Pizza Place

Pizza Place takes place in the absurd world of Mama Mao's Szechuan Pizza, where employees struggle with corporate demands and the stresses of the fast food business, sustained by their familial love for each other, despite their internal conflicts.

In the pilot episode, District Supervisor Robert Bile issues them an ultimatum to increase daily sales to $1000 within 3 days or he will fire them all and convert their store to a tomato holding annex.

Our crew brainstorms crazy schemes, including selling a $1000 pizza to a celebrity and catering a pot smokers' convention, to keep the store open and their family together.

Cast:

Chloe: High-powered, sharp-tongued, sharp-witted go-getter employee. She desperately needs to keep her job to stay in graduate school and avoid displeasing her dad. Confounded by Palmer's slacker attitude. Frequently repeats, "How did you even get to be manager?"

Palmer: Easygoing slacker store manager. Received a large inheritance from his grandmother. He doesn't need the job and has no respect for corporate boss’s authority. He just wants life to be as easy and fun as possible.

Megan: Emotionally-warm, clingy, super-friendly "Twinkie." Always optimistic with a sunny disposition.

Jason: Affable, bumbling, incompetent delivery driver.

Robert Bile: Villainous Mama Mao's District Supervisor. The employees' nemesis seeking to close the store. Egocentric and condescending.

Diego: Robert's omnipresent sycophantic yes man.

I'd see Pizza Place as a throwback to classic absurdist live-action sitcoms like 3rd Rock from the Sun and Night Court.

Absurdism is the most fun sitcom subgenre for me to watch by far because it's so wild and unconstrained.

PILOT SCRIPT EXCERPTS:

EXCERPT 1:

INT. PIZZA STORE/OFFICE – DAY

The office has a desk, several chairs, a phone, a computer terminal, and a small flat-screen TV.

MEGAN (20s) is seated, playing a game on her cell phone.

PALMER (male, 20s) is lying on the floor sleeping with an empty whiskey bottle near his head. He’s using an empty pizza hotbag as a pillow.

CHLOE enters office, sits, picks up a copy of Scientific American magazine, and reads.

The store phone rings.

CHLOE stands to answer phone at computer terminal.

CHLOE

(disinterestedly)

Thank you for calling Mama Mao’s where we use one hundred percent real goat cheese from only psychologically well-adjusted free-range goats, and our sauce is made from only the freshest, choicest Roma tomatoes harvested four times daily from our proprietary tomato vineyards in Napa Valley and rushed via high-speed, armored tomato transport to a holding facility near Fresno, California, where each tomato is hand-inspected by a high-ranking official of the United States Department of Agriculture before continuing on its journey to... (beat) Hello? (beat) Idiot.

CHLOE hangs up and sits.

PALMER makes loud snoring sound.

MEGAN

Ooooh! I got Pikachu!

Phone rings.

CHLOE, remaining seated and continuing to read magazine, picks up phone with one hand and hangs up.

Phone rings.

CHLOE gives exasperated look.

MEGAN

I’ve got this one.

(stands and picks up phone)

(cheerfully)

Thank you for calling Mama Mao’s where we use one hundred percent real goat cheese from only psychologically well-adjusted free-range goats, and our sauce is made from only the freshest, choicest...

(looks shocked)

Oh, okay.

(hangs up)

(to CHLOE and PALMER)

It’s Robert! He’s on his way here!

CHLOE jumps to her feet. PALMER wakes and sits up momentarily, then lies back down to sleep.

CHLOE

Holy mother of God! Robert’s coming! We’d better start cleaning.

PALMER stirs again, then lies back down, pulling his pizza bag/pillow over his head.

CHLOE

Didn’t you hear? Robert’s coming. How can you just lie there on the floor? What kind of manager are you, Palmer?

PALMER calmly sits up and yawns.

PALMER

Robert isn’t even real. He’s just a formless, amorphous gaseous plasma seeping through the crevices of Cthulhu’s underbelly. Pure evil has no substance.

CHLOE

Maybe. But all I know is if I lose this job I’ll have to quit school. A full scholarship in biochemistry only goes so far, and my dad’s Pershing Two attack Roomba is in standby mode if I fail to earn a graduate degree.

MEGAN

Yeah, I’m with you, Chloe. I can’t afford to get fired. When I hit three gigs of data, my phone reverts to sub-light speed. The Angry Birds will die. And besides, you guys are the only family I have since my One Direction Forever Facebook group deleted me.

