Which Should I Have First, a Hair Transplant or a Brazilian Butt Lift?

There used to be a hairdresser around the corner from us. She closed a couple of months ago. Today, I noticed a big sign outside the premises. It’s reopening as an aesthetics clinic.

The big sign makes big promises.

Look ten years younger, etc. State-of-the-art laser treatments, etc, etc. Free fake tan or sack, back and crack with first booking, etc, etc, etc.

If there’s something about your appearance you don’t like, this clinic can fix it.

Gummy smile? You’ll soon be grinning ear to ear!

Crow’s feet? The dog's bollocks, more like, after this treatment!

Dull, lifeless skin? You’ll be shining like a new penny!

Lip fillers, cheek fillers, butt fillers. Fillers for places you didn’t know needed filling. Treatments to stop you from grinding, clenching or gnashing your teeth.

Want to slim down your fat calves? No sweat.

Not those sorts of calves. (But try feeding them less. It's not rocket science!)

Excessive underarm perspiration? Okay, then…erm… no sweat again. This place has the answer.

I get back on the bike and head home.

I need to tell my wife her husband is set to be transformed!

Derisive Comments

See, just a few days ago I’d have sneered at all these aesthetic treatments. Derisive comments would have tumbled from my thin, unfilled lips.

Over my dead body, etc. Not till hell freezes over, etc, etc. That stuff’s for wusses, etc, etc, etc.

I scoffed at celebs who had one treatment after another and ended up with a face like a Picasso painting and a body to match.

You know who I’m talking about. I won’t name names. I’m not mean and spiteful.

I’m not wealthy either, so I can’t afford a libel lawyer.

I didn’t want to end up looking like that. My view was that if you wanted to improve your appearance, you had to do it the hard way. The traditional way.

Quit smoking, in other words. Drink less alcohol, in other words. Take more exercise!

No shortcuts, I thought. All the lifts, peels, fillers and implants in the world couldn’t stop the ageing process because the ageing process is a one-way street.

But then something happened that made me change my mind.

I discovered that it is possible to stop getting older!

Epiphany

So, what brought about this epiphany?

I went for a cardio health check is what happened. All my vital signs were measured. Blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol levels and body fat composition were examined.

Get this. It turns out I’m healthy. So healthy, indeed, that my heart age is two years younger than my biological age!

My body’s going backwards!

This got me thinking. Maybe I’d been wrong about these aesthetic procedures. If I can shave years off my insides, maybe I could do the same with my visible bits!

Sure, I’ll keep up my healthy eating and exercise routines. But if I added a few aesthetic treatments into the mix, who’s to say the result wouldn’t be amazing?

Perhaps the odd lift and tweak could help me go full Benjamin Button!

Improvements

Where to start, though? Because full disclosure here, there are a few bits of me that could stand some improvement. If you look at my profile photo, you’ll spot the obvious ones.

My bald head doesn’t scream youth and vitality, does it? A full head of hair might knock a few years off my age. So maybe I’ll start with a follicular unit extraction procedure.

That’s the type of hair transplant all the big muckety-mucks in Hollywood are getting.

Teenage Embarrassment

Notice anything else about that profile photo? That slightly weird, closed-lip expression? That’s my standard pose for photos.

“You’re doing that thing with your mouth again,” my wife says when she sees me in a snap.

The truth is, I’m not thrilled with my snaggletooth smile. Teenage embarrassment stopped me from wearing a brace in the 1970s. That thing spent more time wrapped in a tissue inside my pocket than it did in my mouth.

Don’t worry, kiddo. A bit of work and you could have a smile straight from a toothpaste commercial.

Then there’s my skinny ass. “Two marbles wrapped in a hanky” as a P.E. teacher once described it.

Don’t ask why he was looking at my ass in the first place. Don’t ask why he was commenting on my ass in the second place. I don’t know, is the answer if you do ask.

My skinny ass hasn’t got better with age. A Brazilian butt lift could change that. I could look decades younger from behind.

Sacrifice

Obviously, all this will cost money. Fortunately, my wife hasn’t retired yet. She may have to keep working until my transformation is complete. Maybe take a second job.

A small sacrifice to have a young, virile husband at her side.

I think that’s the way she’ll see it.

I’m sure that’s the way she’ll see it.

Now. How painful is a sack, back and crack?