My Thoughts on Paper

Things came to a head (couldn’t help myself) this week, and I was flush with excitement after I read J.S. Wade's ode entry. I knew I had to eliminate the ideas clogging my mind on the subject... before they rolled away from me.

Struggle #1

The stall has two silver toilet paper holders. In each, one roll is visible for use. The second roll hides at the top, ready to drop into place when needed.

Both bottom rolls were empty. Both top rolls were bashful. Angling my fingers I attempted to jimmy one loose.

Nothing.

I scrabbled the roll around and around like a feverish hamster. How the thin white stuff can seal into an invisible line I have no idea.

No break, no weakening. No end to that roll. Giving up, I started on the second. Nudging it by poking it pointedly. (OK- maybe smacking the side of the case helpfully.)

Nothing.

I snagged and tugged and succeeded in lodging it catawampus-askew and stuck. Nothing. Not gonna move. This is ridiculous. Back to the first roll and prying slivers from the edge with my thumbnail.

(Aside: I briefly contemplated the “Emergency Cardboard Tube Blotting Maneuver” but decided that was best left to the music festivals this summer. If you don't know what that is: entails pulling on the cardboard tube, like one would a refrigerated buttermilk biscuit tube that refuses to pop, and unraveling the barely pliable cardboard into a fly-paper resembling roll with which to blot one's dampened nether regions.)

I couldn’t just adjust the rolls because the silver cases were locked. Back at my desk, I considered the incongruity of locking toilet paper dispensers.

Rolls cost about ~what?~ fifty cents? So four stalls with (tops) 4 rolls per stall= $8.00 of supplies safe from thieving toilet paper skimmers. Our break stations each have about ~what?~ 8 to 12 pounds of coffee in boxes and drawers, parceled into foil packets.

Unsecured. Coffee costs about $6.00 a pound wholesale? So, conservatively, I have free access to about $60 in coffee at any one time. But $8.00 of toilet paper? Nope.

Struggle #2

Our local movie theater subscribes to the giant-hamster-wheel of toilet paper management.

One big roll is suspended in a huge upside down tape-dispenser-ish thing that is bolted to the stall wall. Paper drops out of the bottom corner closest to the door (and farthest from the throne.) These giant rolls seem to have good staying power and probably last quite a while.

To make sure people don’t use too much, though, there is an evil twist. The dispensing end of the holder is at my shin height.

To actually get any paper a person would need to ‘paper up’ before entering the stall, crouching down and pulling out a length. Because once in the stall with the door shut it’s difficult to get any paper at all.

Bending forward and bringing my face closer and then closer still to the restroom cubicle's floor (like that's an enchanting thought!) my fingertips barely tickle the end of tab of paper. Maybe an old-time backscratcher would help. (Who has one of those in a ladies room? Don’t answer that!)

With the top sealed and the only opening more than arms length and hidden from sight it’s infuriating. My guess is that they were installed as per a blueprint, with the top of the dispenser at the height the bottom should have been.

Oh, yes, and there are free refills on soda at this theater, too…. of course. I’m sure it’s just me. But it’s the little things that grate on my last nerve.

Or, maybe it’s just the last square?

Strangely enough, this is not my first musing on the subject of toilets. Did you know about this strange phenomenon?

Here’s something easier than pulling the first sheet from a fresh roll: Leave me a comment: What is your pet peeve? You know, the one that you're afraid no one else would understand? You can tell me; no one else is reading this...

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