You Are Such a Rude Person!

It’s a beautiful Friday morning and I’m out for a spin on the bike. On my way home, I call in to meet friends at an outside coffee station that sits on the banks of Belfast’s River Lagan.

I’m the first of our group to arrive. I join the queue for coffee and look around for a suitable table. Most of the good spots are already taken, but I can see some people at the bench in the corner preparing to leave.

No sooner have I noticed this than one of three young women standing behind me pushes past and strides purposefully to the bench. She dumps her bag on the table and then rejoins the queue.

The Unwritten Rule

I feel irritated. Not only have I missed out on a great table by seconds, but this is a flagrant breach of the coffee shop’s unwritten rule. You aren’t allowed to reserve a table before you get your coffee.

As the person most affected by their crime, I feel I should point this out to Bag Dumper and her pals.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I do exactly that.

“Excuse me,” I say, addressing the three amigos. “What you’ve just done is queue jumping by another name. You’ve shown no respect for your fellow coffee drinkers. Shame on you!”

Other people in the queue are delighted. Preach it brother, they say. Young people today, they say. No manners, I hear them shout.

Back on planet Earth, I say nothing. I don’t want to be the angry old man sounding off to young people enjoying their morning.

I take my coffee and fresh cream puff and sit at a nearby table. It’s smaller and in the shade, but it’ll have to do.

Coffees-to-Go

I’ve just taken my first sip when I notice that two of the young rule breakers have been served their coffees…and are leaving the coffee area.

They’re coffee-to-go people! They’re not even with Bag Dumper!

She, meanwhile, has also lifted her cup and is making her way to her spacious table in the sun.

I’m seething now. In my eyes, this has escalated her offence to a whole new level. She wasn’t just grabbing a sunny table the size of Texas on behalf of her friends. She was reserving it for herself alone!

The nerve of some people!

The Dog

By now my friends have arrived and have joined me at the table. I’m trying to tell them what a terrible person Bag Dumper is but I’m struggling to make myself heard.

An elderly couple have taken the table next to ours. One of them holds a dog on a leash. Every few seconds the dog barks. And not just any old bark. A loud, screechy howl that shreds the nerves.

That noise could shatter glass.

Each time the dog barks, the man leans forward, taps a finger gently on its nose and says, “No!” in a quiet voice. That works like a tent in a tornado. Each time he does it, the dog tilts its head to one side before letting out another ear-splitting howl.

Raised Eyebrows

People look around and glare at Screechy Dog Man. Eyebrows are raised. Heads are shaken in disbelief. Words are muttered through mouthfuls of all butter croissants.

I’m back in the parallel universe.

“Excuse me, sir,” I say to Screechy Dog Man. “If you can’t keep your dog quiet, please remove it from the coffee area. That constant barking is disturbing everyone! Shame on you!”

People at other tables whoop and cheer. Some stand up and applaud. Good for you, they say. Time someone made a stand, they say. Buy that man another fresh cream puff, I hear someone shout.

On planet Earth, I say nothing. I don’t want to be the angry younger man beating up on a couple of pensioners.

I sit and fume instead.

No Manners

Twenty minutes later, Bag Dropper removes her earbuds, gathers her things and prepares to leave her table. Before she’s even got to her feet, several people are standing over her waiting to take the empty table.

One of them pushes past her as she stands up, nearly knocking her off her feet. “Careful!” Bag Dropper says, looking cross.

She walks behind our table as she leaves, shaking her head. She makes eye contact with Screechy Dog Man who is smiling sympathetically. “Can you believe some people?” she says, glancing back at her old table. “No manners!”

“No manners at all, my dear,” says Screechy Dog Man. “Shame on them!”

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I throw back my head and let out a long, hollow laugh.

They both look at me in surprise. I must’ve laughed out loud on planet Earth.

Sometimes this parallel universe stuff isn’t as easy as it sounds.