MEGAN hugs CHLOE from side.

CHLOE looks uncomfortable and edges away.

PALMER

Nobody’s gonna get fired. Robert can’t afford to lose us. We’re the only sentient life forms who’ll work for the so-called wages he pays. If he could run this store with trained parakeets he would be all over that. But he needs us.

CHLOE

Maybe, but...

Phone rings.

MEGAN picks it up.

MEGAN

It’s for you, Palmer. Some automated message.

PALMER

Put it on speaker.

MEGAN flips switch.

RECORDED MESSAGE

Quinton Quigley Palmer, this is an automated notice from the Bank of Satan. A regularly scheduled weekly deposit from the estate of Erma Palmer has been credited to your account. You can view details online at Bank of Satan dot com...

PALMER

Just hang up.

MEGAN fumbles with switch.

RECORDED MESSAGE

Need a new car loan? Thinking about a second mortgage? Just visit one of our friendly Bank of Satan associates at...

PALMER throws beer can at phone.

Message stops.

Beer can bursts open and fizz sprays out.

PALMER gives annoyed look.

CHLOE

Well, I, for one, need this job, so I’m not taking any chances. Let’s start cleaning, Megan.

MEGAN

You’re right, Chloe. On it.

INT. PIZZA STORE/SALES AREA – DAY

CHLOE and MEGAN walk out of office into sales area.

CHLOE and MEGAN grab bottles of cleaning spray and spray countertop.

MEGAN

Wow, this stuff works awesome! What is it? Formula Four Oh Nine?

CHLOE

Nope, it’s my own invention, Formula Four Thousand Nine, pure concentrated sulfuric acid.

MEGAN

Wow, it sure gets off those grungy pizza sauce stains, but it’s eating away the countertop.

Doors fling open. ROBERT (40s) enters wearing a business suit. DIEGO (20s) follows behind him wearing an identical suit.

ROBERT

Well, well, well. What have we here? Discount temp agency rejects attempting to create the illusion of work?

CHLOE and MEGAN give friendly waves and smiles to ROBERT.

CHLOE

Hi Robert!

MEGAN

Yeah, hi Robert!

ROBERT

Don’t “hi Robert” me. Where’s Palmer?

MEGAN

Uhhh...

CHLOE

In the office taking a nap.

INT. PIZZA STORE/OFFICE – DAY

ROBERT walks into office and approaches PALMER, who is still lying on floor. DIEGO follows behind. MEGAN and CHLOE follow them into office.

ROBERT

Palmer, just what in the name of hell do you think you’re doing?

PALMER

I’m trying unsuccessfully to recover from a bad hangover, and the shrieking bat sounds emanating from your mouth aren’t helping at all.

ROBERT

Palmer, get off that floor.

PALMER stands up.

ROBERT

You are the most pathetic, useless excuse for a manager I’ve ever seen in my life. What do you have to say for yourself?

PALMER burps loudly.

CHLOE and MEGAN giggle, then smile sheepishly at ROBERT.

CHLOE and MEGAN

(in unison)

Sorry.

ROBERT

Very amusing. We’ll see who’s laughing when I inspect one of your pizzas for quality assurance.

ROBERT

Diego, hand me a test pizza.

DIEGO

Yes, Mister Bile.

DIEGO hands ROBERT a pizza. ROBERT opens the box and looks at the pizza.

ROBERT

Well, well, well. Very interesting. This would appear to be a gelatinous, amoeboid mass of shapeless goo. Diego, call nine one one. Tell the police we’ve found Steve Irwin’s murderer.

DIEGO

Yes, Mister Bile.

DIEGO takes out his cell phone.

ROBERT

No, you idiot. It was a joke.

DIEGO

Yes, Mister Bile. I mean no, Mister Bile. I mean yes, Mister Bile.

ROBERT shakes his head in disgust.

ROBERT

All right. Now for the real test. Let’s see how it tastes.

ROBERT ceremoniously picks up a slice of the pizza, closes his eyes, and takes one bite. He pauses for a few moments, his facial expression unchanged.

CHLOE and MEGAN look anxious and cross their fingers.

ROBERT

This is delicious. This is the best pizza I've ever eaten. It has a Romanesque quality reminiscent of the post-Modernist pies of Central Sicily.

(sniffs pizza)

And that nose! Pure heaven!

