Standup
How to Survive a Family Gathering Without Losing Your Mind
Ah, family gatherings. That magical time when relatives you haven’t seen since the last solar eclipse gather under one roof to eat, shout, laugh, and ask you questions that make you question your life choices. If you’ve ever walked into a family get-together feeling confident—and left with mild trauma and a missing Tupperware—you’re not alone. This guide will walk you through everything you need to barely survive your next family reunion with your sanity (and snack plate) intact. --- 1. Prepare for the Interrogation Room The moment you walk in, some well-meaning (read: nosy) relative will launch a full investigation into your personal life. Get ready for: “So, what are you doing with your life?” “Still single? Why?” “When are you getting married?” “When are you giving us grandchildren?” “Have you gained weight or is that just happiness?” Pro Tip: Wear sunglasses indoors and pretend you’ve become spiritually enlightened and can’t answer earthly questions. --- 2. Secure Your Snacks Early You have approximately 7 minutes from the start of the event before your favorite food items disappear into your cousin's bottomless stomach. Uncles will camp near the sweets like it's a Black Friday sale, and aunties will keep the good stuff "for later." Pro Tip: Casually walk into the kitchen and “offer to help serve,” then sneak your plate behind the microwave. Retrieval is a solo mission—use stealth. --- 3. The Cousin Comparison Game No matter what you’ve achieved, there will always be a cousin who “just became a doctor-engineer-astronaut-businessman,” and somehow also owns a startup and a wife who makes 5-layer cakes. Pro Tip: Nod politely, then fake a phone call from Elon Musk. Loudly say, “Sorry, I can’t join the Mars mission this year, my mom made biryani.” --- 4. The Baby Photo Blackmail Somewhere in the middle of the gathering, your mother or an aunt will pull out your most embarrassing baby photo. Usually naked. Usually during dinner. Pro Tip: Distract them with a fake medical emergency. “Uncle Shafiq is choking on a samosa!” Then delete the photo when everyone rushes over. --- 5. Surviving the Kids’ Attack Children at family events are either sugar-fueled tornadoes or quiet saboteurs. They will ruin your clothes, steal your phone, and ask questions like “Why do you look like that?” Pro Tip: Wear dark clothes, fake sleep, or bring a decoy phone filled with cursed videos like “How Cement is Made – Part 12.” --- 6. Auntie Gossip Hour (a.k.a. Live News) If CNN ever loses its ratings, it should hire your aunties. They know who’s getting divorced, who failed their exam, who dyed their hair red, and who was seen at a restaurant with someone not named "spouse." Pro Tip: Nod like you care, but slowly back away and pretend you just remembered the biryani is burning. --- 7. Crying, dancing, and music moments At some point, someone will turn on music, and your 50-year-old uncle will start dancing like it's 1997. Someone will shout “You used to dance so well as a child, show us!” Pro Tip: Fake an injury. Limp dramatically and claim “old football wound.” If asked to sing, say you’ve taken a vow of silence. --- 8. Escape Plan The event is wrapping up, but you’re not free yet. You must: Avoid helping with dishes without being labeled “lazy.” Escape with your Tupperware. Thank every adult personally or face lifelong grudge. Pro Tip: Create an emergency exit group chat with your siblings or allies. Use code phrases like “Operation Papadum” to coordinate exit. --- 9. Debrief & Recovery You’ve made it home. You smell like 7 types of curry and emotional damage. Sit back, scroll your phone, and prepare your social media post: > “Great time with the fam today! So much love and laughter!” (It’s all lies, but they’ll believe it.) --- Final Thoughts Family gatherings are chaotic, loud, and occasionally traumatic. But they're also full of memories, weird inside jokes, and people who’d fight a lion for you (or at least throw a slipper). So next time you're summoned, go prepared, stay sharp, and always, always guard your snacks with your life.
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