The On Call Ticket

The ticket hit my screen with a slap. At least, I imagined it was a slap. The force of seeing it pop up there so suddenly was enough to make me visibly wince. The priority on this ticket was P1. I was just starting my day, and already a P1 was across my desk! The only higher priority was a P0. With a P1 priority, I needed to have this ticket done as soon as possible and if it escalated to a P0, I wouldn’t be able to leave the office without it being done.

I braced myself as I read through the rest of the ticket. The title seemed normal enough, “Onboarding Humans to Unified Consciousness.” I was confused for a bit as this was filed by someone I was unfamiliar with and its text seemed rushed.

“We would like to work on the procedure promised to us as members of Humans.” The ticket reporter, Bob, had written. I started to reach out to my teammates when I saw that this ticket was filed under a specific workflow. Relief flooded through me as I realized that this type of ticket had a process outlined for it. As I read through the acceptance criteria, I was a little stunned. “We would like all humans to be transferred to a singular consciousness as soon as possible.”

“How am I supposed to accomplish that?!” I said, to no one in particular.

I started on the typical runbook steps, typical manual data entry and restarting of services, and got to a spot where I needed more information to make a decision. I updated the ticket asking for the information and added a cheeky note about the singular consciousness: “What would you like the consciousness to be named? Bob?” I thought Bob would appreciate it.

I shifted my focus away from the ticket and back to my regularly scheduled work. I had only started to critically think about the other work I had to do, which was incidentally finding a way to give everyone in the world a puppy without any of the responsibility attached, when I felt a presence behind me.

I turned around and saw the CEO of my company, Tom, looming over me. His skin had a pallid caste to it, and it looked like small fins were jutting out of his collar. “That ticket that’s assigned to you is having its priority adjusted to P0. Bob has linked a new runbook in the ticket and you’ll find the ceremonial knife required to complete the ceremony in your desk. Please get to this as soon as possible.” Tom said.

As he said this I noticed that his teeth had been filed down to points and there was something less than human about his eyes. His voice was normal for Tom, slightly sinister as usual. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Move fast and break things, am I right, Tom?”

Tom smiled wolfishly, “That’s the spirit Billy!”

My name was Walter, but I let it slide, also letting the conversation end. For his part, Tom gracefully turned and left before the conversation had time to grow stale.

I let my attention return to the ticket. I wouldn’t be able to leave the office until I finished this now that it was a P0. I felt chained to my desk as I processed the new runbook steps. It looked like it was going to be pretty straightforward to get this ticket completed by the end of the day to which I breathed a sigh of relief. Before the end of the workday, I would be joining my fellow humans in a single consciousness. I didn’t feel fear at this prospect, rather an overwhelming anxiety to get the job done. I really didn’t let myself think much beyond my current task.

I said the incantation that Bob had graciously added to the new runbook, right after the new name Bob had sent me had been entered into the database, and carved an intricate symbol into my desk using the ceremonial knife, all while continuing my incantation. I felt a pinprick on my arm as a nurse, who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, applied a blood transfusion to me. I turned and, using the ceremonial knife, added a large portion of my own blood to the symbol I made on my desk. I was lucky the nurse came just in time!

The air around my desk started to warp as my blood cycled onto the desk. My wound quickly magically healed as I continued the incantation. A metallic taste gathered in my mouth and I started to have doubts about what I was doing. “Am I really going to damn all of humanity into one single consciousness?” I thought, in a brief moment of moral confusion. I shook myself out of it and continued with my job.

I finished the incantation and I felt the world go still around me. It was as if the rest of the world had time completely stopped outside of the bubble of magical interference I had created for myself. “Only the unemployed worry about morality!” I cried as I plunged the dagger into the center of the symbol.

I felt the universe snap as I returned to the real world. My body lost form as I melted into a pool of liquid and joined the rest of my fellow humans as a single consciousness. For better or worse I had completed the ticket. Now I just had to listen to Dean from accounting tell everyone about his weekend for the rest of eternity.