A Brief Intro to Things I Haven't Achieved

To start, I want to share a brief list of everything I’ve written since leaving University.

- 4 diary entries

- 1 recipe for “Posh Leftovers”

- 32 newsletters for a failed marketing career

- 6,000ish emails

- 17,000 texts to friends about the latest gossip and memes

Huh, turns out the full list is pretty brief anyway.

Lately I’ve found myself in a position that I can’t imagine is very rare. As many naive 21 years olds do when they leave Uni, I always thought that “it won’t be me who gives up my creative ambitions to end up in a boring office job”, but it’s funny how quickly that slips away when you start needing to pay for rent and food (plus some semblance of a social life) with your own money!

As a large child, with a big mouth and little social restraint, I was a almost a natural for acting (or, as good as 5 year olds get!). This was always my only real passion running all the way up to college. I then also picked up writing across a host of different mediums, mainly dependent on whatever art form I thought was coolest at the time.

By a Uni my “career” as an actor/director/writer/producer was in full swing, even scooping myself a few awards (yes, "Most Improved" still counts as an award). At times I even found myself returning to campus when I had no exams or lectures just to take part in these shows. My uni was small, though quite heavily invested in the arts. It was amazing seeing the budget the uni would put towards our shows, but i’ll always appreciate the time and effort my colleagues and friends put towards my silly ideas.

Despite always knowing, deep down, that it I didn’t want to take it up as a job… I adored every minute I could spend in that world. I was more than willing to give up the lectures and grades (that I was paying £9,000 a year for, oops) just to be involved for a bit longer.

I knew it would be much tougher to continue anything after graduating. Not only would I be balancing amateur projects alongside a full-time job, but I wouldn’t have the luxury of theatre companies, auditions and rehearsal spaces all on campus, right on my doorstep. What I didn’t know was quite how easily I would give it all up.

I quickly took up a job in marketing, thinking it would be a prosperous mix of my creative hobbies, my limited skills with statistics, and my newest hobby: an old english pastime called “being paid”. This worked well when I was an intern writing about fitness (minus the “being paid” part), but quickly went downhill when this became a full-time role on other topics as well. It took me about a year to accept this wasn’t working, and me and team agreed to part ways (I got fired). In hindsight, maybe asking a 22 year old to write about cruise holidays wasn’t the brightest idea!

So then I was home, with all the free time in the world, and no more excuses. I still did nothing. I did the usual faff, joining as many local audition Facebook groups that I could find, jotting down ideas for character, plots, scenes… and of course witty lines that pop into your head at times. Just scribbling them all down in my “collection of ideas” that still hasn’t been started after 4 years.

Somewhere along the way I tried to take up guitar too. Even now, my case sits in the corner of my room gathering dust (a nice metaphor, i’ll add that to the collection). I recently found myself talking to a guitarist in a local pub, I asked how to get over that initial hurdle and kickstart my learning. He, in turn, asked me if I had a mirror in my room…I said yes, and he rightly called me out on looking up at myself in the mirror as I played, thinking of myself as a rockstar, enjoying the thought, then missing a chord and being pulled back down to reality.

It’s easy to imagine yourself as a rockstar without being able to play basic chords, same as it’s easy to think of yourself as an actor, writer or anything artistic when you haven’t practiced in years. As soon as I actually pick up the guitar I struggle to hit basic chords and that image of myself flies away. That’s when I go back to looking at myself in the mirror just holding the guitar instead, rather than playing.

I think the same thing applies to every artistic hobby i’ve had. Essentially, it’s taken me 4 years to accept that if I haven’t acted recently then I don’t really count as an actor anymore. If I haven’t written anything, then i’m not much of a writer. That’s why it’s been so hard to restart, it involves admitting that I’m back at square one again.

So that’s where I am right now. I don’t know what quite inspired me, other than acknowledging the amount of time I’ve wasted, but here’s my new blog/newsletter/channel/whatever Vocal wants to call it.

I thought an brief summary of my recent works, no matter how lacklustre, would be a good way of introducing myself. The new plan however, is to find a topic each week and jot down thoughts to help keep the mind working and kickstart my writing again.

For as long as I can keep this up, you’ll find muddled thoughts on the latest films, video games, books… whatever I can find to rant and rave about this week. The hope is that over the next few months I can get myself back into a rhythm of consistent writing, and a mindset that will help me finally turn this “collection” into something passable as fiction.

In the meantime, enjoy watching me stumble as I slowly bring my writing skills back up to snuff (first thing on the list, learn how to write more satisfying conclusions.)