Countryfile: Jeremy Clarkson Interviews Farmer Gates

Jeremy Clarkson: Welcome everyone to our weekly episode of 'Countryfile' here on the BBC with me Jeremy Clarkson. This week we're chatting to a very successful 'Man of the Earth'. He's Farmer Bill Gates. Welcome Bill, welcome to our show.

Bill Gates: Welcome to my land.

Clarkson: And a very big land it is, very big indeed. We enjoyed the drive here in our rented 7th Generation Dodge Charger. With extra screen visibility we took in lots of the scenery. Great car with increased performance from it's 3.6 Litre engine. It produces 292 horse power, not to mention a marvellous 5-speed A580 automatic transmission. And enough interior space and leg room to frolic joyously with an over-excited milkmaid in heat.

Gates: Has the interview started?

Clarkson: No, not quite. Sorry, wrong programme. Pie in the face time again. But looking around I can't even see the boundaries of your farm. How far does it stretch in that direction for example? It must be a few miles.

Gates: Yeah! About a thousand.

Clarkson: A thousand?

Gates: Yep! And that's miles of course, not kilometres.

Clarkson: Sure! No Common Agricultural Policy here. I guess the only brussels in these parts are for the dinner table. So where exactly is the boundary?

Gates: The Eastern Seaboard.

Clarkson: Really?

Gates: Yes, but we had to stop there. Beyond that it gets kinda wet.

Clarkson: Astonishing! And how far in the other direction?

Gates: Oh! A couple of thou'

Clarkson: I see, right to the .......

Gates: Western Seaboard. Yes.

Clarkson: Wow! So your farm is absolutely huge. What's it called?

Gates: The United States of America.

Clarkson: A country farm?

Gates: Indeed.

Clarkson: You'd need a fast tractor to get around that. Even a JCB 4000 series Fastrac would struggle, despite its 335 horse power and maximum torque of up to 1,450 newtons achieving speeds of around 72 kilometres an hour. Faster performance for a love-hungry farmhand shepherding his randy ewes for a springtime tryst.

Gates: A Gulfstream G650 does a much quicker job.

Clarkson: With randy ewes?

Gates: With getting around my farm.

Clarkson: Nice! A private jet. But doesn't plough so well I suppose.

Gates: It ploughs through the clouds pretty quick.

Clarkson: Not your own clouds I hope, but that's another story. I'm sure you offset the old carbon-credits when you're bringing in the herd.

Gates: Yes, we have a lot of cattle.

Clarkson: On that subject are you worried about all the viruses that can float around like bird flu, bovine flu, foot and mouth and such like?

Gates: Not so much. Our cows are fully vaccinated.

Clarkson: Yes?

Gates: Yeah! We just inject them right under the skin. We just shoot those needles straight into their ......

Clarkson: Arse!

Gates: Neck!

Clarkson: Oh sorry, I thought it was the arse.

Gates: Ass!

Clarkson: Knees and Boomps a Daisy. But what about your chickens, how are they doing?

Gates: Well, we had to depopulate those by a few million.

Clarkson: Very sad, and there's a knock-on effect of that. I couldn't afford the eggs benedict this morning courtesy of the BBC budget.

Gates: I have my own eggs so luckily I don't have to be concerned about that.

Clarkson: You say 'concerned', what do you mean by that?

Gates: You don't know what 'concerned' means?

Clarkson: In what way do you mean 'concerned' exactly?

Gates: You know! Kinda worried, anxious, apprehensive with a sense of trepidation or maybe even foreboding.

Clarkson: Ah Ha! So you DO know what it bloody means.

Gates: I don't know what you mean.

Clarkson: Doesn't matter. So what's next on the horizon?

Gates: I can't see the horizon. But I know I had trouble with holes in my fence.

Clarkson: Me too, at Diddly Squat.

Gates: Diddly what?

Clarkson: 'Diddly Squat', my farm, cos that's all we got at harvest time. And foxes were a real pest getting through the gaps.

Gates: Me too. I got all sorts coming in.

Clarkson: Of course, let me guess, in that direction it's ......

Gates: Yes, the Mexican Border.