Language Muddles

Ah! The English language! Makes you laugh, doesn’t it?

For those of us born anywhere where English is spoken, it’s hard enough to muddle through. I can’t even imagine what might go through the minds of those trying to learn it.

It definitely is a muddled puzzlement.

I’ve listed a few quandaries below for your amusement. I’m sure you can think of even more.

You’re getting dressed. You put on your SHIRT and a PAIR OF PANTS.

They are both in themselves ONE item. A SHIRT has two sleeves, but it is still called a SHIRT, but while what goes over our legs is still ONE item, it’s called A PAIR OF PANTS. Why?

Let’s jump to plurals, for a minute.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why then, is not the plural of booth, beeth?

Why if the plural of foot is feet, you don’t pluralize book as beek?

You go for a haircut? Yet, I can bet my pension that you’re not just getting ONE strand of hair cut. So then, why not call it hairs cut?

I’m still confused about the plurals of cactus, fungus, hippopotamus. Why not just add the es and be done with it? Oh, no! We had to learn a new word for each: cacti, fungi, hippopotami. Really? Talk about confusion.

Okay, let’s talk about confusion.

Here are some more plurals:

roof = rooves

hoof = hooves

And what about this one?

The plural of box is boxes.

The plural of fox is foxes.

Yet, the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

When there is more than one goose, you’ll never hear anyone say gooses. Oh no! It’s geese! And yet, there is NO plural for moose. You can see a herd of “cows” but only a herd of moose.

If the plural of house is houses, why isn’t the plural of mouse mouses? Can you imagine living in hice?

Why is the plural of man, men but the plural of pen is pens?

While I hope I have you questioning our wonderful language muddle, here are a few more weird things to ponder.

Eggplant is a very popular and tasty fruit but there is NO egg in it.

There is NO ham in a hamburger.

Neither is there PINE nor an apple is pineapple.

Sweetmeats are not meats, they are candies. Yet, sweetbreads are meat and not at all sweet.

Quicksand will never suck you in quickly. And it only pulls you down if you fight it. Your best bet is to raise one foot and try to push off with the other until you’re almost horizontal. Once you’re flat, you can easily roll off the no-so quicksand.

A boxing ring is still square.

A Guinea pig is definitely not from Guinea.

We can all agree that painters paint and teachers teach. Why then don’t grocers “groce”?

Getting back to teachers – if teachers taught, why don’t preachers “praught”?

If I’ve done ONE thing wrong, why am I making “amends” and not amend?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If peanut oil is made from peanuts, what is baby oil made from?

How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” mean the same thing, and yet, a wise man and a wise guy are different?

Why is it that when I set my alarm and it wakes me in the morning, it is said to “go off” and not “go on”?

Why are thumbs not called fingers? Every says, “I have eight fingers and two thumbs”.

How about two words that sound the same, are spelled the same but have different meanings?

For instance:

I would the bandage around the wound?

I decided to produce produce?

He can’t lead with lead feet.

I decided to present the present at the present time.

I didn’t object to that object.

Seeing a tear in the painting, brought a tear to my eye.

I guess I could keep going, but you get the drift of this article and I’m sure it’ll strike up a conversation or two.

Yes, English is a crazy language, but more and more countries are trying to master it. It will soon be the “universal” language of the world but not yet the universe.

So, while as I write this, my fingers still won’t fing!

And just a few more to drive you a little whacky today:

We call UP our friends on the phone. We use a brook to sweep UP the room.

A topic comes UP.

We lock UP the house and fix UP our car.

A secretary will write UP a report.

When the dark clouds move in, we say, “it’s clouding UP”.

We dress UP to go out.

We mess things UP.

If it doesn’t rain, things are drying UP.

And, finally, I’m at the end, so it’s time for me to SHUT UP!