From the Frontline at the Tomatina Festival in Buñol

TV Anchorman: We interrupt this programme to bring you an urgent Newsflash. Dramatic events are taking place over in Spain in the city of Buñol near Valencia. We hear that it's absolute bedlam there and things are moving very quickly. We have a man on the ground right now, our European Correspondent Dan Gunsam. Hello Dan. Tell us what's going on.

Dan Gunsam: Hi there John. Yeah, all hell has broken loose in this place. It's been building up for days, weeks even, like a simmering pot of gazpucho. Something that's been highly anticipated and expected to blow up at any time.

John: What happened exactly?

Dan: The annual Tomatina Festival. That's what's happened. It's erupted.

John: Can you describe the scene.

Dan: I'm here in the main square and there's been lots of incoming from all directions. The ground is splattered with exploded fragments of tomato peel and everything is stained a citric red. People are running around like headless chickens not knowing what's coming next. They're covered from head to toe in the stuff. This is human ragu.

John: And this isn't a Civil War is it Dan?

Dan: No! Not at all. There are factions and irregulars from all over Europe, especially economy class fliers and backpackers carrying munitions. The German Blitzkreig opened up an hour ago launching huge Ochsenhertzen, those bulky beefsteaks sure do pack a punch. The French are chucking around stuffed Bresson Rouge and God knows what they've put in them, the smell is atrocious. Meanwhile, such is the disorganised chaos, the Italians don't know which side to switch to.

John: Is there no sense of order possible to calm this situation?

Dan: There doesn't seem to be any real rules of engagement, not even EU directives in size, weight and dimension. I've seen elongated 'Tomatos de Pera' flying through the air.

John: Have you managed to speak to anyone there yet?

Dan: Yeah! I've spoken with the Town Mayor Signor Javier de Picques Incensio who was on the ground, literally on the ground, after a targeted barrage of Heuvos de Toro.

John: Tell me that's not what I think it is.

Dan: Don't worry, the beasts still have their cojones intact. No, these are Bulls Egg tomatoes, firm but juicy and great on some light toast with a sprinkling of salt and a dash of oil.

John: Sounds tasty.

Dan: Yeah, but not when you have a couple of hundredweight piled on top of you.

Mayor: Fueron esos malditos granjeros otra vez. Odio a esos bastardos! BASTARDOS!

Dan: In English please? Though I catch your drift man.

Mayor: These farmers and their bloody kids, they hit me every time, every year. I hate them! I hate them! They hate me and I hate them.

Dan: That's sure a lot of hate.

Mayor: I hate them! I hate them all!

Dan: Yeah, we get the picture amigo.

Mayor: My beautiful town is Communist Red, the streets, the Plaza, all of it, it's bloody Communism!

Dan: Well, OK, thanks for the in-depth political commentary Mayor.

Mayor: Franco stopped all this you know? Franco stopped this in the 1950s. Bring back Franco, I say, bring back 'El General'. We need some fascism to sort out these peasants.

Dan: OK, OK. But for now perhaps a quick shower and change of ceremonial robes would be a good idea. Or maybe a raincoat and scooter helmet.

Mayor: Bastardos! Bastardos!

John: I'm glad we have you there Dan, you paint a clear picture of the scene.

Dan: No problem. I tell you though, even that guy Picasso couldn't do a bigger mess than this. It really is ......Oh Oh!

John: What is it Dan?

Dan: There's a commotion over in the corner, lots of folk streaming into the square, lots of shouting.

John: What are they saying?

Dan: Hard to make out, something like "Larouse Vienna" or something, I dunno. Hold on, I got it. They're shouting "Los rusos vienen! Los rusos vienen!"

John: What does that mean?

Dan: The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!