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In 2016, my life changed. I moved to Rome, Italy from Ottawa, Canada because of my parents work and spent the next 3 years moving schools and trying to find my footing. I had moved away from my friends, my dad and all my extended family and was now in an entirely new environment. I changed schools and upon my first day at my new school, I was knew instantly I wasn't going to feel welcomed or comfortable here. Unfortunately I was right and for the next year and a half, I spent most of my days feeling like I was out of place, no matter what I did or who I was with. Throughout middle school I had been in a cocoon. I wasn't popular but I had a solid group of friends who I had known since elementary school. There was never any question as to who I'd sit next to in class, or at lunch, or who I'd walk with in the hallway on the way to class. I had my group of friends and I constantly felt a sense of safety, want and belonging around them. I fit in and felt loved. I never acknowledged how much of a privilege that was. Having suffered from anxiety since I was a young kid, I never knew how challenging it would be to have to face new people without anyone familiar, how awkward and out of place I'd feel everytime I tried to make a new friend. Being at a new school, every inch of comfort I had previously felt was violently torn from me and I didn't know - and still don't know - how to cope. I used to spend my days and nights trying to envision the ways in which I'd finally be able to find my place at this new school, in this new city. I'd come up with all kinds of reasons I didn't fit in - or reasons I didn't feel like I did - and try to pick them apart bit by bit, sure that the problem was with me. I was defective and it was my fault, something I was lacking or doing wrong that was causing me to feel empty and alone all of the time. I lived in a constant cycle of projected reinvention. I was constantly coming up with ways I could be cooler, more likeable, prettier, funnier, just so that I'd be accepted. And it never worked. I still don't know why. But i do know that I spent an extra 6 months of my life internalising everything I felt and forcing myself to stay somewhere that I needed to leave from. I'll elaborate. After my first year at my new school, I felt dejected. I had some friends but still felt completely out of place and anxious within my school and with my peers. I spent the summer completely avoiding any thoughts about the year to come. I went home to Ottawa, visited my friends and tried to forget I had ever felt like such a fucking loser. In Ottawa I was safe. My friends liked me, made me feel loved and accepted and the idea that I was inherently worthless based off of my ability to fit in or be liked started to fade into the background. The other thing I should mention is that my first year was clouded by one particular girl who had made it her mission to be mean to anyone she didn't think deserved her respect, anyone who wasn't as "cool" as her, whatever the fuck that means. She was the undisputed queen bee of the school, the most popular and feared person simultaneously within those 4 walls, despite being much younger than the seniors that attended above us. She came from a powerful (and rich) family and attending a private school meant that somehow that mattered. Having attended public school up until this point, back in Ottawa, (there are no english public schools in Rome), I was new to an environment in which we were all assessed and given merit based off the price of our clothing, the brand name of our purses / shoes and our family's net income. She made it her mission to humiliate me and anyone else new to the school who she didn't feel deserving of her time. She'd make sarcastic remarks, act kindly to your face and then spread rumors behind your back. I felt like I was in a Tina Fey Mean Girls remake. All of that to say, she was definitely one of the many reasons I had hated my first year at that school and at the time, I felt it easier to pin all the issues I had had fitting in on her presence rather than evaluate the overall social environment at the school. She was leaving the next year so I spent the entire summer in blissful denial, sure that come September I'd be welcomed with open arms and feel a sense of belonging I had thought impossible with her attendance at the school. I could not have been more wrong. September came and left and I spent my lunches sneaking into the library after my 3rd period class, anxious to get in before anyone saw me and made fun of me for it. I spent every single lunch there. Eating, alone at a desk counting down the minutes to the next class where I'd at least be able to hide behind the solace of my teacher's presence, knowing I wouldn't be forced to interact with anyone I didn't feel comfortable around, if the teacher was explaining lectures and class material. I had gone from being an outgoing, confident pre-teen with lots of self-assurance and self-worth to being too shy to make eye contact with anyone and avoiding conversation at any cost, hoping not to be perceived as awkward or anything else I perceived as being negative at the time. Eventually, I got so depressed that I was considering suicide on an minute to minute basis. The only times I had reprieve from these thoughts were when I could distract myself by indulging in other people's lives, people who felt belonging, love and hope. I spent so many hours hiding behind my screen devouring movies, tv shows, music videos, youtube videos etc. I would watch shows where I related to the characters and find solace in the fact that even if I felt deeply alone and unconnected to my peers, I could connect to these characters, get invested in their lives and find solace in our similarities. I didn't feel as alone or as rejected when I spent time engaging with people that seemed to struggle with similar feelings of isolation, despite not knowing them personally. I spent most of those lonely lunch periods finding solace in music, specifically.

I had always been passionate about music and I had wanted to go into it, as a career, since before I can remember. My mom likes to say that I could hum before I could speak. Up until 2016, music had been a passion and a hobby but not a crutch. I loved to perform, I took singing lessons and performed as often as I could at local festivals. It was fun and innate but I didn't see it with the same desperation I would come to see it as. In 2017, after having spent a year feeling lonely and depressed and extremely insecure, I had become so enamoured with my passion for music, both within my own capacity and my consumption of other's music which I related to. I took up guitar in grade 9 and began writing my own music concretely for the first time (prior to that I had just recorded rough voice memo ideas for melodies / lyrics). I wrote so many songs that reflected the way i felt and they gave me a voice. I didn't feel like I was confined to other people's impressions of me, I was able to explain who I truly was behind the layers of self-doubt and social anxiety and most importantly, how I was feeling. Music acted, and continues to act, as such an important coping strategy for me. One of my biggest fears is that I will be hated based off being perceived as boring or too awkward due to my social anxiety and shyness. I can be a lot more than that and even though I sometimes have a very hard time believing that, or seeing any worth in myself outside of people's perceptions, music allows me to see that distinction within myself and express it outwards. I also found lots of solace in the words and music of others, which inspired me greatly within my own pursuits. I began listening to a lot of 90's grunge / punk, riot grrrl and 70's punk rock. I felt captivated by the rawness of their lyricism and melodic structures and having been raised playing classical music, I had never identified as personally with a genre before. All of the feelings I had which I felt deeply ashamed of, feelings of isolation, self doubt, anger, depression were accepted and given a place within this genre. All of the musicians I listened to seemed to have felt the way I felt, with the same intensity and it felt comforting to hear that being expressed without shame, or better yet, to emphasize any feelings of shame and work against them through the music. I became extremely inspired by the music and artists I listened to and the ways in which they had helped me in one of the worst times of my life, mentally speaking. I became inspired to start a band and pursue a similar path, and that's what I'm doing now!

I got accepted into Berklee College of Music in Boston but was unable to attend due to financial costs. Despite this, I've played with two bands and am now attending Concordia University as a music major. I have my own guitar and amp, which I am extremely grateful for but my hope is to be able to afford studio time and some extra equipment to be able to put out my first demo. I am extremely passionate about making a living for myself, in some capacity, within this field. Something that has been challenging to fully dedicate myself to (as is necessary to succeed) due to having to work two jobs at a time and attend school, while also paying my part of the rent / utilities to live in Montreal (I moved out from my parents house at 17), where I moved to attend University. Being able to fully dedicate myself to music and be able to release a debut EP/Album, and hopefully play some live shows or even tour to promote it, would be my ultimate dream at this point in time. I am extremely passionate about music and would love to be able to give back some of what it, and more specifically my favourite artists, have given to me.