THE UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING (AND SO ARE YOUR PANTS)

WHEN THE COSMOS MEETS CARBS

Scientists tell us the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate, fueled by mysterious forces like dark energy. And honestly? I would have to agree... Except in my case, the mysterious force is extra queso and that ill-advised third chimichanga. Cosmic inflation, they call it. Cute. Meanwhile, my jeans are experiencing catastrophic waistband failure, and astronomers aren’t writing papers about that. Forget black holes; the real singularity is your belly button after you polish off a family-size nacho platter “because it was on special.”

Sure, the internet is full of workout videos and “eat clean” gurus preaching quinoa salvation. But what about the rest of us? The ones who look at kale and feel the need to file a restraining order? We don’t need a lifestyle change, we need a magic pill… that works… in 24 hours or less preferably. My aunt thought she had the hack down: two Big Macs, large fries and a Diet Coke because, in her words, “The diet drink cancels out the extra calories.” I can unequivocally say… she was wrong. Dead wrong. Probably because she was dropped on her head as a child.

COSMIC INFLATION VS. CARNITAS INFLATION

Once upon a time, scientists discovered that the universe began with the Big Bang. Now, after your fourth taco, your digestive system is reenacting that event. Only this time, it’s followed by awkward silence... regret... and a quick trip to the restroom. Astrophysicists call it “spacetime expansion.” Your doctor calls it “borderline hypertension.” When in reality, the only thing that has expanded, is the Chipotle menu.

Inflation isn’t just cosmic; it’s culinary. The price of avocados has skyrocketed like Elon Musk’s ego. A burrito now costs as much as a compact car. Somewhere, economists are crying into their artisanal guac. The world is in crisis and needs a plan...

DARK ENERGY & DARK SALSA – THE FORCES DRIVING EXPANSION

Dark energy makes up 68% of the universe and causes galaxies to drift apart at terrifying speed. Coincidentally, 68% of your waistband stress is caused by chip refills and that “free salsa” coupon you didn’t need but couldn’t resist. It's Buy 1 Get 1 Free....HELLO!??

Scientists can’t see dark energy. Similarly, you can’t see the inside of your fridge anymore because it’s packed with leftover tacos you “might eat tomorrow” but will inevitably binge at midnight in a primal act of hunger-based self-loathing.

EVENT HORIZON – THE POINT OF NO RETURN (AT THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BAR)

Every black hole has an event horizon; a point beyond which nothing can escape. Taco Tuesday has one too: it’s when you say, “Ehhh...I'll just have one more taco.” At that moment, gravity shifts, shame expands, and you plunge into an abyss of sour cream and bad decisions. Food is yummers, that's not your fault. The real travesty, is letting all that good food go bad. I mean, there are starving children in the world. We should do it for the children...

And just like a black hole, you start attracting things: extra tortillas, unsolicited salsa, maybe even a roaming churro salesman who appears like a cosmic omen. Your stomach becomes a celestial body... a bloated Jupiter in jeans from Kohl’s. You admit to some that you have a body of a God! Too bad it's Buddha...

STRING THEORY & ELASTIC WAISTBANDS

Physicists believe the universe is composed of vibrating strings. We believe those strings should be elastic and sewn into every waistband, because science and dignity both demand it. String theory attempts to unite gravity and quantum mechanics. Your belt attempts to unite your undergarments, with your butt. Spoiler alert: both fail catastrophically after three margaritas and a dessert nacho platter.

SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR POST-TACO EXISTENTIALISM

Woke up at 2 a.m. questioning the nature of existence? Don’t panic, it’s just the chimichanga talking. Here’s how to cope:

• Hydrate. Space is mostly empty. Your stomach shouldn’t be.
• Accept entropy. Your life, like your salsa, will get messy.
• Lean into the chaos. Physicists do. You should too. Grab that churro. The universe is expanding anyway.

🔥 MINI BITS OF COSMIC WISDOM

Pompous Poll:

What expands faster?

A) The observable universe

B) Your jeans after a Groupon at Chipotle

C) Your credit card bill after “Margarita Mondays” at El Mariachi

Word of the Day:

Entropy (noun) – The tendency of systems toward disorder; or your kitchen after you “just made a few tostadas.”

Horoscope Hot Takes:

1. Taurus: Stop manifesting abundance. Start manifesting fiber.
2. Gemini: Mercury in retrograde doesn’t matter. Your waistline in retrograde does.
3. Pisces: You’ll meet someone special this week. It’s your cardiologist.

🔥 FAKE AD OF THE WEEK

The Event Horizon Elastic Belt™

For waistlines that defy the laws of physics. Endorsed by astronauts, tested at Chili’s. Because in a universe of chaos, your pants should still have order. Call 1-800-SPACE-STRETCH today!

CLOSING COSMIC ROAST

The universe is infinite, but your dignity after that plate of hot wings is not. So embrace the expansion... galactic and gastric... and remember: you are stardust, and so is that burrito that just ruined your life.

Until next time, stay pompous, stay hungry, and keep reaching for the tacos. The cosmos demands it. 🌮✨