Help! I Have a Crush, and I Can’t Function

Step 1: Witnessing the “Crush Epidemic”

As a kid, I thought having a crush was a disease—and my friends had it bad.

They’d giggle, whisper, and sigh dramatically over this one boy like he was the last packet of spicy noodles on Earth. Their eyes would sparkle, their voices would rise three octaves, and suddenly, nothing else mattered.

And me? Confused. Unaffected. Probably eating snacks.

I didn’t get it. I really didn’t. Why were they malfunctioning over a human being? What was so special about someone who probably still ate glue?

I felt immune. Strong. Built different.

…Until I turned thirteen.

And that’s when life humbled me.

Step 2: My First Crush, or How I Lost Basic Human Functions

New school. New classmates. New life. I walked into my classroom, completely unaware that my days as a functioning human were over.

And then I saw him.

My classmate. My downfall. The reason my social skills packed up and left.

And just like that—BOOM. SYSTEM FAILURE.

Speaking? Deleted. My voice retired early.

Eye contact? Impossible. Looking at him felt like staring directly into a solar eclipse.

Walking? Tragic. My legs forgot their job.

I couldn’t breath normally when he was near. At one point, I tried to act cool, but instead, I choked on my own saliva. Another time, I was laughing at a friend’s joke—until I realized he was standing right behind me and my laugh came out like a wheezing old man.

And because life enjoys watching me suffer, this boy had the audacity to sit right next to me.

Wanna guess what I did? Did I flirt? Start a conversation? Show basic human behavior?

Absolutely not.

I went with Plan: “Pretend I Don’t See Him.”

For an entire year.

Step 3: How My Crush Thought I Was a Terrible Person

Now, if you saw someone sitting next to you every single day who never spoke to you, never looked at you, and actively avoided breathing in your direction…

You’d think they hated you, right?

Correct.

So, naturally, my crush assumed I was cold, rude, and possibly a serial killer.

But in reality?

I was fighting for my life.

One time, I accidentally made direct eye contact for 0.0002 seconds, and my brain went into full shutdown mode. Instead of playing it cool, I immediately looked at the ceiling as if I had just spotted the meaning of life up there.

Another time, he casually said, “Hey.”

That’s it. One word. A basic human greeting.

And what did I do?

I panicked, tripped over my own foot, and nearly took down an entire row of chairs.

But on the outside?

Stone. Cold. Silence.

And that, my friends, is how I single-handedly ruined my own love story before it even started.

Step 4: The Crush Disease Is Permanent

Having a crush is a serious medical condition.

One day, you’re fine. The next?

You forget how to breathe properly.

You overanalyze every move like a detective solving a murder case.

You make eye contact for 0.0002 seconds and replay the moment for a year.

And suddenly, that one regular person becomes the most attractive human being to ever exist.

And the worst part?

I STILL HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM.

Seriously. After all these years, I still wonder what would’ve happened if I had just acted like a normal person. If I had just said hi, smiled, or acknowledged his existence instead of turning into a socially awkward statue.

So yeah. Turns out I wasn’t immune. Turns out karma came for me HARD. Turns out first crushes are a lifelong embarrassment.

So tell me...

Did your first crush turn you into an awkward, speechless disaster too? Or was that just me?

Wait… What If This Story Went to Court?

If you think this was bad, imagine if I actually put my crush on trial for "ruining my ability to function as a normal human being."

Should I take this case to court? Would you like to witness the most dramatic and unnecessary courtroom showdown ever?

Let me know—and if enough people demand justice, I’ll present the case.

🚨 Next Episode: "Your Honor, I Blame My Crush for My Social Malfunction" 🚨