One Man and His Pit Bull

A special edition of the popular BBC TV show 'One Man and His Dog', which this week is located in the Drummock Valley in rural Yorkshire and hosted as always by the venerable Bill Thrapple.

Bill Thrapple: Welcome to a special trans-Atlantic edition of 'One Man and His Dog' which, just for one day, we've renamed 'One Man and His Pit Bull' as we have an American visitor to our shores, well, two really, who will show us a novel way of shepherding sheep. So, we're expecting a real thrill-ride. Welcome Rich Kaminski, welcome to the show.

Rich: It's great to be here.

Bill: And who's this bitch?

Rich: This is Gertrude, my 4-year old Pit Heeler.

Bill: Tell us more about her.

Rich: She's a fine dog. Australian- American cross-bred Pit Heeler. Strong muscles, smooth coat and a jaw that could lift an automobile. But best of all is that brain box between her cocked-up ears, you can see the wisdom in her eyes, full of intelligence and intellectual curiosity. I tell you, if she could read and write, she could be a Physics major.

Bill: Wonderful. And a great cattle-herder we're told. Let's see how she copes with the sheep today. OK, off you go to your starting position down in this delightful dell.

And with me here is Arthur Benshall, my co-commentator as always. It's a beautiful setting here isn't it Arthur?

Arthur: It certainly is that. A majestic, sweeping landscape with lush green vegetation dappled with beautiful little islands of multi-coloured wildflowers. And looming over it all are those ancient and imperious oak trees which provide the perfect backdrop casting their shadow on the old sheds of the battery hen farm just behind.

Bill: Utterly delightful.

Arthur: And the sounds too, which I love. The rustling of leaves in this gentle wind, the bubbling and gurgling of the local brook and of course the joyous twittering of the bird life. A marvellous, musical symphony of nature punctuated only by the distant rumblings from the British Army firing range at Coxcester.

Bill: Now Rich and Gertrude are at the marker and it's time to get started with the opening 'Fetch' section of the trial where Gertrude will go and collect the sheep.

Arthur: And she's off! Nostrils flaring, teeth bared and mouth snarling, she's out like a rocket. Very dynamic start. Much too fast though, she'll lose points for that.

Bill: Not a good start by any means. Quite the opposite effect of what she needed. She's actually scattered the flock out of there and they've shot off in all directions.

Arthur: And who can blame them? An unsettling beginning.

Bill: But she's going really wide now, making a huge circle to gather them back in. Oops! She's gone and bit the backside of our scenic cameraman up on the hill.

Arthur: Oh dear, what a pity. No long shots then for the time being.

Bill: Yes, I think he must have seen his whole pension plan flash before his eyes. The sound engineer has scarpered too.

Arthur: He's got a bad phobia for dogs an'all. I don't know why he took this job. We may lose him to ITV.

Bill: But let's get back to the action. Gertrude has recovered and got the sheep back in a group.

Arthur: She's lost 10 points though and those look like mightily worried sheep. Apart maybe from that haughty and defiant ewe at the front. She looks headstrong and a force to be reckoned with.

Bill: Now for the Shedding Ring where the dog must 'shed' a sheep, in other words, single one off from the rest. This is a test of patience, subtlety and gentle manoeuvres.

Arthur: Ah! She's gone for a more direct approach. Rather feisty for a female. Dragged one out by the throat.

Bill: It's that bolshie ewe. That'll teach her. But at least there's no blood. The dog would lose a lot of points for that.

Arthur: Yes, a soft-mouth extraction it was indeed. Nevertheless the judges weren't impressed and they've docked her a whopping 15 points.

Bill: Disaster. Moving on now to the Cross-Drive up the hill and behind the trees. Have we any camera crew up there?

Arthur: No, not up there. Lucky for them. But I see the scenic guy and the jittery engineer are back at their posts after going AWOL. We could have done with a good dog to round them up too.

Bill: There's a loud commotion behind the trees. The sheep are well out of sight. But out comes the dog. She's got something in her teeth.

Arthur: Looks like a fresh leg of mutton for sure. Someone will need to get that off her. I'll contact the village pub, let the chef over at the 'Duck and Sludge-Pump' know, and we can book a table for two. But she'll lose points for that.

Bill: Now to finish, it's time to get the rest of them down the hill and into the pen.

Arthur: Sheep don't like going downhill and they do tend to dictate the pace along the way. But somehow I think this dog has grabbed their attention, as well as their legs and throats.

Bill: They're certainly going down fast, running past that burnt-out tree at the bottom which we're told was recently struck by lightning.

Arthur: And there were we, blaming the lads over at the Royal Artillery.

Bill: Coming to the pen, the sheep have charged in there sharpish. No hesitation whatsoever. Very unusual.

Arthur: They're not daft. That's probably the safest place to be around here at the moment.

Bill: Rich closes the gate to finish the course.

Arthur: My goodness! Talking about finishing off the course. The bloody dog has jumped in with them. She'll lose points for that.

Bill: Oh dear! That's a very messy finish, a very messy finish indeed.

Arthur: No matter. We're expecting a downpour soon, that'll clean it up nicely.

Bill: I guess we'd better book more tables for dinner then? Treat the whole crew to a slap-up sit-down.

Arthur: Maybe not for the cameraman. Standing room only I reckon.

Bill: You're terrible Arthur. You could lose points for that.