Celebrity Robot Camel Race at the King Abdulaziz Festival

In the commentary box are Brett Lubin and Jack Splutter ready for today's special celebrity charity race here in the Arab state of Saudi Arabia at the celebrated King Abdulaziz Camel Festival.

Brett: We'll be starting in a few minutes folks for this unique event today. The droids have mounted their beasts in the paddock. It's a fantastic idea to raise money for charity.

Jack: And it's a hot, hot day as well. I hope none of the competitors get their circuits melted in this heat. Thank God for the air-con in here.

Brett: Of course, but before the introduction of small robots they once used children for these camel races. Much lighter than full-grown adult jockeys though it was much easier for the kids to fall off too. All those broken bones started getting the sport a bad name.

Jack: Bad for sponsorship.

Brett: And the kidnappings.

Jack: The Networks didn't like that either.

Brett: And the Child slave labor camps which .......

Jack: Wow! Look at that!

Brett: Look at what?

Jack: The sand. Wow! There's loads of it, I mean it's everywhere around here.

Brett: Desert regions tend to have that.

Jack: I think the race is almost ready to start.

Brett: OK, right! So, moving on, let's look at the field. Jack, we've got seven in the race today.

Jack: Yeah! And even a big 'Star Wars' derby into the bargain with R2-D2, BB-8 and BB-9E all up against each other.

Brett: 9E is lucky to be here isn't he?

Jack: A controversial dude he is indeed. The 'Inter-Galactic Squarehead' as he's been called, has not been popular among the racing world. There were strong accusations of cheating which recently got him a suspension pending investigation. But eventually they couldn't really prove he'd used his electric shock prod during a race.

Brett: But he did burn the backside off a camel.

Jack: Sure, but as they said, that could have been just an accident. Faulty booster rockets apparently. Who knows?

Brett: What about V.I.N.C.E.N.T? Do you think he'll show any improvement today?

Jack: In my opinion, not really. He almost went down a Black Hole once and I think his camel-riding career is going the same way.

Brett: And how about the remainder of the field?

Jack: Well, K-9 could be a dark horse, or dog, as the case may be. Unusual to see an electronic pooch riding a camel. Not well known in the USA. I don't think Dr Who took off real well back home.

Brett: And Twiki?

Jack: He has a strong advantage, that's for certain. He's got legs, which will sure help him stay on at least. He could be in the running.

Brett: And Wall-E has had problems.

Jack: Yeah, at the weigh-in they found he was over again. His belly was jam-packed full of all the junk he'd picked up in the car park. I guess the little fella is just programmed that way. Old habits die hard.

Brett: And he's made a promise to the punters.

Jack: That's right. He says if he doesn't win the race then he'll go back on the track and shovel up the camel dung.

Brett: So, what's the latest odds as the droids start heading for the starting post?

Jack: Twiki is the hot favourite at 5 -4 and coming behind him are R2-D2 at 2 -1, BB-8 at 7-2, Wall-E is good value at 4-1, K-9 is kinda long at 7-1 and poor old V.I.N.C.E.N.T is way back at 20-1. But the big surprise is that BB-9E is out there at 25-1. Rumours are flying he's interfered with the electronics at the bookies to inflate those odds. Could be someone is putting a big wad on that somewhere.

Brett: I'm sure there'll be a probe.

Jack: Nope. No probes competing today.

Brett: Never mind, keep checking out that sand. But it looks like they're ready to go.

Jack: Yes, and they're off!

Brett: Here we go. R2-D2 and BB-8 shoot out first and they're neck and neck leading the pack. No blinkers on cos' they've got swivel heads. Wall-E is running them a close third.

Jack: He's using his extendable arms.

Brett: So he is, and he's slapping the rump of that camel for good measure. That sure gives him an edge over the rest of the field, though I'm not sure it's in the rules. Twiki and K-9 are holding on behind the front three, but wait! K-9 has hauled up suddenly, right next to that pole.

Jack: I guess he's instinctively wired for that. But it's kinda taking the doggy authenticity a bit too far don't you think?

Brett: All I know is he'll never catch up after that, he's way too far behind.

Jack: Talking of behinds, Wall-E is gaining on the leaders. That poor camel has got an ass like a baboon.

Brett: Here comes BB-9E! He's fast, he's furious. coming through at an incredible rate. Where did he find that amazing burst of speed?

Jack: Twiki is sneaking through too on the outside. Has he got the pace?

Brett: As well as using the whip he's kicking those little robot heels into the camel's hide. But it's BB-9E pulling away from the pack and gaining even more speed. He's taking the lead now, he's moving way ahead. Can he be caught?

Jack: I doubt it, looks like it's all over bar the shouting.

Brett: Into the final furlong. BB-9E is streets ahead of the others, out on his own and still he's stretching his lead. He comes to the finishing line and ...... he's the winner!

Jack: Outright man. I've never seen anything like it.

Brett: And far, far behind comes R2-D2 with Twiki in third followed by Wall-E and then BB-8. Poor old V.I.N.C.E.N.T. crawls in at the end and there's no sign of K-9 anywhere.

Jack: Too many poles.

Brett: Hold on folks! I hear there might be a Stewards Enquiry being called for. Apparently protests about the result from the Star Wars crew. Looking through my binoculars I see BB-9E is in the winners enclosure surrounded by some angry looking mech droids. And what's this? Is that smoke I see coming out of the winning camel? Don't tell me BB-9E has tried the booster trick once again?

Jack: No, it's even worse Brett. That's no camel, that's a droid.

Brett: You're kidding? No wonder that squareheaded son of a bitch won so easily. He was riding a robot!

Jack: Far out!

Brett: Well Jack! Have you ever heard of such dirty work on a racetrack?

Jack: I dunno. Ask little Wall-E out there. He's right on the job.