The Lobster-Chef Interrogation

“Mrs. Peters, can you explain what happened?”

“From the beginning, or-”

“From the beginning.”

“Oh dear, the beginning. Well, I was at the restaurant with all my friends. Christie, and Julie, and Stacey, and Karen, and Rachel, and Rachel’s odd daughter, and Julie’s husband, and Stacey’s cousin-”

“Please, ma’am, continue. We already know who was involved.”

“Oh, are you going to interrogate them? Oh, don’t do that. Poor Christie will crack under the stress, no, she won’t like that. Christie always melts down at something. Last year it was the Fourth of July, the fireworks were wet, and she’d so wanted to see them. Then it was her granddaughter’s first steps— my, we heard about that at bridge club for weeks. Before that it was her maid-of-honor looking better at the ceremony than she did, and before that-”

“Ma’am.”

“Sorry, so sorry, I do this all the time! My mouth just starts running- bblblbbblblblbbblbl, just like a motor. My husband tells me, he tells me, “Helen, if you don’ shut up, I’m gonna start sleepin’ in the livin’ room again!” He’s from Kentucky, officer, they talk horrid like that.”

“Ma’am, please, just answer the questions.”

“What questions? You haven’t asked me anything yet! Don’t run your hand through your hair like that, you’ll go bald. Where are you going?”

...

“State your name.”

“Mrs. Julie Tulip Angella Pearl Jonson. That’s Jonson with no ‘h’, officer. And ‘Angella’ with two ‘l’s’. Tulip— can you spell Tulip?”

“I can, ma’am.”

“Good boy. Some folks can’t, you know. I do pity them, just not as bright as others. You know, I once met someone who spelled ‘pie’ wrong, wrote it like ‘pi’ with an ‘i’-”

“Please describe the incident.”

“Well, it was very dark outside and I was meeting with all my friends— Helen, Stacey, Christie, Rachel—”

“I know, ma’am. Mrs. Peters already told me.”

“Well, you might have forgotten. And Rachel’s daughter, and Julie’s husband, and Stacey’s cousin— write that down good, officer.”

“...Thank you, ma’am.”

“Alright then. It was dark, very dark, too dark to see my own hand. We were all headed to the restaurant, gabbling away. Then Rachel’s daughter got into a fight with Julie, who’s around her age. We had to go and break it up, can you believe that?”

“Ma’am, just the facts. We don’t have time for all the details.”

“Well fine then. Just the facts, sir? We go into the restaurant, eat, hear some yelling, see a lobster, talk to the police, and go home.”

“Ma’am, I’m going to need a little more.”

“You said you wanted the facts, officer, those are the facts. You want to hear the story, listen to me hash it out.”

“...Very well, ma’am. Go ahead.”

“Good boy. Now, it was very dark outside, too dark to see my own hand...”

...

“Please state your name.”

“You already know my name.”

“I do, yes, but this has to go on the record.”

“Can’t you just write it?”

“Yes ma’am, but we still need a record.”

“Maybe you can’t spell my name.”

“We can, ma’am.”

“Really? I got a pretty long name.”

“I’m aware of that, ma’am.”

“Why do you need me to state my name then?”

“Official reasons.”

“How official?”

“Very official.”

“Too official to just write it down?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Or is it cause you can’t spell?”

“...You are Nymphadora Jones, daughter of Rachel Jones?”

“Yes.”

“What happened at the restaurant, Miss Jones?”

“Lots of stuff! There was a lobster, an angry ex, a chef with a knife, and a dude that punched an old lady. ”

“What order did these events take place?”

“Good question.”

“Do you remember?”

“Sorta.”

“Ma’am—”

“I was in the bathroom the whole time, officer! Came back to blood all over the table, and some lady shrieking, “The shoes! Where are the shoes?” Then you all showed up and dragged everyone to the police station. Even me. Why’d you bring me, Officer? I wasn’t even there.”

“...Please go.”

“Love to. By the way, are you married?”

“I’m ten years older than you.”

“I’m not picky-”

“Get out.”

...

“Sit down.”

“Can I stand instead? I got a hip.”

“...Fine. Now state your name.”

“Christie Brown. Used to be Christie M—”

“That’s very nice, ma’am, but Brown is fine. What happened at the restaurant? Wait, did you witness the incident?”

“Yes. It was awful. There was blood, and shoes, and lobsters, and- everyone was so upset- it scares me to think about it.”

“Have a tissue.”

(sniffles)

“Thank you.”

