ULEZ Hits the Louisiana Cattle Festival.

TV Anchorman; Welcome to ‘Good Morning USA’ with me, your host. Chuck Bloomer. Our first item just breaking is the outrage which has erupted across Louisiana with the news that, for the first time, the annual Cattle Festival in Abbeville will be subject to ULEZ restrictions. For those not in the know this stands for Ultra Low Emissions Zone. This is a State Government inspired drive to improve the air quality and environmental conditions in Louisiana. Here with us by live link is one of the Committee members of the festival Mr Duke Lejeune. Good morning Mr Lejeune.

Duke Lejeune: Good morning to you on this fresh, clear sunny day.

Chuck: So tell me, what is this ULEZ all about?

Duke: Cow farts!

Chuck: Sorry! You said…..

Duke: Cow farts!

Chuck: So, this story is not about vehicle emissions?

Duke: Ohh, them too. My prize-winnin tractor ain’t considered no good for the town no more. Not ‘environmentally-friendly’ as they is saying, except of course when I’m using it to grow their food. But yeah! It’s mostly cow farts.

Chuck: And why is this?

Duke: Well, their logic being it’s fine for the cows to blow off out in the open fields, they can poot away to their hearts content. The goddam politicians got no problem with that. But they say when we congregate all them beasts into once place among the urbanites then we is suddenly destroying the planet.

Chuck; Does this mean a complete ban on the animals?

Duke: No, not a complete ban. They’ll allow cattle that are ‘environmentally-compliant’.

Chuck: And what does that entail?

Duke: That entails what’s under the tail.

Chuck: I catch your drift.

Duke: Sure you do. Plus they even got facial recognition going on against us. They got cameras everywhere, there ain’t no hiding place.

Chuck: But did any of the farming community and cattle breeders agree to have their faces scanned?

Duke: Hell No! I’m not talking about the farmers’ faces, I’m talking about the cattle. They got all their ugly mugs loaded up in their fancy computers. For the Friesians they even got the markings down so they can be scanned on a cell phone like one of them curiosity codes.

Chuck: Sounds intense.

Duke: You betcha! You see they got all the cows registered on a central database, all their numbers and even their names in some cases. They got my prize bull Beelzebub on their system, even his date of birth. They got them all chipped, double-chipped and trackable. There ain’t even no privacy in the animal kingdom now, I tell ya.

Chuck: But how do they know which particular cows are non-compliant? I mean, it’s the diet that matters, isn’t it? How do they know what they’re eating?

Duke: Oh, they got that covered. They check what we is feeding them and if we’ve been given them that Bovaer stuff to stop them farting so bad. I guess as it’s so French sounding they though it might appeal to our old world sentimentality but we ain’t having none of it.

Chuck: So, is this the end of the Louisiana Cattle Festival and Fair as we know it?

Duke: Not if they get their way. They might even want all the cattle fistulated.

Chuck: I beg your pardon?

Duke: I said fistulated! It's a porthole on their side, like a cannula you know with a screw-top lid

Chuck: Oh! I see.

Duke: You don't know much about farm life do ya Mr TV Man?

Chuck: Erm no I guess not. But tell me, why do they do this?

Duke: So's you can open them up like a jar of pickles, check what's in their belly. You get vets n' science boffins sticking their arms in there, which I guess is better than the alternative and all that entails.

Chuck: I see

Duke: Yeah! Up to your elbows in cow crap.

Chuck: Yes! Yes! We'll say no more.

Duke: I can't say nothin if ya won't let me.

Chuck: And what's your plans next ?

Duke: A bit of Fais DoDo.

Chuck: I beg your pardon.

Duke: Fais DoDo, y'know the.....

Chuck: Yes! Thanks, Mr Lejeune, I think we've had enough of dung, doo-doo and everything for today.

Duke: Not Doo-Doo, it's DoDo. The Fais DoDo. It's our traditional Cajun dancing we do every year here at the Festival.

Chuck: Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Duke: You didn't realise? Well, maybe you should do some goldarn research in your fancy urbanite suit n' tie and cufflinks an' all. Just like those political sons of .......

Chuck: OK! Sorry to interrupt, Mr Lejeune, but we have to go now. It's time for the weather.

Duke: Is that right?

Chuck: Yes, sorry.

Duke: No, don't apologise, in fact I got an exclusive forecast for your weather guy on the Louisiana front.

Chuck: Really? What's coming?

Duke: A shit storm!