Pileated

I was stuck in traffic, and I was going to be late again. I berated myself for not leaving earlier. Staring ahead, I could only see miles of vehicles. Changing the radio to AM 2375 to listen to the traffic report, I began impatiently thrumming my fingers on the steering wheel.

“...Bowen, Your Eye on Traffic on AM 2375 with today's, March 20, 2025, traffic report! There’s slow-moving traffic over on the 9, along with construction on the 22I exit on the Preston Banks Freeway and at the Baxter Creek Drive exit on 44W! As many listeners will have noticed, the closer to 89E you travel, the more stuck in traffic you become!

“There seems to be a pile-up of food trucks along the 133-mile marker of 89E, and it’s pretty ugly. Frozen pizza is covered with eggs, buttermilk has saturated the rye bread, and canned food has exploded all over the birthday cakes! Whipped topping covers every inch of the wreckage!

“The cause of this accident is a group of students that have chained themselves across the highway. Reports have come in saying that these students refuse to budge until Littleton, the blind opossum, and Milford, the burned jackrabbit, are returned to the wild, instead of being kept in the zoo…”

Aggravated, I flipped the radio off and rolled my window down. It was such a nice day, that I considered lowering the top, but the wind made me decide against it when I saw a little old lady fly past holding an open floral-patterned umbrella. Rubbing my eyes, I looked again, to see if I saw correctly, but she was blocked from view by a large bundle of mylar balloons.

Unfortunately, the vehicle next to me had an exhaust problem. Not only could I smell it, but the sound was also noisy. Glancing over to see who would drive such a death trap, I almost had a heart attack! A brown bear was driving the Chevy pickup truck beside him with a tiger in the passenger seat. On the door of the pickup were the words “Tuttle & Tyg’s Tree Trimming”

I turned and looked straight ahead again, hoping that Tuttle and Tyg hadn’t seen me looking at them, scared that they had. I started to roll the windows back up, but suddenly a woodpecker flew into the passenger window and landed on the passenger seat. Sitting down, it threw its wings behind its head and leaned back into the cushion.

I sat there staring at the bird, momentarily wondering what to do when it started talking to me.

“Sorry, Dude, but it’s been one hell of a flight. What with this wind and all. You don’t mind if I hitch a ride with you for a bit, do you? Just long enough for me to rest my wings?” The red-headed bird was asking me.

“Uh, um. Yeah, I guess, yeah. Sure.”

“Geez, you don’t know how rough this wind is on someone of my stature. These gusts have been blowing me all over the city, and all I’ve been doing is trying to get home. I would have hitched on the pickup truck over there, but hey, I don’t have a death wish, you know?” the strange talking bird continued.

“Uh, yeah, um, I don’t suppose anyone does.” All I could do was stare dumbly at the woodpecker, wondering where he came from. Or if I had been in a wreck, and this was just some dream while I was in a coma.

Excitedly, I saw traffic moving ahead and prepared to drive forward, but I only pulled up six feet. Aggravated even more, I slammed the car into park and shut the engine off.

We sat in traffic for thirty minutes without moving, and the red-headed woodpecker talked to me the entire time. He chatted about the weather, politics, and even his family life. I was listening to him talk about his favorite meals when the traffic started moving again, and we advanced six car lengths before stopping again.

“Well, you know, I appreciate the lift, and letting me rest for this bit. I do. I sure hope you get out of this kerfuffle soon. You humans can get into some tight messes. Anyways, goodbye. Maybe we’ll meet again soon,” and with those words, the woodpecker flew out of my car window and away.

As I watched him fly away, I looked at the Chevy, and Tuttle and Tyg were looking back at me. Nervously, I smiled and waved at them. They smiled and waved back. Tyg winked at me as I turned back around in my car seat.

Finally, traffic started moving, and kept going this time. Passing the wreckage site, I was amazed at all the debris scattered on the highway, knowing that the worst had been cleaned up. Driving on, I headed to work, three hours late, thankful to be moving again.