PICKUP LINES

Are you in the market for some second-hand laughs? Don’t worry, they’re low-mileage with all the bells, whistles, latest technology – and heated seats. Here at Nichols Pre-Owned Trucks, we have a huge inventory of:

• Super-suave salespeople

• Receptionists with razor-sharp wit

• Clueless customers

• Fabulous finance managers

• …and some used trucks.

This is PICKUP LINES – a workplace sitcom. In the pilot, our main character Kelly is a 40-something looking for a part-time job. She’s recently been let go from an unspecified but unexciting office job after a round of layoffs. While this wasn’t her expected career path, she’s attempting – though not always successfully – to see it as a sign from the universe to revisit long-abandoned passion projects that she hasn’t had the time or energy to pursue. Specifically, creating a breakout LARP that would be played in VR. Of course…creative juices take time to simmer, and Kelly still needs to pay her mortgage, household bills, and put food on the table for herself and her feisty mom.

ACT I

The first scene of the pilot takes place in Kelly’s kitchen. She comes home from work early, startling Mom, and explains the job situation and her plans. Mom suggests that Kelly get an easy job – like answering phones part time at Nichols Pre-Owned Trucks – so she has plenty of downtime to come up with ideas for her game while still collecting a paycheck. Fortunately, one of Mom’s hobbies is prowling the online classified ads, and she just noticed the help wanted ad for the car lot today.

Kelly calls Nichols, and talks to a very bored receptionist, who puts her through to the office manager, Carla. After a few perfunctory questions, Carla invites her in for an interview the next day.

During the second scene, Kelly arrives at Nichols early. The building is a little dingy, with the slogan: “You’ll get more for your dollars at Nichols!” emblazoned across the front window in neon green lettering. Kelly notices two people lounging on a golf cart sitting outside the showroom. One is a woman a little older than Kelly; she asks Kelly if she wants to buy a truck. The guy acts offended for a second, then starts laughing.

The woman, Sam, says Joe is worried she’ll steal his commission, which is baloney because she’s not even a salesperson. Joe apologizes for Sam’s lack of finesse, and then goes into a spiel about how Kelly seems like a sensible person – if he were to guess, she needs an SUV for weekend hiking trips, maybe some volunteer work with rescue dogs – a reliable vehicle, but not new – so she doesn’t feel guilty about getting the interior a little muddy or scratching the paint. Barely stopping for a breath, he gets up and gestures toward an SUV that has definitely seen better days, and starts walking toward it.

Kelly gives Sam a mischievous look, and then – completely deadpan with a no-nonsense tone – tells Joe to stop. “Actually, I’m looking for the biggest, most powerful truck you have. I’m having a mid-life crisis career change, and I’m going to be either a Lumberjill or a ranch hand. So probably at least a three-quarter ton in case I have to tow a horse trailer. Anything like that on the lot?”

Joe stands there, dumbstruck. Sam is desperately trying not to laugh, and Kelly can only hold the pose for a few beats before she tells Joe she’s kidding and is here for an interview. Kelly introduces herself, and Sam warns Kelly she’ll need to brace herself because everyone is going to ask what her Kelley Blue Book value is.

Joe explains that the SUV has been sitting on the lot for nearly a year – a not-very-bright salesperson with a very short career at Nichols took it as a trade, and nobody can get rid of it. For the last few months, the sales team has had a running competition to sell the car – the sales managers initially offered a $500 bonus to whoever sells it, but each week they subtract $10. The bonus is down to $200 now, but still a decent amount of cash.

Carla comes charging out of the showroom, looking frazzled and lighting a cigarette, when she stops short and looks at Kelly. “Oh damn, are you my 2pm interview? I thought I had time for a smoke.”

As Kelly is trying to politely tell Carla to take her time, Sam pipes in, “Hire her. She’s the only person I’ve ever seen in 5 years at this place that wasn’t steamrolled by Joe’s pickup lines.”

Sam turns back to Kelly. “He mostly sells pickup trucks, so pickup lines, get it?”

Carla asks Kelly a few perfunctory questions, then tells her to come in and get a couple polo shirts, because she starts tomorrow. As they’re walking in, Carla says, “These new hires…they stay for a couple weeks, then quit to become social media influencers or side hustlers. You’re not one of those, are you?”

ACT II

Kelly arrives at 8am sharp in her white polo shirt with the Nichols logo on it. She walks over to the reception deck. There’s a nameplate on the desk that says “Receptionist,” a bunch of random piles of paper, and two empty chairs. She stands there feeling like an idiot, when a man she hasn’t met yet walks up and introduces himself as Jerry, a sales manager. He gets her clocked in and points out a notebook of general instructions – the script for answering the phone, how to transfer calls and page people over the intercom, etc.

While grateful, Kelly’s still confused because she thought the regular receptionist was going to train her. Jerry sighs and tells her it’s about 10 minutes too early for the daily tornado – don’t ask questions, just wait and see. He encourages her to grab a cup of coffee, maybe sit at one of the open desks and take a look at the inventory binder since he heard she was in the market for a huge truck.

