Live from the Cheese Rolling Race at Cooper’s Hill in Gloucester.

Cole Davieman: What an incredible weekend this is for sport here on the BBC. We have the Monaco Grand Prix, the tennis at the French Open and of course our very own F.A. Cup Final at Wembley. But these all take second place to our live commentary of a Blue-Ribbon event that everybody is talking about right here in sunny Gloucestershire. It’s the annual Cheese Rolling Race at Cooper’s Hill. First written about in 1826 but certainly it's been going a lot longer. Here with me is veteran cheese-rolling champion Ivor Sponge.

Ivor: Hello viewers. Yes, the excitement is building for the men’s final which has a class field of international rollers ready for action. Maybe we’ll see a new record this year with the quality on show.

Cole: They’ll be hard pushed to beat last years’ figures.

Ivor: Yes, 6 minor injuries, 3 fractures and a severe concussion.

Cole: Remarkable! We’ll see what damage they can do this year.

Ivor: Yes, underfoot conditions are treacherous after heavy rain overnight causing grumbles from the Tewkesbury Borough Safety Group.

Cole: But I do hope no-one matches Delaney Irving’s legendary achievement in 2023 of winning the women’s race in a state of unconsciousness. She bopped her head on the way down, knocked herself out and careered over the finishing line in first place. None the wiser.

Ivor: It knackered my post-race interview.

(The 2023 winner celebrates)

Cole: We certainly hope you can chat with the winner after this race, whoever it may be and hopefully they know where they are and who they are. Who will it be? Hot favourite Louis Le Sant from Team Camembert or one of the close contenders, maybe Guiseppe Scattoli of the Gorgonzola Gladiators, Harry Blatt of the Philadelphia Fire or Johann Krol of Edam Dynamos. Perhaps even up and coming talents such as the young Greek, Stefan Depopopulous from Feta Fury or Robbie van Bossche of the Limburger Lions from Belgium. And that’s not forgetting our very own Roger Vegas from the Stilton Stonkers.

Ivor: We’ve got almost everything except Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.

Cole: And ‘Cheese’ was even his real name. Why did he ever change it?

Ivor: Talking of which, the Spanish entrant is from Barcelona.

Cole: Remarkable! That’s right. And would you believe it? His name is actually Manuel. Yes, Manuel Juarantino of the Mighty Manchegas who is one of the few competitors today to have won before and the last to have successfully defended his title after winning 2 years in a row. That’s not counting Covid-19 which swept the boards back in 2020 and 21.

Ivor: Clean sweep indeed Cole. But today the excitement’s been building up in the Toby Carvery. The bets have been flying and the beer flowing.

Cole: And not too bad the Mac n‘ Cheese deal either, with some garlic bread and a pint of frothy ale thrown in. But! I think we’re about to begin. The Master of Ceremonies has brought forward the 8-pound roll of Double Gloucester to launch down the hill like a March hare fed to ravenous greyhounds.

Ivor: Here we go! And hear the crowd getting going. They’re chanting ‘Cheese! Cheese! Cheese!’ to get fired up for the fray.

Cole: They’re off!!

Ivor: We’re rolling! Watch that cheese go. It can reach up to 70 miles per hour on this hill

Cole: Straight out is Le Sant of Camembert closely followed by Feta’s Depopolous but now come the tactical battles. The American, Blatt, is flat out, yes, flat out in the mud. But what a slide. Juarantino executes a fantastic double-twist and somersault. Scattoli is in a Camel Spin and Bosh!! Yes, quite literally Bossche from Belgium has clattered Scattoli to the ground. The Italian is covered in mud, Bossche is splattered in blood and Krol is plastered in mud and blood under two Croatians.

Ivor: They’re really bundling up now.

Cole: You can say that again. But Hederlosen of Switzerland has broken out from the pack and, MY GOODNESS! He completes a reverse 2 and a half somersault almost in the pike position followed by a backward flip to stretch ahead of the pack.

Ivor: That sure had a high degree of difficulty.

Cole: Almost impossible Ivor. Remarkable! BUT HERE COMES VEGAS ON THE OUTSIDE!! He’s done a forward sizzle and an exquisite Camel Spin before sliding on his backside towards the finishing line. Can he beat Hederlosen?

Ivor: WOW! Look at that.

Cole: REMARKABLE!! Vegas does a triple somersault with a corkscrew twist and he flies through the air like Clark Kent himself.

Ivor: He’s done it! He’s done it! He’s over the line. He’s won!!

Cole: Remarkable! Remarkable! Oh, how remarkable! Vegas has won for Great Britain. Brilliant! Remarkable! Hooray for Blighty! Rule Britannia, God Save Our Gracious King and pass the cheddar mother.

Ivor: And a new record. 12.9 seconds. I'm on my way over to interview the champ

Cole: Let's hear from the man.

Ivor: Oops! Not quite yet.

Cole: What's up? Do we have technical problems?

Ivor: No. More like technicolour problems. He's just done a projectile vomit.

Cole: My goodness, I see it. But please don't blame the Carvery.

Ivor: It shot about 5 or 6 feet.

Cole: Wow! Another new record! REMARKABLE!