A Simple Change in Perspective

A few months ago, my therapist touched on the question: who is Adora?

There are the obvious answers of course: daughter, granddaughter, Christian, mother, homeschool teacher, etc.

But, those are merely like job titles or diplomas. You can have many over the course of your life - but they don't really define who you are.

Then there are the answers other people have given me - both good and bad: golddigger, bitch, lover, true friend, warrior, crazy girl, sweetheart, etc.

But, those are merely other's perspectives of me... and if I am to be quite honest, to the people who stated them, they are factual in their stories.

For an example of a negative, I was a golddigger to the individual who called me that and who said that I took everything from them - and that everyone knew it. It upset me that it was said in front of little ears. It upset me because that is only one part of the story. But, in that part of the story, yes, I was a golddigger who took only what was needed to raise littles in stability when someone decided that it wasn't the life he wanted anymore. I was also the one who forgave (but never forgot) each "accident" that tore pieces of my heart out until I had nothing left to give... and ran to the worst fear of my life - the court system - to plead for help... only to realize that I was trapped somewhere where I was terrified to say too much - even without his presence. It took months before I started even considering telling the full story... and will probably be years before I actually do tell the full story because I think I look terribly weak and pathetic in the full story.

For an example of a positive, the same individual called me a sweetheart with the patience of a Saint. At that point in the story, it was also true. It upsets me because I shouldn't have had to have the patience of a Saint to be with another adult. It is bittersweet because I love the pet name sweetheart, but will always remember the promises that never came to fruition with the boy who made them. I say boy because a man would never have treated his love the way that happened behind closed doors - because I was his sweetheart who had the patience of a Saint.

That being said, I am not other's perspectives of me. Those are merely labels that other's have given to me in the chapters of their lives that they needed said label in.

So... who am I?

I don't know.

I am the person who is happy being alone most of the time.

I am the person who occasionally tries to live her life how other's want her too - and fails spectacularly!

I am the person who is learning that she has a voice... and that she can be a loud advocate for her children... it's still a work in progress but the last time someone tried to dissect her parenting, tried to imply that her concerns were only hers and not other professional's as well, and told her "that's enough" of voicing concerns... well... I am ever so happy to report that lit a fire back in my soul and I am about to get even louder.

I am the person who cried tonight as the grief of saying goodbye to a decade of my life hit me again as the Dad from Disney's Onward disappeared with a final goodbye. Yet, instead of being intense and feeling the urge to run from it, I held the space and allowed the tears to fall without judgment. I will quite always grieve that "should have beens" - but, isn't that part of life?

When you lose someone you loved to death (or the realization that they never were who they lead you to believe they would be, IF you only did xyz first), you will always miss them. But, you have to go forward without them in the same way the movie Onward ended. It is very bittersweet.

I am the person who is forgiving herself for all of the things she didn't know. I am the person who is trying to hold kindness and empathy for herself. I am the person who bought new boots that force me to stand up straight (instead of trying to hide); the person who bought a new wardrobe and make-up so that I could feel beautiful again (instead of wearing baggy clothes to avoid closer inspection by other's around me); and the person who chooses to have very high standards in her personal life. Not everyone is allowed access to the kingdom that she is building for herself and for her children.

I am the person who is very hard to impress. You see, the little things are what impresses me... things that not many would think of as amazing traits: the way one has with children, the helping someone to their vehicle or to cross the road expecting nothing in return, the admiring the relaxing lick of the flames of either candles or oil lamps & the shadows they create, the time spent doing a puzzle or playing a game, the time around a campfire whispering secrets that don't seem so scary in the moonlight, the quiet words that no one else is allowed to hear besides your soul in that moment of time and trust, a phone call even when you are exhausted after a long day at work just to visit for the 15 minute drive home, the doing a craft together, the pulling over on a back road to blast the song playing on the radio and dance & sing along even though we all know that I have 2 left feet and can't carry a tune, the hiking up a trail to savor the view - and potentially take the time to capture a couple of images, and the savoring a home cooked meal together without complaining that I wanted to use my favorite China set.

These are all simple, little things that are very expensive. Because your time is valuable - and so is mine. We only have so much time in our lives and I treasure that you chose to share yours with me. I am learning to treasure my time and energy in the same way as I do with other's.

Adora is someone who is very special, very unique, and a person I have to admit is very intimidating to even me because it takes a strength of character to stay true to the little things while surrounded by the messages of more is better.

As her mother and grandmothers told her decades ago, Adora is a gift sent by God. And looking at everything I have written, I would agree. You see, some could argue that the plagues on Egypt were a gift to Pharaoh in an effort for him to see a better life for his people... and yet Pharaoh was a "hard-hearted tyrant" who lost everything he treasured as he refused to learn the lesson God was trying to teach him. Adora is the type of person who'd rather learn the lesson sooner than later.

Adora is the person who will show you what love is and then end up mirroring yourself back to you. Adora doesn't mind being mirrored back to... her children are a lot like her and she typically doesn't mind looking in the very specific mirror that little's show their parent's. *smile*

Adora is loved and hated, despised and treasured, and she doesn't really care what you think of her as long as she can look in the mirror and love herself the same way that she loves others.