The “customer coffee” is absolutely terrible, but Kelly fills up a cheap paper cup and takes the binder to the reception desk. She sets down the binder and is standing next to the desk with her coffee when a young woman with a massive purse rushes past and bumps her…spilling the drink all over Kelly’s shirt. The girl doesn’t even notice. A random sales guy walks by and makes a crack about not knowing today’s promotional event involved a wet t-shirt contest. Sam bops him with a roll of paper towels and comes to Kelly’s rescue.

As Kelly is mopping up her shirt, the woman with the huge purse returns to the desk, plops down in the chair and gives Kelly a weird look. Apparently, this is the receptionist. “Can’t you just get another shirt?” she asks. “They have tons. Otherwise you’re going to embarrass me all day.”

Unfortunately, Carla gave Kelly the last of the Nichols office staff polos yesterday, and the stain remover in the receptionist’s Mary Poppins-style purse isn’t quite cutting it. Amidst eye rolling, sighs, and periodic phone calls, the receptionist explains the piles of documents need to be scanned into the system.

“The problem is,” the receptionist says, “they didn’t give me a scanner. So, I’ve just been pretending I scanned them, but really, I’ve been stashing them in the desk.”

The receptionist opens all three of the desk drawers, which are crammed full of invoices. She confides, “The other side is the same.”

After a moment of reeling in horror, Kelly realizes the scanner is under the notebook of training instructions, and gently points this out. The receptionist is not at all fazed. “Huh. Well, looks like you won’t be bored on the weekend shifts. I’ll just scoot over to this chair and handle the phone while you figure out that scanning stuff.” Thus, the receptionist proceeds to answer a call and flirt with the salespeople while Kelly sighs and buckles down to scanning.

In the next scene, Kelly is sitting in her kitchen with Mom after her second day of work. She’s having doubts about this job. While she likes most of the sales and finance people, the receptionist who’s supposed to be training her is kind of a “mean girl” and isn’t actually letting her answer the phone. She doesn’t want to complain to Carla already, but she also doesn’t want to get stuck back on the hamster wheel – and for part-time pay. Mom gives her some wise-ass words of advice, then suggests Kelly wind down with a video game. Maybe that will spark some ideas her subconscious can work on while she scans invoices tomorrow. Kelly walks down the hall to her living room, turns on a gaming console, and puts on a VR device as the scene fades out….

…and then re-opens to Kelly asleep on the couch, woken up by a 7am phone call from Jerry (not ideal given she stayed up hanging out on Twitch until the wee hours.) Jerry has just discovered a resignation note on the reception desk and needs someone to cover the Friday shift. Carla’s off on PTO she’s had planned for months, and he can’t spare anyone else. Though barely awake, Kelly agrees to work a 10-hour shift on the condition he keeps the coffee coming all day – the good stuff from the Nespresso machine he keeps under his desk, not the swill they put out for customers.

He agrees – and also tells her the full-time receptionist can wear ‘office clothes,’ instead of the polo shirt. Kelly grabs a dress and cardigan out of a laundry basket sitting on the floor, mumbling that she always knew her lack of housekeeping skills might pay off, and exits the room.

ACT III

Kelly is back at the dealership, hustling to the receptionist desk. She logs on to the computer and signs in, then opens the training notebook and a pad of sticky notes. Jerry walks up with an actual mug of coffee and sets it on top of her sticky notes.

“The best way to learn is by doing,” he insists. “Let’s start with the intercom. Most of the time you have to page somebody, it’s because a customer, friend, ex-wife, whatever, walks up to your desk and asks for somebody. All you have to do is pick up the receiver, press this button, and say: Jerry Taggert to the front desk, Jerry Taggert to the front desk.”

Kelly tries but sees one of the salespeople walking in from the lot give a thumbs down. Alarmed, she looks at Jerry. “Say it like you mean it – project your voice,” he suggests.

Kelly tries again and gets a thumbs up. Jerry smiles and continues, “The other scenario for paging is if somebody calls in but doesn’t know the extension of their salesperson. From here, you can usually see if that salesperson is at their desk with a customer or busy – but sometimes they’ll be out on the lot. If you don’t see them, you can park the call on Line 1 or Line 2 with these buttons, then press the intercom button and page them. You can read about what other buttons to push to get the call back and offer voicemail if they don’t pick up, but let’s try parking and paging.”

Jerry calls the receptionist line and Kelly successfully pages Jerry. He hangs up, and the Line 1 light goes out. He smiles and assures her she’ll do great – and if the call drops, most people call right back, no big deal. As he’s about to go back to the management desk, he stops and checks his watch. “Hey, I need to talk to Anita about a trade before her customer comes in. Can you page her to the front desk for me?”

Kelly is now feeling confident and ready to show off. “Sure! What’s her last name?”

