"Wow!" she said.

This evening, I was feeling slightly sorry for myself and down in the dumps because today was full of exhaustion and disappointments. I felt like I had failed my children after another round of "sorry, can't help you..."

I'm not sure why as several people commented on how great my kids are doing and what a good job I am doing with them. "They are showing resilience and strength much like their mama." One person said on her exit from meeting with me.

Maybe it was because I am tired... maybe it was because my life seems more and more like I am trying to put out fires caused by others... and then... I realized that I don't have to put out the flames from others. All I have to do is let them.

What changed? My younger self came through time to visit me, arriving from 2 years ago...

"What did you do today?" - 27 me asks

"I saw a advocacy person for advice, then I saw a home health nurse."

"____ is back in our life! When did he finally fulfill his promise?! I've been waiting for over a year!" - 27 me's so excited

"No. He never fulfilled his promise and is no longer around."

"He finally broke it off?" - 27 me asks sadly

"No. He strung us along for another year of therapy trying to break us, but you had already started stepping into your power. But, then... we couldn't protect the littles."

"He... switched to them? Why??? I kept my place and held my tongue... what did you do?!" - 27 me got angry

"We couldn't go back when our oldest needed help. I know it felt so overwhelming!"

"I never made that call, did I?" - 27 me asked sadly

"No. You never said anything when it mattered... that night with the gun or the other times. The Dr. called, but..."

"But what?!" - 27 me demands - "He didn't kill himself, did he?"

"No, he didn't. The guns just came back when we didn't hold the boundary when the case got closed because we were a good mom with full custody."

"He didn't... actually pull the trigger while..." - 27 me trailed off

"No. He never did more than scare us with his so-called jokes. At least nothing bad enough for any medical staff to prove anything."

"Oh... did we lose the kids like we were told we would? How do you still live here? The plan was to go to a shelter... did we?" - 27 me asked quickly

"We didn't say enough soon enough, so he still stops us from receiving all of the services recommended, but they are mostly safe with us. We pulled off the escape that no one thought that we could by staying calm & compartmentalizing e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g."

"Did family services help?" - 27 me asked

"No. You were too scared to talk about everything because he never left bruises. You were so afraid after the one lady told you that the kids would be taken away because you allowed the domestic violence to happen."

"Did I crumble without him?" - 27 me shed a tear - "I love him so much. He says that he will get better... if I'm just calmer, nicer, sweeter, and proper."

"We wanted to crumble, but God took care of us. You are way too calm, sweet, and nice... don't worry, I have done lots of work on that people-pleasing side we struggled with for so long!"

"We are mean now?!" - 27 me squeaked

"Oh... I have just worked on embracing the bad girl side we have." I smiled

"WHAT!?!" - 27 me shrieked

"Breathe. Being a bad girl doesn't change our core values. It just changes how we respond when we get accused of things. Family is still the most important thing. But, we realized that family doesn't have strings attached to love and we realized that we were repeating the path we had originally left... just to be the good girl."

"I don't want to be bad though... and leaving him isn't right." - 27 me stated, glaring at me

"No. What wasn't right is that we didn't file a police report the day our child got terrified that we were going to be killed. What wasn't right is that we cowered in shame, fear, and didn't listen to the counselor(s) soon enough to avoid the things that we regret the most. What wasn't right is that we were too scared to file kidnapping charges the day he took off with our babies and told us that we'd be lucky if he ever brought them back. But, we did the best we could."

"I have to go back..." - 27 me led softly - "since the nurse's back, we found true love, right?"

"Yes and no. You learned to love yourself and don't believe that anyone will come to save us besides Jesus... but, we will be ok!"

"We went with that option?!" - 27 me's eyes were wide

"Well, I could tell you, but you are going to need to go through that to get here. Listen to your gut and trust your instincts... they haven't lied to you yet!"

"But my gut says that he isn't honest..." - 27 me whispers - "and I'm too crazy for anyone to believe me."

"We are crazy. But, no, he's not honest. Try to see that sooner... oh... never mind. You will be just fine!"

"Wow... maybe I am proud of us..." - 27 me whispered as she faded back to her time. She won't remember this dream... it was just a distant wish that Valentine's Day when I cried myself to sleep because he forgot that he loved me.

I was glad that she stopped by... I am proud that I chose my happiness. I am glad that God helped us. And... I am so very thankful that we're all safe without tears this Valentine's evening - 2 years later! *smile*

Quick note: this was inspired in part by a Time Travel Challenge by Liam Storm.