Dating Profile

Screw it, nothing else is working.

Steven, 27

All I want is to make soup for a beautiful woman and have her tell me that the soup is good and that I am very good at making soup.

Yes. Perfect. Except maybe it comes on a little strong and desperate. Okay. Let's give it another shot.

I don't have much time. My great-grandfather made a deal with a spellcaster in 1915 in exchange for safe passage to the Americas and now she has trapped me inside this website. I need you to find a man named Hieronymus Glickman, steal the amulet from around his neck, and-

Okay, that one got away from you. Alright. One more time.

Dating apps annoy me. They are the norm, very much against my better desires, and we are worse off for it. Why cannot I simply reunite with an old flame from grade school that I've known and grown up with for 20 years, but she moved to the big city, and I moved to another big city, and she comes back home for the holidays, and I have to teach her the true meaning of Christmas? And then all of a sudden, the career she has built for herself in the last decade and the fiancé she has lived with for at least a couple of years are meaningless in the face of true love, and- I digress. Like most of you, I find it difficult to condense the full complexity of my human person to 500 characters in a dating app's bio section. Even if I do, there's no guarantee anyone's ever going to read that anyway. So, I figure, I may as well farm some engagement of it while you all flip thoughtfully through story after story on this website. Plus I have more room to write about my favorite topic in the whole wide world: Myself. (Hoo boy. That's a red flag if I've ever seen one.)

So anyway, I'm Steven. 5'10'' (okay, 5'9.5''), American, living in the Czech Republic. I have a Master's Degree in Theatre, which I use every day by, uh, teaching English to kindergarteners. I'm a playwright, prosewright, aspiring ornamental garden hermit, future ghost of a drowned hobo, and my dream job is "carnival barker who instead of guessing your weight or height, instead guesses when or where you are going to die." In any case-

It's getting away from you again, Steven.

I guess what I'm looking for in a relationship is a creative collaborator, maybe even a co-conspirator. I'm looking for someone to be in cahoots with, because the greatest joy in life is hatching up hare-brained schemes with someone pretty. I get up to a lot of trouble by myself. Imagine how much trouble we could get in together. Hell, one time, I convinced the Slovenian delegation to Kyiv that I was an American Poet Laureate, and-

You're getting off topic.

I think my strongest quality is how comfortable lesbians are around me. Several of my exes turned out to be-

Next topic.

For a play in 2019, I had to learn an old Cornwall accent, and I liked it too much, so now my inner monologue sounds like a Medieval peasant. Whenever I get even a little peeved, I just hear in my head, "Yer talkin' mad shite for a man within crusadin' distance." And then I forget what I was mad about and wonder if I will ever be free from this curse-

Maybe veer more towards your goals, Steven.

Yeah, so, anyway, I'm saving up to buy a Medieval castle in Europe, and I want to renovate it into a writer's retreat for friends and university students. I'm also kind of poor, though, so for now my short-term goals are a little more realistic. I want to write a play so good it causes society to like theatre again. We used to be a proper society, you know. It wasn't even 100 years ago, people used to riot at the theatre if the play had an ending they didn't like and/or liked a little too much. I think I want to write theatre that causes riots. In a metaphorical sense. Not a literal sense. Though maybe a literal sense if the riots are really, really cool.

Hey, why don't you include some pictures?

Yeah, um. Sure thing.

This is me at the Alchemical Museum in Prague. As you can tell, I fit right in. I don't know the other guy in this shot, though.

This is me dying of heatstroke on the Acropolis in Athens. It was 110 degrees that day, and I wore a button-down and blue jeans because I am not smart.

Oh! Um. You weren't supposed to see this one.

Did you know the Bronze Bull on Wall Street has anatomically correct testicles? My friends say this is the happiest I've ever looked-

That's enough pictures. You need to end strong, Steven.

Yeah, uh, in any case. I'm single. And, I don't know, maybe you'll skip over this dating profile as well. Maybe you're married, or a man. (Sorry, gentlemen, but despite all vibes I give off, I am comfortably heterosexual-ish.) Maybe you're nowhere near me. Maybe you find my personality and general appearance absolutely unappealing. But, hey, you read this bio, and it netted me a shiny ha'penny, so who's the real winner here?

You can interact more with me on Instagram, @mcknight.theatre

Alternatively, you can light a candle in a dark bathroom, gaze into the mirror, say my name three times, and- Okay, I've overstayed my welcome.