“We’ve listened to the testimonies of other witnesses, and it’s been officially called, “The Lobster Incident” on the local news. However, as your table was right at the Incident, we’ve decided to interview each of you personally to get an accurate report. Most likely they’ll want to interview you for the news as well but you don’t have--”

“News? We get to be on television?”

“Possibly.”

“When? Where? Why haven’t we been told?”

“We need to interrogate you to get the facts right. Some witnesses account for the old woman being punched after the lobster ran out of the kitchen, some before. We want to make sure everything is very clean.”

“For the television?”

“No, for apprehending the man who punched the old woman. To ensure the safety of everyone involved.”

“Well, don’t waste your time with that, officer. The television’s more important. Those channels go everywhere. Oh, and I’ll get to be on the news, in front of everyone, they’ll all see me shine—”

“Well, we need the facts, ma’am. So if you could help—”

“Actually, may I go? My memory’s not so good and I need to be ready for the TV. Maybe interview someone else? You’re probably more likely to get a straight answer out of them.”

“No, actually, as it turns out.”

“Well, to tell you the truth, it’s just- it’s too hard to talk about. All the blood… It was so scary! Oh, officer…”

“Have a tissu— oh, take the whole box.”

“Why thank you. Oh, they’re so nice and soft… I like this little picture of the baby bear wiping his nose, look at the little snout.”

“You’ve— you’ve got something on your cheek, ma’am.”

“Oh dear! Now I’ll really look a fright! Oh, what if all the news people are out there, oh I’d be so embarrassed…”

“Just go, ma’am. Take the tissues with you.”

...

“Please state your name.”

“Mr. Donovan Jonson, officer. Mrs. Julie’s husband.”

“Yes, I interviewed her second. Been married long?”

“Thirty-four years, officer.”

(very long pause)

“Poor bastard.”

“Yessir.”

(another pause)

“You like scotch?”

“Yessir.”

“Scotch is good, isn’t it?

“Very good. I have a glass a day, sir.”

“Thirty-four years, eh?”

“She gets louder with each one, sir.”

“I bet. How’d you meet?”

“Disco rollerblading night at the Moonshine Alley, officer.”

“Woof.”

“Yessir.”

“Why were you there?”

“My cousin, sir. Mrs. Helen Peters.”

“I met her. Dear Lord, Mr. Jonson.”

“Yessir.”

(pause)

“Sir?”

“Yes?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be interrogating me?”

...

“State your name.”

“Miley Wilkes, officer. Miley for short.”

“You are the cousin of Mrs. Stephanie Garcia, age forty-seven?”

“Yes officer.”

“Can you describe the incident, please?”

“Right from the beginning?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, but I have one question-”

“Please, please don’t.”

“Just one question!”

(sighs)

“Very well. What is it?”

“If I leave, will I be in trouble?”

“Uh, ma’am, this is an interrogation. We have some questions for you.”

“Yes, but my kids have a sitter I don’t trust a whole lot. “

“Why did you leave them with him then?”

“Cause I wanted to go out, officer, honestly! Don’t you have children?”

“No, but I’m not sure why you left them alone with someone you don’t trust.”

“Sitters were in short demand! The guy heard me talking on my phone to the teenager down the street, and when she said no, he offered! What was I supposed to do?”

“Uh.”

“I mean, Henry just took off on his business trip, leaving me all alone with the kids! It’s been a whole week, officer! I’m getting desperate!”

“The, uh, the interrogation…”

“So what if the sitter was shifty eyed? My daughter’s fourteen and beautiful, she can take care of it herself. Attractive people are usually smarter, officer. Look at me— a blossom in the desert wind, with eyes like limpid pools of sapphires. Did you know that I went to college for two years?”

“Very- very impressive. But the interrogation… ”

“My daughter gets all B’s and we’ve talked about leaving her home alone all the time. I’m sure she can take care of it. I shouldn’t be worried.”

“Maybe you could answer the questions quicker, so you can get home to your kids. The sooner we finish—”

“Why? Do you think something’s wrong? Do you think they’re hurt??”

“Wh- no, of course not, it’s just-”

“WHAT? IT’S JUST WHAT?”

“It seems an odd situation you’ve left them in, but nothing to worry about. Now, I have a question about the chef-”

“MUMMY’S COMING, PRECIOUSES!”

Transcript of the Lobster-Chef Interrogations:

Mrs. Helen Peters: No information.

Mrs. Julie Tulip Angella Pearl Jonson: No information.

Ms. Nymphadora Jones: No information.

Mrs. Christie Brown: No information.

Mr. Donovan Jonson: No information.

Mrs. Miley Wilkes: No information, left before the interrogation concluded.

Case Report by Officer Vlachos:

No witnesses.