(takes another bite of pizza)

Yes, yes, the sauce is assertive, yet not arrogant. I am submitting this pie for inclusion in the Pizza Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

MEGAN

Wow, are you serious?

ROBERT

Of course. I’m going to submit an email to...No! I’m not serious! This is the worst pizza I’ve ever eaten. I’ve eaten pizza from cesspools that tastes better.

PALMER

I don’t doubt that.

CHLOE AND MEGAN giggle uncontrollably, then force themselves to stop and look at ROBERT in a contrite way.

CHLOE AND MEGAN

(in unison, to ROBERT)

Sorry.

EXCERPT 2:

INT. PIZZA STORE/SALES AREA – NIGHT

PALMER, CHLOE, MEGAN, and JASON look with awe at a pizza box resting on counter.

PALMER

Well, there it is in all its glory. The Mama Mao-minator. Billions of dollars and years of research in its making.

JASON

Actually six ninety-nine and fifteen minute wait time at Little Caesar’s, but whatever.

MEGAN

I feel like I should bow and offer it a human sacrifice or something.

JASON

Hey, don’t look at me. I’m not a virgin.

CHLOE

Yeah, that’s what they all say.

MEGAN

I think it can see into my soul. It’s creeping me out.

CHLOE

It must be kept at a constant ambient internal temperature of forty-nine degrees Celsius at thirty-four percent humidity or the cheeselock could be compromised, resulting in a catastrophe.

MEGAN

Wow, it’s like working at NASA.

PALMER

Okay, let’s roll. It’s the Presidential Suite, top floor of the Unconscionably Wealthy Inn and Estates.

PALMER puts the pizza in the hotbag and hands it to JASON.

JASON

I’ve got this. I’m a highly trained delivery professional. You can count on me.

JASON exits without the hotbag. A few seconds later he comes back in and grabs the hotbag, stumbling over the threshold as he exits.

EXT. CEMETERY LOT – NIGHT

JASON is slowly driving through a cemetery with tombstones and floral displays.

He takes a bite of hot dog he’s holding with one hand.

JASON

Dammit, I told them extra ketchup. Idiots. Hmm, this doesn’t look like a hotel to me. G P S, are you sure this is the right place?

GPS VOICE

This is your destination, Unconscious Dead People Estates and Crematorium.

JASON

Cool. (beat) Oh, wait. I’m dead.

(out window)

No offense, y’all!

INT. PIZZA STORE/SALES AREA – NIGHT

PALMER, CHLOE, and MEGAN are standing, anxiously awaiting JASON’s return.

CHLOE

Dammit, where’s Jason? It’s been over an hour.

The store phone rings and MEGAN picks it up.

MEGAN

Thank you for calling Mama Mao’s where we use one hundred percent real goat cheese from only psychologically well-adjusted, free-range (beat) Oh, okay.

(to PALMER)

It’s the rich guy. He wants to talk to the manager.

PALMER picks up the phone.

PALMER

Yes, this is the manager. How can I help you? (beat) Wow, really? He’s still not there? I’m sorry. No, please don’t cancel...

CHLOE grabs phone from PALMER.

CHLOE

(into phone)

I’m so sorry, sir! I beg of you please don’t cancel! I can offer you ten percent off and a free shrimp cocktail. And my mother’s phone number. Please, I’m begging you! (beat) Hello?

(hangs up phone)

(to others)

We’re totally screwed. What the hell happened to Jason? I’m gonna kill him.

JASON enters carrying pizza bag.

CHLOE

Jason! What the literal...?

JASON

Okay, I know this looks bad, but as God is my witness, it was totally autocorrect’s fault.

JASON holds out his phone to CHLOE.

CHLOE

What the hell are you talking about? Where did you go?

CHLOE grabs phone from JASON and looks at the screen.

CHLOE

You’ve got to be kidding me. You went to a cemetery?

JASON

Yeah, I know. It seemed a little off when all I saw was flowers and tombstones. But theme hotels are all the rage in Europe, so...

(takes onion ring from box and offers it to CHLOE)

Onion ring?

CHLOE

You had one job!

JASON

I know. I’m sorry. But I tried. Chillax, buddy.

CHLOE

That’s all you can say? Chillax?! What even is that? A Frappuccino stool softener?

PALMER

Hey, calm down. What’s one thousand dollars in the grand scheme of things? It’s not like we can’t get jobs in a waste treatment plant. Those of us who need jobs, that is.

