you were my person and I was yours.

I want you to be happy,

And will wish you the best from a distance,

But the version of you and me that we both fell in love with no longer exists,

We don't know each other anymore,

Because if we did

We would be holding hands, kissing and fighting for each other.

So yes I still love you and always will but I am not in love with you because I do not know who you are anymore.

And the only way to get over someone is to truly let them go and accept that they will never be in your life again, just a stranger that you share amazing memories with.

Now that was a bit depressing, But the main stage of grieving someone is sadness. However, these feelings are normal and you are not alone. The beauty of life and the path you are one is magical. I never thought I would be open to some experiences I have received since the breakup. I have been scouted for modeling at an agency that wants to take me to London and Paris on and off for this year. Received a 90k paying job at a marketing firm. Things do get better and you never know what is around the corner.