Trump vs. His Reflection: Greatness in the Eye of the Beholder

Scene: Mar-a-Lago bathroom, late at night. Trump is shirtless, in red silk boxers and gold slippers, hair wild, gesturing emphatically at the mirror. His reflection looks more composed—older, vaguely Freudian, and wearing a concerned expression while holding a notepad.*

TRUMP: We’re making America great again, again! Again! You wouldn’t believe how great it is! Everybody says so!

REFLECTION (raising an eyebrow): Do they? Because I seem to remember you saying America is “a hellhole.” That was 2015, yes? And, of course, you claimed “our country is a laughingstock all over the world.”

TRUMP (waves hand): That was before I came down the golden escalator. Totally different era. Ancient history. Sad!

REFLECTION: Was it? Because even while you were president, you repeatedly said “our country is going to hell.” You claimed Democrats hate America. You called the FBI “the enemy of the people.” And just last year, you said America is “a third-world country.”

TRUMP (smirking): Because of Biden! Total disaster. If I were in charge—oh wait, I was in charge. Best economy ever. Best military. Best steaks. Best everything.

REFLECTION (dryly): Yes, and during that glorious administration, you called American generals “a bunch of dopes and babies.” Said John McCain was “not a war hero” because he got captured. Called fallen soldiers “suckers” and “losers.” That’s straight from your former chief of staff. Want me to read it back to you?

TRUMP (waving dismissively): Fake news. I like people who don’t get PTSD.

REFLECTION (ignoring him): You publicly sided with Vladimir Putin over your own intelligence agencies in Helsinki. You downplayed a pandemic that killed over a million Americans. You tried to overturn a democratic election. And when rioters stormed the Capitol, you told them “we love you.”

TRUMP (defensive): They were patriots! Beautiful patriots! And the election was rigged. Everyone knows it. Just ask Rudy. Or Mike Lindell. Or any guy yelling on Truth Social at 2am.

REFLECTION (deadpan): Oh yes, that bastion of scholarly integrity.

TRUMP (pacing): America was so respected when I was in charge. Even Kim Jong-un wrote me love letters. Love letters! He didn’t write Biden anything. Not even a “Do you like me?” note with boxes to check.

REFLECTION: A brutal dictator writes you romantic fan mail and your takeaway is that you’re winning?

TRUMP (grinning): Diplomacy, baby.

REFLECTION: And yet you abandoned our Kurdish allies, tried to extort Ukraine for political dirt, and praised the Chinese Communist Party’s strength in crushing dissent. Again… all on the record.

TRUMP: Look, the media doesn’t tell the good stories. Like when I wanted to nuke hurricanes or buy Greenland. Visionary stuff. Nobody else thinks that big.

REFLECTION (writing in notepad): Delusions of grandeur… potentially narcissistic personality disorder with antisocial traits.

TRUMP: That’s a good thing. Makes me strong. Tough. People say I’m like Lincoln and Jesus—combined!

REFLECTION: You said that. Out loud. About yourself. Multiple times. It doesn’t make it true just because you repeat it.

TRUMP (arms crossed): I alone can fix it.

REFLECTION (leans forward): You insulted the Constitution, incited a mob, tried to install yourself as an unelected king, and now you're literally promising to be a dictator on day one. Is that what greatness looks like?

TRUMP: Exactly! You get it! Strong leadership. Like Napoleon… if Napoleon had better hair and a golf handicap.

REFLECTION (sighs, rubbing temples): You hate half the country, threaten to jail journalists, mock disabled people, insult veterans, and undermine the very institutions that keep this republic afloat. And somehow you still shout “Make America Great Again” while setting the whole place on fire.

TRUMP (grinning): America loves a comeback. Even if I have to burn the Constitution to make it happen. Maybe I’ll replace it with something classier. Leather-bound. Gold trim. Easier to read.

REFLECTION (shaking his head): And the most astonishing part? Your base just… misses the cognitive dissonance. They chant “USA! USA!” while cheering a man who openly trashes the country. It's like watching a cult confuse the arsonist for a firefighter.

TRUMP (beaming): Cognitive dissonance! Sounds like a compliment. Is that one of those big science words? Like “hydroxychloroquine”? People say I have the best dissonance. Tremendous cognition. Probably better than Einstein.

REFLECTION (staring in horror): You… don’t know what it means, do you?

TRUMP (winking): I know exactly what it means. It means I'm so smart I can hold two ideas in my brain at once—and both are right. Nobody else can do that. Only me.

REFLECTION (to himself): That’s… almost the definition. Just missing the self-awareness, honesty, and intellectual coherence.

TRUMP (nodding proudly): That’s what makes me a stable genius.