Jerry thinks for a minute. “She’s new…I think it’s…Bang?”

Kelly nods and picks up the phone. The scene cuts to the lot, where a few random salespeople and detail guys are milling about. Over the intercom, they hear, “Anita Bang to the front desk, Anita Bang – front desk! Oh…. crap.”

Back in the showroom, everybody is cracking up. “Excellent job,” Jerry says. “You’ve earned your coffee. By the way, the staff list and their extensions should be on page two.”

A smoking hot guy in his early 20s in a work shirt with the name “Richard” on it walks up to her desk. “I heard your page and am offering my services,” he says with complete seriousness.

“Um, I’ll take a raincheck,” she mumbles, chugging coffee to hide her embarrassment.

In the next scene, it’s early afternoon. Jerry has been keeping his promise to keep the coffee coming, and Kelly is in relatively good spirits – though starting to sag a little from the constant scanning. She’s borrowed a box to store the scanned invoices and labeled other piles with her trusty sticky notes.

A short and muscular man with mirror shades and a Stetson hat swaggers in, stops in the middle of the showroom, and then loudly greets Jerry. Sam sidles up to the reception desk and explains this fellow is Duke Vegas. He helps find inventory for a couple of auto auction houses throughout the state and is the kind of person who thinks he has to come out and literally kick the tires. Sam also warns Kelly that Duke believes himself a ladies’ man and will probably stop by her desk once he’s done talking to Jerry.

Thus, Duke approaches in his suavest swagger and leans on the desk, bragging about how he’s a big deal in the area, and today he’s got a couple vehicles on his radar for a big charity auction coming up. It’s for his daughter’s favorite animal shelter, and he’s also on the lookout for a used SUV to donate – just so they know who the alpha dog in town is. Since they typically pick up muddy, matted strays out in the middle of nowhere, there’s no point getting anything top of the line – in fact, if it’s got some dings or scrapes, he can just get the top-notch detail crew at the auto auction house to shine it up real nice.

When she can get a word in edgewise, Kelly gushes about what a generous man he is and how the rescue shelter will be so grateful for the donation. When he’s all puffed up with pride, she talks up the SUV Joe tried to sell her a couple days ago. She’s got him hook, line, and sinker – so she pages Jerry to the front desk. Jerry looks a little concerned on his way over, but she just smiles and sweetly describes the vehicle’s location on the lot. Jerry grins, claps Duke on the back, and takes him out to the lot to check out the SUV and a couple other vehicles he has in mind for the auction. As they walk away, Kelly hears Jerry say, “Isn’t she a peach!?!” (or something similarly inane) and the scene fades out.

When the scene fades back in, Kelly is again scanning documents as Duke swaggers back to her desk, raving about how perfect that SUV is, and she should keep an eye out for other gems like that on the lot since he’ll be stopping by about once a week. He adds that he’d love to take her out to dinner after her shift is over – surely, she’d enjoy a nice smooth ride in his brand-new truck? Kelly looks out the front window an realizes he’s referring to a bright orange F250 with smoked windows and…. huge metal truck nuts. She demurely declines (no raincheck this time), claiming she has to get home to spend time with her elderly mother. Just then, Jerry pages Duke to the sales desk, and Kelly slumps back in her chair in relief.

Sam walks up with a, ‘tell me everything’ look, and Kelly explains that she’s narrowly avoided cruising in the F250 Dually Diesel Crew Cab of Love. Also…what kind of name is Duke Vegas? Sam confirms it’s not his real name – she sees all the sales paperwork. Kelly hypothesizes this wannabe big shot is actually a gaming nerd that borrowed a badass sounding name from Duke Nukem…who lived in Vegas between Duke Nukem 3D and Duke Nukem Forever.

As Sam is pondering a response Jerry walks over and gives Kelly an envelope of cash – the bonus for the SUV sale and tells her she’s earned it, and another day of good coffee – because coffee is for closers. She’s also earned the full-time receptionist position if she wants it – though Jerry thinks she might make a better salesperson. Kelly agrees to take over as full-time receptionist but wants to get to know the business a little better before she starts thinking about sales.

OUTRO/CREDITS

Kelly is sitting at the reception desk with about 15 minutes left before the showroom closes, and she’s organizing the piles of documents to scan and check tomorrow. Jerry stops by the desk and hands her a coffee to go, then asks, “Can you page Richard Smoker? I’ve got a couple of knobs for him to polish. On that truck we’re delivering now, of course. Tons of chrome.”

As Kelly starts to refuse with a withering look, Sam nods that she should do it. Reluctantly – though confidently - Kelly pages Richard Smoker to the main showroom. A few moments later, the same stunningly hot guy who “answered” her page this morning walks up to the desk and smiles at her. Kelly grins and tells him Jerry has instructions for him.

The pilot closes with a close-up of the nameplate on the desk with “Kelly” written on a sticky note and taped to it.