Thieves, Camera, Action! - The Ultimate TV Crime Reality Show

Presenter: “Welcome to the first episode in our new series ‘Thieves, Camera, Action’ with me Stewart Alistair. We’ll be highlighting the incredible work of the most notable thieves, robbers, con-artists and heist merchants in the UK today. People who carry on a long tradition of hard-working and imaginative enterprises gathering riches and wealth.”

“This evening, we focus on a group known colloquially as the ‘Cleethorpes Ram Raiders’ and a recent mission they conducted. Their gang leader explains the job in this interview. He wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.”

Gang Leader: “We are a successful modern business enjoying splendid financial returns with few overheads. This is due to our Key Performance Indicators which focus on efficiency, professionalism, excellent teamwork and training plus a passion for adopting gold standard working practices. We also utilise the best in cutting-edge technology, especially wire-cutters and acetylene torches.”

“But for this project, carried out on a local jewellers, we decided on an angle-grinder. It’s portable, fast and easy to operate.”

Alistair: ”And so, with the aid of CCTV footage and body cameras we can follow how the job progressed.”

WHEEEE-OWWW!! WHEEEE-OWWW!! WHEEEE-OWWW!! WHEEEE-OWWW!!

“Bleedin ‘ell how did that happen? I thought you’d silenced the blasted alarm!”

Alistair: “The onsite man in charge, nicknamed ‘Briggsy’, remonstrates with the electronic systems expert ‘Cockney Joe’. Their colleague ‘Dosser’ looks on with stupefaction”

Cockney Joe: "I dunno guv, I ‘aven’t a Scooby Doo. Unless me mincers are on the blink. I ran ‘em over the whole plate of spaghetti, I’ve given the Old McDonald the full bhuna, banjoed the Tony Slattery and use me frequent flyers on the mucky wet flannel. I even used an MC to put the kybosh on the Sportsman’s Bet."

Briggsy: “What the hell is that? Klunk’s latest invention? What’s he blathering about”

Dosser: “He says he checked everything. There must be a back-up or maybe they used a decoy”

Briggsy: “We’re the sitting ducks mate. Let’s scarper!”

Alistair: “An unexpected turn of events for our intrepid heroes who must abandon their work and make their escape. This is where getaway driver ‘Zappa’ comes into his own. His driving skills require deftness of touch, lightning reactions and a steely nerve.”

Briggsy: ” YOU MUPPET, YOU MORON, TURN LEFT, TURN LEFT!!"

Zappa: “Alright, Alright! I’m doing me best. You wanna drive? It was you lot that ballsed up the whole shebang.”

Briggsy: ”You’re using too much clutch. And go faster, give it some welly. This ain’t a Sunday outing.”

Alistair: “The gang are in turmoil and from our on-board cameras in the vehicle you can see their crestfallen expressions."

Gang-Leader: My staff underwent a detailed debriefing session during the extrication procedure. It’s extremely productive to engage in brainstorming ideas when the minds are fresh. Where did we go wrong? What could we have done better?”

Alistair: "And things go from bad to worse. Zappa's driving talents are needed more than ever."

WHAAA-OWWW!! WHAAA -OWWW!! WHAAA -OWWW!!

Cockney Joe: “Oh ma gawd! It’s the filth”

Briggsy: “Get off the road, kill the lights. They’re coming from all over”

Zappa: “Gerrout the way grannie!”

Dosser: “Aw no! Here come the Flying Pigs. They’ve already got a chopper in the air”

Alistair: “Indeed, the forces of the state apparatus have launched a helicopter which is tracking their every move. And that’s not all”

BANG!

Cockney Joe: “What was that”

Zappa: “The Old Bill put spikes on the road. They’ve burst a back tyre.”

Briggsy: “And you didn’t see them? You useless twat. Did you get your licence in a lucky bag?”

Dosser: “The motor's got sparks shootin’ out the arse”

Briggsy: “Stop the car, stop the car! Get out and leg it. It’s every man for himself”

Alistair: “We now follow Dosser via his bodycam. The results of his endless hours of gym work and circuit training are paying off as he vaults walls, fences and sprints along narrow lanes with ease.”

Dosser: “Great! Open countryside at last. What a pong! I’ll head for them woods. The Rozzers will be hard pushed to find me in there.”

Alistair: “But our brave fugitive forgets about the thermal imaging equipment onboard the helicopter and the Police also have some useful colleagues in tow”

WOOF! WOOF!, WOOF! WOOF!, WOOF!

Dosser: “I knew it, I knew it. They got some scabby mutts on me tail. I’m done for, sure as eggs is eggs”

Alistair: “It was truly an uneven contest. The plucky, spirited daring of our doughty gadabouts proved no match for the dirty tricks and unfair advantage of the fascistic forces of the law.”

Gang-Leader: “We were deeply disappointed. It wasn’t the outcome we expected. Nevertheless, we must take stock, dust ourselves down and learn from our errors. I’ll certainly review our recruitment programme and selection process. No more Cockneys!

Alistair: “And so, our valiant villains are thwarted as, one-by-one, the crew are apprehended. The hapless technological whizzkid Cockney Joe is the last to be snared in a suffocating dragnet by the Boys in Blue.”

Police Constable: "You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence."

Cockney Joe: Gordon Bennett! Wharra right old 2 and 8. Those bloody Commy Burgs have put me up to me neck in the tom-tit. You Berkeley Hunts have got me bang to rights, sure enough, done up like a jack-the-ripper. No tasty sparkles or juicy tom-foolery for me now. Just porridge down me cake-hole”

Sergeant: “No problem lads, we’ll get an interpreter back at the station”

(Extremely loosely based on a true story)