The Pope is Dying - Where Are All The Atheists?

Facebook Atheists have been uncharacteristically quiet regarding the Pope's health status. 

Usually the first to pounce on any opportunity to declare God dead and humanity doomed, they have been suspiciously quiet about Pope Francis's recent health scare. You'd think the Pope knock-knock-knocking on Heaven's door would be their golden moment for a knock-out argument like, 

“If God can't even save the Pope, what hope is there for the rest of us?” 

But nope. Crickets.

Meanwhile, Catholics are frantically dusting off their copies of "Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?" in preparation for the inevitable 3 a.m. Reddit debates. (The book is why I'm a Bad Person.) 

Christians are at a disadvantage in these online skirmishes. Their whole “turn the other cheek” thing means they can't just call their opponents Hitler and call it a day. No, they have to explain their beliefs. How quaint.

Yet, as of now, the r/Atheism threads are as quiet about the Pope as a church on Friday happy hour. 

To get to the bottom of this, I hit the streets of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and tracked down five self-proclaimed atheists. Here's what they had to say:

Gwen (Political Activist)

“Atheists would never make fun of someone dying, except for Putin, Kim Jong-un, Trump, and the other guy with the beard. And, Elon Musk, Tucker Carlson, Jordan Peterson, Charlie Kirk, or pretty much anyone who attends CPAC.”

Mike (Libertarian Republican)

“Make fun of the pope? Never. The pope is as American as the star-spangled banner, baseball, and apple pie. And he supports our troops, right?”

Sue (High School Teacher — unpictured)

“Of course, God isn't going to help the pope or anyone else for that matter. But Joe Biden could have saved everyone, on the planet, if only the people had elected him over that...”

Brad (Machiavellian)

“The Pope? When he gets out of the way, that opens up a spot for me.”

Have you ever read the Bible?

“A good idea. Text me if you have any other tips to landing the top spot”.

Greg (Wikipedia expert)

“Forget Project 2025. Project 3000 is planning to put the Pope in charge of the Catholic Church for 1,000 years. We need to act now before it's too late.”

Jake (Internet Dad)

“Pope Francis is the Woke Pope. So even though I'm an atheist, I'm praying he makes it.”

A Brief History of Atheism: Church, State, and Mark Twain

The tension between church and state — and the two animal-mascot political parties — has a long history in America. 

Mark Twain, the 19th-century journalist and professional skeptic, left us with a treasure trove of zingers that atheists still quote today:

“The Bible is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.” — Mark Twain

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” — Mark Twain

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” — Mark Twain

“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.” — Mark Twain

Ancient History: Atheism Edition

If you think atheism is a newfangled idea, ChatGPT would like to introduce you to some historical figures who were skeptical long before Reddit existed. 

Unfortunately, the historical record doesn't reveal their thoughts on the 265 popes who've passed away. But hey, at least they didn't have to deal with Twitter threads.

Ancient Greece and Rome

• Diagoras of Melos (5th century BCE) - Known as the “first atheist,” he openly criticized religion and was exiled for his views.
• Protagoras (c. 490–420 BCE) - A sophist who expressed agnostic views, famously stating, “Concerning the gods, I have no means of knowing whether they exist or not.”
• Epicurus (341–270 BCE) - While not strictly an atheist, he challenged traditional religious beliefs and emphasized a materialistic worldview.
• Lucretius (c. 99–55 BCE) - A Roman poet and philosopher who promoted Epicurean ideas, rejecting divine intervention in the natural world.

Renaissance and Enlightenment

• Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527) - Often criticized for his secular and pragmatic views on politics, which were seen as irreligious.
• Baruch Spinoza (1632–1677) - A pantheist who rejected traditional religious notions of God and was excommunicated for his views.
• David Hume (1711–1776) - A Scottish philosopher who was highly skeptical of religion and miracles.
• Baron d'Holbach (1723–1789) - A prominent atheist who openly argued against religion in works like The System of Nature.
• Denis Diderot (1713–1784) - A key figure of the Enlightenment and editor of the Encyclopédie, he was critical of organized religion.

19th Century

• Karl Marx (1818–1883) - Famous for his critique of religion as the “opium of the people.”
• Friedrich Nietzsche (1844–1900) - Declared “God is dead” and criticized Christianity's influence on Western culture.
• Charles Darwin (1809–1882) - While not openly atheist, his theory of evolution challenged religious explanations of life.
• Mark Twain (1835–1910) - The American author was critical of religion and expressed skeptical views in his writings.
• Bertrand Russell (1872–1970) - A philosopher and outspoken atheist, author of Why I Am Not a Christian.

20th Century

• Sigmund Freud (1856–1939) - Viewed religion as an illusion and a product of human psychology.
• Albert Einstein (1879–1955) - While not an atheist, he rejected personal gods and identified as a pantheist or agnostic.
• Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980) - An existentialist philosopher who rejected the idea of God.
• Madalyn Murray O'Hair (1919–1995) - A prominent American atheist activist who founded American Atheists.
• Christopher Hitchens (1949–2011) - A journalist and author known for his critiques of religion, including God Is Not Great.

Author's Note — I'm not religious and might be an atheist, but want to keep my options open, just in case.