On Days Like Today / In My Dreams

On days like this, I have a pit in my stomach which feels it can rival that of an infinite snowball. Tumbling and tumbling until there is nothing left but a trail of wet soil, lingering behind me.

On days like today, I wake up in cold sweats, tossing and turning. Having had my anxiety seep even into my deepest subconscious. Into my dreams. Dreams of someone I love loving the person I told them I wanted. Dreams of betrayal. Dreams of uncontrollable doom. Dreams of pain and relief.

In my dreams, I find that my truest core stays intact, even if distorted and warped around the edges. In my dreams, when I am afraid, I call out for the comfort I seek in the day. In a dream wherein I am about to die, he is my last call.

In my dreams, she is still alive. Her death was but a brief eclipse. An echo of a sound. She is here and gone and here and gone over and over again. In my dream, it is painless. It feels like a joke. A mistake. A long sleep. Something I was too stupid - too gullible, to understand. In my dream, I don’t mind being stupid, so long as my ignorance allows her to exist. My pride is replaced with the joy of starting again.

In my dream, things are simple. The wounds that had once seeped so deep and seemed eternal, start to heal. In my dream, he smiles and carries a warmth I didn’t think I’d ever see again. He is happy, for the first time In years. He is happy, for the first time maybe ever. A lightness permeates the air and I float to the ceiling like a feather. She is here, breathing, weeping, seeing. All that was broken once is now repaired.

In my dream, I laugh with glee. Understanding now, that I was crazy to view her departure as a forever. A mound of despair. I feel relief, maybe for the first time. The real kind.

She’s telling me to stay, she’s holding my hand.

And as I awaken, I try to hold on. Tight enough to bring her with me. But she always slips from my grip.

So every night, I shut my eyes and try to crawl back into the dark of night to find her again.