A Letter to the Life I Survived

Some stories aren’t written — they’re lived. This is one of them.

This letter is for the girl I used to be. For the mother I was never allowed to be. For anyone trying to find their wings in a world that keeps them caged.

I survived. And now, I speak.

Dear Lasha,

I don’t understand a lot of things, but maybe you can help me with it, if you can. So, I became a mom years ago and being a parent is tough….

Wait. Hold on…let me rephrase that. Being a parent while not being able to parent your own child is very tough. Let me explain, so do you remember my father? The one that didn’t want to be my parent, but want to be a parent to everyone else kids? The one that if I even try to be to do something to make him proud, the only thing that I get in return is how I could do it better? Oh, I forgot, the one that left me at the gas station when I was 10 years old?

Yep, that guy.

Trying to parent my child around him is like me getting the police called on me by the robber that’s robbing my house. Yeah, not fair. Seriously, I was made to feel like I’m my child’s sibling than their own parent. I had to run everything by him if I wanted to do anything for my child. Working was even more tough. I remember when he got mad because I wouldn’t get off work because my child was crying, and he was watching him. He even called my job to tell me that if I don’t get off work, he will drive off a cliff with my child. Yeah, you know how this story ends, I got fired because this was not his first time doing it.

Don’t get me started on when my child gets away with everything, even almost hitting me with a toy. He says it happened and said, “You deserve it for popping my grandchild.” The child got pop because they kept spraying lotion on the floor after I told them to stop more then 2 times. I even got hit with the end of a wood broom stick on my head. Reasons for my headaches. I thought that I was a bad parent, but I wasn’t. I remember that when I was pregnant, he told me that God told him that I will “Suffer for having a child at a young age” and that he will make sure that he will “enforce God’s punishment” on me for the rest of my life.

The only thing that I can say now is that I’m happy that I don’t live there anymore. I don’t want to go back there and deal with that ever again. For the love of my child, I had suffered so much because of their grandfather. The lying, the beatings, the pain, loss of jobs, and being kicked out while being threating to be kill by him if I didn’t leave. Yes! He had a gun and threatened to shoot me if I didn’t leave. I felt so defeated. I came back after he tells me those lies that made me have hope. I wish I would’ve left that house for good, but I didn’t know where to go with a young child.

All I have to say is, I’m glad to be free from those chains. I’m glad that I am no longer a caged bird. Now I can spread my wings. I am free!

Love,

Me