Coke Fingernail

This story was originally published on Medium.

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Michelle, Brandon, and Cliff are all having a hushed conversation. Denise enters the room and they quiet.

Denise: What are you guys talking about?

Cliff: Nothing, not you.

Denise: You guys are talking about the guy I’ve been seeing, aren’t you?

Cliff: We’re not talking about you.

Awkward silence.

Michelle: Okay! Yes, we are!

Brandon: Way to cave, Michelle!

Michelle: She has to know, Brandon!

Denise: I have to know what?

The silence has become more awkward.

Michelle: Denise, I hate to tell you… that guy you’ve been seeing… he’s got a coke fingernail.

Denise: A coke fingernail?

Michelle: Yeah. The one pinky finger… the fingernail… it’s longer than the rest… considerably. It’s a coke fingernail.

Denise: Oh yeah, I’ve noticed that, but it doesn’t mean he does coke.

Michelle: True. It doesn’t. But none of the options are good.

Denise: None of them?

Denise sits down.

Michelle: Okay, option one, he has a coke fingernail so he can more easily do coke, maybe he even deals it.

Denise: Right. And if that’s the case, I break it off. That’s just a thing of mine, just something I have a strong opinion on, something I don’t like.

Cliff: Yeah, I think that’s a common enough opinion.

Denise: But it doesn’t mean he does coke, just because he has a coke fingernail.

Michelle: Correct. But the other options, they might be worse.

Denise is shocked.

Michelle: Option number two, he has the coke fingernail but he doesn’t do coke. But he knows he has a coke fingernail and he purposely has the coke fingernail because he thinks it looks cool to appear as if he is someone who does coke, even though he doesn’t.

Denise: Oh yuck, that is worse.

Michelle: Option number three, he has the coke fingernail, he doesn’t do coke, but he also doesn’t know what a coke fingernail is. He has seen it before and thinks it looks cool, but he has no idea what it symbolizes. He is oblivious.

Denise: Like some sort of idiot?

Brandon: Like some sort of idiot!

Denise: That might be the worst option yet!

Michelle: I don’t know. Option four may be the worst of them all.

Denise’s eyes nearly pop out of her skull like two champagne corks.

Michelle: Option number four, he has the coke fingernail, he doesn’t do coke, he doesn’t know what the coke fingernail is, he doesn’t even think that it looks cool. He is just lazy. He trims his fingernails but continuously gives up after having completed nine of them. He never has the effort to finish all 10. He is lazy, Denise. He can never give you 100%. His best is giving you 90%.

Denise: Oh yuck! And how hard is it to do the 10th finger after having done nine? I mean, come on!

Michelle: I know. It’s bad. And those are the only four options if you see someone with a coke fingernail. And none of the options for why they have the coke fingernail is good.

Denise thinks for a moment.

Denise: Yeah, honestly, now I’m hoping he does coke because that’s got to be the best of all the possibilities.

Brandon: Totally agree.

Denise: Alright, well, I am off. I’m going to meet him down the street actually. I’m going to ask him if he does coke. Fingers crossed he does coke you guys!

Brandon and Cliff cross their fingers for Denise.

Cliff: We’ll be praying that he does coke for you, Denise!

Denise leaves.

Brandon: Poor Denise. She can’t catch a break.

Cliff: I know. If only the guy did coke.

Brandon: Maybe he still does! We don’t know!

Cliff: Come on. What are the chances of that? She is never with a guy who does coke!

Brandon: If only she could just meet a nice cokehead.

Cliff: I know. Some day. We’ll keep her in our thoughts.

Brandon: I’m going to light a prayer candle for her right now.

Cliff: Can I get in on that prayer?

Brandon: Absolutely. Michelle, you want in on this prayer?

Michelle: You guys are morons.

Cliff and Brandon prayed that night… and every night for months and months… that Denise would meet a nice cokehead. Their prayers were never answered. Instead, Denise had to settle for a clean-nosed man with his fingernails trimmed evenly and a regular 9–5 job.

Yuck!

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