CHLOE

Sure, rub it in. Hey Megan, check Monster dot com and see if there are any waste treatment or stripper jobs anywhere.

MEGAN looks at her phone screen and types.

MEGAN

Looks like Wasteco Limited and Boobs Aplenty are hiring.

CHLOE

Well, there’s that.

EXCERPT 3:

INT. PIZZA STORE/OFFICE – DAY

PALMER, CHLOE, MEGAN, and JASON are seated. CHLOE is holding a newspaper and reading from the classified ads.

CHLOE

Hey, here’s one. Overnight degreaser at Burger Chef. Seven twenty-five an hour and one percent discount on employee meals.

PALMER

Really?

CHLOE

Wait, here’s another one. Network news writers.

JASON

No, screw that. Even I won’t sink that low.

CHLOE

Hmm, towel person for maximum security state prison. Dental.

MEGAN

Oh, God.

JASON

Well, even if we can’t find anything, it’s not the end of the world. Good ol’ Palmer here can put us up in one of his castles in Scotland.

MEGAN

I know, right?! We can earn our keep by cleaning the stables.

JASON

Or dehumidifying the wine cellars.

MEGAN

Or giving pedicures to his henchmen. Ugandan war lords love pedicures!

CHLOE

Hold on, you guys. We can’t ask Palmer to do that. It’s not right. Whatever happened to rugged individualism?

JASON

And we can lounge at the pool all day and eat snickerdoodles.

MEGAN

And get back rubs from the servants.

(smiles excitedly)

PALMER laughs.

PALMER

You guys are hilarious. If only. I’ll be doing good to pay rent on my apartment at the Casa de HUD and keep myself in discount weed until I’m thirty on what my grandma left me. But sure, you guys can stay with me and Ashley if you need to. I mean we’re family, right? But first one that messes with my Seinfeld action figures is dead.

CHLOE, MEGAN, AND JASON are visibly touched by PALMER’s offer.

MEGAN

Okay, bring it in.

Group hug.

As they draw back from hug, CHLOE gives annoyed look and points to her shirt which got ruffled.

CHLOE

Really? This is real polyester you know.

EXCERPT 4:

INT. PIZZA STORE/SALES AREA – NIGHT

Store phone is ringing constantly throughout scene, unanswered.

PALMER frantically, haphazardly stacks 12 boxed pizzas on counter.

PALMER

Order sixty-three is ready to go!

PALMER frantically runs to make table to help CHLOE and MEGAN make pizzas.

CHLOE

Order sixty-seven is a ten-pie. Just need four more Yo Mamas.

PALMER

Really, Chloe? Yo Mama gets one quarter cup of water chestnuts. I’m relieving you of duty under paragraph two article four of the Maritime Pizza Code.

CHLOE

Oh yeah? You don’t know shit about the Pizza Code! Apparently you are woefully ignorant of paragraph five article two which states shove it up your ass, cheese boy!

PALMER

Oh yeah? Well...

Shot of pizza falling onto floor from conveyor belt leading out of oven. PALMER runs to cut table next to oven to see pizza on floor.

PALMER

We lost one! Remake on kung pao beef with bean pods, stat!

Make line pan containing cheese has tiny amount of cheese remaining. CHLOE scoops the inadequate amount of cheese and sprinkles it on a pizza she’s making. She then places two tiny pieces of beef and one bean pod on it and puts it on conveyor belt leading into oven.

CHLOE

Remake in! My God, they won’t stop! We’re completely out of product. Even after the emergency one-metric-ton Fedex goat cheese shipment.

MEGAN

We’re down to three jalapenos!

PALMER

Get the governor of Wisconsin on the red phone! Get me the C E O of Los Tontos Jalapenos! Type and cross-match ten units of pizza sauce, stat!

CHLOE slaps PALMER.

PALMER

Thanks. I needed that.

CHLOE

We’re gonna have to keep a cool head and think outside the box if we’re gonna have any chance of making it through this. (beat) I’ve got it!

CHLOE opens cash register and hands MEGAN some money.

CHLOE

Megan, here’s some money from the store cash. Go get some Tony’s frozen pizzas from Walmart. All they’ve got!

MEGAN

On it!

MEGAN rushes out.

PALMER

This shit is stupid. If I wanted to get my ass kicked, I would’ve joined the Marines or Comcast customer service.

CHLOE

Or cut line in front of Justin Bieber at Footlocker.

PALMER gives annoyed look.