Your Honor, I Blame My Crush for My Malfunction

ase No: 001 – The People vs. My First Crush

[Scene: The courtroom is so packed that people are standing in the aisles, sitting on the floor, and even peeking through the windows. The air is electric with anticipation. My lawyer organizes a stack of documents so thick they could be used as dumbbells. Meanwhile, my crush—the defendant—sits at the stand, slouched in his chair, eyebrows furrowed, mouth slightly open in confusion, looking exactly like a guy who just woke up in a parallel universe. He glances at his surroundings, trying to make sense of why an entire court of people is looking at him like he just committed high treason.]

Judge: The court is now in session. Plaintiff, state your case.

Me (standing, eyes blazing with righteous fury): Your Honor, I stand before you today as a victim. A victim of emotional distress, social malfunction, and catastrophic self-sabotage—all caused by the person sitting RIGHT THERE!

[Jury gasps. A woman grips her chair so hard the fabric rips. A man drops his phone. Someone in the back lets out a low, scandalized whistle.]

Judge (rubbing temples like they already regret waking up today): And what exactly did the defendant do?

Me (slamming my hands on the table, pointing aggressively): He existed, Your Honor.

[More gasps. A man in the front row lets out a sharp "Unbelievable." The court stenographer stops typing and mouths ‘Damn.’]

Meanwhile, my crush visibly flinches. And suddenly, he interrupts.

Crush (raising a hand, his voice laced with confusion): Okay, wait—Your Honor, I’m sorry, but WHAT?!

[His eyes dart around the courtroom, trying to find a single logical explanation for how he ended up in this nightmare.]

Judge (eyebrows raised): Defendant, you will have your chance to speak. Proceed with caution.

Crush (running a hand through his hair, his entire posture screaming “how is this my life right now?”): I don’t even know how this is a thing! How am I on trial for THIS?!

[As soon as those words leave his mouth, the temperature shifts. The lights flicker. The women in the audience turn their heads toward him in eerie unison. The men shake their heads solemnly, some of them closing their eyes like they just witnessed a terrible accident.]

Crush (looking around, growing more anxious): I mean, what did I even do?!

[A sharp, ominous thud echoes. A chair creaks. Someone in the back lets out a slow, heavy sigh, the kind reserved for massive disappointments. The air is so thick with judgement you could cut it with a butter knife]

Me (narrowing my eyes, stepping forward, voice dripping with controlled rage): You… spoke to me.

[Jury GASPS LOUDER THAN EVER. The court stenographer slaps their hands over their mouth. A woman in the front clutches her handbag like she is preparing for battle. A man buries his face in his hands.]

Crush (leaning forward, his face now a perfect mix of exasperation and utter disbelief): OH, COME ON! I said ‘Hey’! That’s it! HOW is that a crime?!

[And that’s when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.]

Women shoot up from their seats. One of them points at Crush like he just declared war. Jury members start whispering furiously. A man in the back lets out a low whistle and mutters, "He should’ve known."

Random woman in the audience (gritting her teeth, voice dark with disappointment): He doesn’t see it. He TRULY doesn’t see it.

Crush (his head whipping left and right, arms flailing in panic): SEE WHAT?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!

[A horrifying silence falls over the courtroom. The jury freezes. The court stenographer’s hands tremble. A gavel slips from the judge’s grasp, clattering onto the desk—the only perfect ASMR in the room.]

Me (speaking slowly, eyes locked onto my crush like a final boss in a video game): You mean to tell me… you had NO IDEA?

[Crush stiffens. His eyes dart around the room, looking for an escape route. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows.]

Crush (his voice cracking under the weight of impending doom): EXACTLY! How was I supposed to know?! I… I’m not a mind reader!

Me: You looked at me!

Crush: Because I have EYES.

Me: You smiled!

Crush: BECAUSE I'M A NICE, CHARMING PERSON?

Me (accusingly, stepping closer): You said...”Hey.”

[The courtroom shakes from the collective gasp. A chair tips over. Someone in the back lets out a horrified “Nooo!” like this is a dramatic soap opera. A man shakes his head and mutters "He’s done for." Someone in the back actually FAINTS.]

[Judge bangs the gravel repeatedly, but no one hears it over a chaos. The bailiff is forced to hold back three jury members. Someone throws a folder in frustration.]

Judge (slamming the gavel, voice cracking): ORDER! RECESS! WE NEED A RECESS!

[Security rushes in. The audience descends into chaos. Jury members argue with each other. My crush buries his face in his hands. Meanwhile, I calmly sip water, victorious.]

Crush (muttering under his breath, running a hand down his face): What the hell is happening…?

Me (smirking, adjusting my sleeves): You said ‘Hey.’

[Crush glares. I smile. The audience eats it up like a reality show finale.]

[The court resumes and my lawyer ready to launch the last weapon...]

Lawyer (stepping forward, smoothing out their suit): Ladies and gentlemen of the jury… you have seen the destruction. You have FELT the secondhand embarrassment. You have WITNESSED the horror.

[Jury nods gravely. One man sniffs and whispers, "Stay strong."]

A single ‘Hey’—an innocent-sounding word—was dropped like an atomic bomb onto my client’s existence.

And what did my client receive in return? The loss of speech. The loss of motor skills. The loss… of dignity.

[Jury members clutch their hearts. The judge exhales heavily, done with everyone.]

There is only ONE choice—the RIGHT choice. Deliver justice, and let us all sleep better at night.

[Jury ERUPTS. Crush looks around, eyes wide. He can already sense the betrayal coming.]

Judge (sighing, barely able to look at Crush): The jury has spoken. The court finds the defendant… GUILTY.

[Crush’s JAW DROPS.]

Crush (practically falling out of his chair, pointing at me in disbelief): ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Me (casually adjusting my sleeves, smirking): Justice has been served.

[CASE CLOSED. COURT ADJOURNED. THE INTERNET EXPLODES.]

To all the unknown crushes out there, consider yourselves safe—for now. This happened in a story, but imagine if it were real?

At this very moment, governments worldwide would be drafting laws to enforce compulsory education on how to spot someone who has a crush on you. Schools would introduce Crush Awareness 101, and workplaces would hold monthly training sessions on "How Not to End Up in Court for Being Oblivious."

As for what happened to me and my crush after the court verdict…

I’d tell you, but honestly? I don’t know.

Maybe he filed for an appeal. Maybe I moved on. Maybe we locked eyes one final time before dramatically walking in opposite directions, never to cross paths again.

Or maybe—just maybe—he finally learned how to spot a crush.

I’ll let you imagine the ending yourself.