Carry On: S1 E5 • The Nerve

FADE IN

INT. US AIR FORCE COLONEL HALVERIN CROMPTON’S OFFICE – DAY

MAJOR FINNEY crosses his legs. He looks the colonel in the eye. CROMPTON returns the gaze.

CROMPTON

Here we have the new roll out of the management. Since there are no chaplains anymore supplied by the Air Force, our capabilities will be brought down on your shop.

FINNEY

Sir, the time––

CROMPTON

The time has come for us to further understand our best way of figuring out this whole plan. With all the changes that have already been taking place, we just have to adjust to this one. Yes, I’m a believer. I know that you’re not.

FINNEY

No, sir.

CROMPTON

So, that’s what it is. There are going to be families who will want to have some kind of spiritual leader to help facilitate that grief they feel. God knows they need it.

FINNEY

Yes, sir.

CROMPTON

So go out there, Finney. Be the one.

FINNEY rises from his seat and stands at attention.

CROMPTON

Get out of here.

INT. FINNEY’S OFFICE - DAY

FINNEY takes time to organize some papers. A knock at the door.

FINNEY

Enter!

BARTHOLOMEW enters with a digital form.

Good morning, sir. I have more pages for you to sign.

FINNEY [deflated]

Thanks.

BARTHOLOMEW notices the tone in the major’s voice.

BARTHOLOMEW

I didn’t mean to bring you down, sir. I could go.

FINNEY

It’s not you. It’s––never mind.

BARTHOLOMEW

Okay!

BARTHOLOMEW whisks out of the office.

SUCHIN enters. She stares down BARTHOLOMEW as he exits.

SUCHIN

Good morning, ma’am? Some shit?

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course. My mistake.

SUCHIN

Let’s not let it happen again, staff sergeant.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, ma’am. I’ll be sure to encounter you with the proper greeting of the day, ma’am. Enjoy your day, ma’am.

SUCHIN slightly lunges at BARTHOLOMEW. She then allows him to pass. Once he leaves, she enters FINNEY’S office.

SUCHIN

The nerve. The nerve. Anyway, what did the fullbird have to say to you? Let me guess…we’re going to be getting golden boxes instead of the silver ones.

FINNEY flashes a face of consternation. He clasps his hands together over his desk.

FINNEY

It’s nothing. Really. I just have to comply with the orders of both our Commandant and the top brass on this base.

SUCHIN

Fun, fun, fun.

FINNEY

Yeah, it’s going to be fun. When I have to explain to these families that there’s no spiritual guide, no mystic to help guide their loved one to paradise, that’s going to be the highlight of my career right there.

SUCHIN

Just tell them the Air Force can’t send in their squadron of fantastic angels. And the Blue Angels are primarily for airshows. That’ll comfort them.

FINNEY [slightly grinning]

You know it just might have to do that. I mean what is the sense in an atheist telling believers they can’t be consoled by the unknown and unknowable? Does that make any sense at all?

SUCHIN shakes her head, no.

If I were you, my friend, I would definitely bring all of the drama from the Air Force and just tell them to get a private priest or minister or whatever.

FINNEY

I’ll figure something out. What have you got going on in your shop?

SUCHIN

Oh, you know filing an order for a medal for a paper cut, clearing a jammed printer, trying to keep the Marines from blowing their brains out on town.

FINNEY

Jesus Christ! I’m only going to ask you what you want for lunch today. I’m already feeling low. Don’t take me six feet under.

SUCHIN

I’m just giving you what is needed: dark levity.

FADE OUT