Satire
Jesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Deevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Dear Sir or Madam, Kindly Shove Your Artwork Up Your Ass
A Danish artist who was given a pile of cash by a museum in northern Denmark to create a piece for its exhibition on labor conditions two years ago submitted two empty canvases — titled “Take the Money and Run.” The exhibit caused a stir. (AP News, September 27, 2023)
By Brendan Donaghy2 years ago in Humor
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Local Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Lack of Goof
What is goof? Goof is a lovely term used to describe an individual who is goofy. Ha! Goof is definitively a mistake, or something stupid. Colloquially, it’s somebody who jokes around, makes fun out of anything, and overall has a good time. Goof is being carefree and unserious. Goofiness can lead to laughter or very blank stares. There is no right or wrong way to be goofy. The only wrong way to be goofy is to not be goofy at all. Goofballs exist at every corner. Debatably, there is a goofball inside us all. Interestingly enough, there is an utter lack of goof in the air of society. What the goof happened?
By Carmen Petralia2 years ago in Humor
Norm’s Diner Comes Out Fighting!. Top Story - November 2023.
A restaurant in the US is charging some of its customers for their inability to control their children while they dine there. Hidden away at the bottom of its menu, the Toccoa Riverside Restaurant tells its diners of its “adult surcharge” — adding three dollar signs next to the words: “For adults unable to parent.”- Sky News, 29 October 2023
By Brendan Donaghy2 years ago in Humor
