The Adventures of Ice Cream Man

Have you ever had a lick of ice cream that changed your life?--because I have. I was walking through the park one hot, sunny day when I came across an ice cream stand. I asked the clerk for a chocolate-vanilla swirl on a Belgian waffle cone. Everything changed when I took that first tongue-full. The cold hit me with a brain freeze going eighty miles an hour. I sat down as the world around me swam.

I regained my bearings after a minute and ran home. There, I was greeted by my roommate, Reggie, offering me Pizza Rolls. "No time for Pizza Rolls," I said, rushing past him. I went to my room and lay in my bed in a cold sweat, wondering if I had somehow developed lactose intolerance. Despite my struggles, I eventually fell asleep.

When I awoke, my once blurry vision was clear. My once scrawny physique was now muscular. I noticed my A/C running at the lowest temperature, but I did not feel cold. I reached for a t-shirt and vanilla ice cream shot out of my hand. I jumped back. I looked at my hand and held my other hand out, and chocolate ice cream shot from it.

At first, I was mortified. I quickly wiped up all of the ice cream and went out to the living room. I figured if I didn't think about it, it would all go away. That's where I was wrong. Reggie was watching the news over a bowl of ramen when I sat with him. He looked at me mid-slurp and said, "You seeing this, dude?" He rewound the news:

"All across New York City, people have discovered they have food-based superpowers. Here, one Antonio Bautista claims he has gotten hamburger-based superpowers."

The TV switched to a man in his early thirties. "I was eating a cheeseburger and then this happened." He punched his fists together, and they turned into giant hamburgers. As he was answering the reporter's questions, a whole human-sized fried chicken smashed through an eighth-story window in the background, and smashed into the window of another building. Antonio turned to the commotion and said, "Uh...I'll be right back." He punched the ground with his burger fists, which catapulted him into the air.

"As evident, this surge in superpowers has caused a wave of criminal activity and vigilanteeism. We advise everybody to stay indoors. Susan?"

"Thank you, Ken. We have here Dr. Grace Stanley, professor of nuclear science at the University of the Bronx, who has a theory on these superpowers. Dr. Stanley?"

"Thank you, Susan. This surge in superpowers comes from a recent deregulation in sugar that allows it to contain much higher levels of nuclear radiation than previously allowed. Perhaps-"

Reggie shut off the TV. "Shit's getting insane, dude."

"You know what's even more insane?" I asked.

"Hm?" he asked.

"This," I said, shooting a glob of vanilla ice cream into his ramen bowl.

"Holy shit dude," he said, getting up, "How long have you had superpowers?"

"Uh...for five minutes."

"Dude. You can be like a superhero," he said.

"You think so?"

"Yeah! You know what they say about powers and being responsible."

"Uh, sure."

"We need to get you a superhero suit."

"Wait...I think I got something."

I ran into my room and found an old ice cream parlor Halloween costume. I put that one with a medical mask because you know, all superheroes need a secret identity. I went out and asked, "How's this?"

"It could use some improvement," Reggie said, holding a plate of Bagel Bites.

"I know," I said, "But it's functional."

Before Reeggie can say anything else, CRASH!

"What the Hell was that?" Reggie yelled, having dropped his food.

We ran to the window and saw the giant fried chicken and the burger guy fighting outside. Me and Reggie looked at each other.

"I think I should help him," I said.

Without waiting for Reggie to answer, I ran out the door and went upstairs. I got to the roof and watched the fight below. The chicken had burger man pinned up against a building and was punching him with a wing. I sniped it with a chocolate blast. The chicken turned its whole body to me and launched itself. I instinctively held my fists down, and ice cream shot out of both my hands, propelling me into the air, and saving me from the chicken that smashed into where I was standing.

"Cool! I can fly!" I said.

The chicken launched itself at me, but burger man was faster, slamming the chicken into my building with his burger fists. We both fought the chicken with a burger and ice cream fusion. Occasionally, the chicken got a fist of fried evilness into one of our faces. However, we had it cornered against a water tower. I used my ice cream blast to freeze the tower's support beams, while burger man knocked it over. It fell onto the chicken and burst open. From the watery chaos, there emerged no giant fried chicken, but a young woman. We approached with caution.

"Thank you," she said.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I was fighting with my boyfriend, and I turned into that," she said, "I swear I had no control."

"Like the Hulk," Antonio, the burger man said.

He looked at me and said, "Oh, and uh...thanks for the help out there. Tony."

"Uh...you can call me Ice Cream Man," I said.

"Oh yeah," I guess we gotta use fake names," Tony said, "You can call me Hammed Fists."

He chewed on it for a second, and said, "Yeah, that's cool. Hey! we should do more superhero things sometime."

"That sounds cool," I said.

We exchanged phone numbers, while the police came and took the woman away.

"See you later, dude," he said before slamming his burger fists to the ground and flying away.

"Yeah, see you later," I said. I snuck back into my building, wondering what food Reggie had made now.