Bad Interview Advice

A friend of mine recently applied to work in the same industry as me, and made the mistake of telling me this on a quiet night shift after I had partaken in very little sleep. The resultant advice I offered him can be seen below:

Often to see how well you handle pressure, the management will elect to have a parrot in the room during the interview, who will usually have been specially trained to use a combination of offensive racial humour and throwing lit cigarettes at you to try to distract you.

If they ask you why you want to work for a bakery tell them you have always found bread very sexually arousing so that they know you are serious. But reassure them that you are a master of edging and so won’t contaminate any bread during your shifts.

Instead of arriving in a car or walking (boring) arrive on a horse or cow. They won’t be expecting this and you can also get free milk from the cow if you get thirsty on the way. Horse tits produce milk as well but they are more likely to kick you in the head and give you a fractured skull which may hamper your performance in the interview.

If at any point the interviewer leaves to use the toilet, tell them you need to go as well, and when you get there slam their head into a urinal or wall, then stand over them and wee on them. This display of dominance will impress them and they will probably not only hire you, but promote you instantly as well.

If the interviewer asks if you have any relevant experience to the role, reply with: "I’ve been doing jobs like this since you were at your mother's tit lad, show a bit of bloody respect." Then proceed to give them a clip around the ear for extra effect.

Casually ask the interviewer what car they drive during the interview, then if it doesn’t go well swipe their car keys on your way out and put them down a drain or take them home with you. Alternatively pick the door lock to their car and gently place a wasp’s nest under the driver’s seat to give them a surprise on the way home.

Before the interview draw a picture of two stickmen holding hands and smiling, and maybe holding balloons as well, and tell the interviewer that the drawing could be you and him in the future if he gives you the job.

A good way to make sure the interviewer remembers you above the other candidates is to bring with you a signed and framed picture of you as a gift. Full nudity in the picture is not appropriate for the workplace but a cheeky smile and a bit of nipple or arse cheek is fine.

If you happen to see any of the other candidates that have applied to the job while you are waiting for your interview, attempt to wrestle them immediately. Subduing them will show the interviewer that you are the strongest candidate.

If they ask you what time you would like to schedule an interview, pick the earliest one possible, then when the interview starts ask for a glass of water. When the interviewer leaves the room find the other applicants CVs on his desk and either draw cocks all over them or scrunch them up and swallow them like a snake leaving only your own CV untouched.

Towards the end of the interview when they ask if you have any questions, look down at the interviewer’s shoes and say: "Yeah one question, where did you get the shoes? I had a pair just like that stolen recently, and the bloke who nicked them looked a lot like you. I think I’d better have them back before we have to get the police involved." Then steal the shoes and leave.

If the interviewer asks the question; "Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?" The correct answer is to reply: "I’ll be doing your job, and living in your house with your wife as well. You’ll be homeless on the streets, or maybe dead."

One good way to stand out from the other candidates is to mark your territory in the interview room, a quick piss into a draw will usually do the trick, or if you really want to impress, shit into a paper shredder or into the machinery of a printer.

To tip the odds in your favour in case the company has some sort of nonsense diversity policy, tell them you are trans, a Muslim, and a wheelchair user so that you tick all the boxes.

If they ask you what your strengths and weaknesses are, remember not to tell them the truth. In your case, main strengths: looks quite a bit like a Viking, bystanders can tell which way the wind is blowing due to your long hair and beard. Weaknesses: bestiality addiction, thievery, arsonist, flat earther, not as good at sailing as your appearance might suggest.

A good way to show initiative when you first arrive is to refuse to sign in at reception, tell them you know where you’re going and wander inside opening random doors until you find the department you are being interviewed by.

If the interviewer asks what relevant skills you have to the role, simply say: "Stand back and I’ll show you!" Then perform a spontaneous breakdancing display with beatboxing. To make this extra effective wear MC hammer baggy silk trousers to the interview.

If they offer to show you around the facility as part of the interview, remember to always do the classic practical joke of tripping up the interviewing manager in front of the workers. This will show that you are a charismatic man of the people.

Take a stapler with you and keep it in your pocket, if the questions get difficult reach under the table and staple the interviewer in the leg to give yourself more time.

Similarly, when faced with a tricky question you do not know the answer to, quickly look to the side, shout: "What was that?" and point out of a nearby window. While the interviewer is distracted flip the table towards them, preferably so the edge of the table hits them in the teeth. You can claim this was caused by an earthquake, and it should give you plenty of time to think of an answer.

Another common distraction tactic is to rip a urinal off the wall in the bathroom and throw it through a window onto the company car of one of the senior managers. This will distract everyone for long enough for you to steal several items of stationary and maybe an office chair if you decide the job isn't for you. This way you didn't entirely waste your time in turning up.

If you get the chance, go into the interview room before the interviewer, sit in their chair and put your feet up on their desk, preferably while wearing cowboy boots, covered in excrement if possible. When they ask you what you are doing just reply that you will be asking the questions around here, followed by: "First question, when do I fucking start?"

Make sure you enter the interview room first and snap off one of the legs to the interviewers chair before he sits down. When the interviewer falls backwards and hits their head against the wall stand up and shout: "This is outrageous! I demand you give me the job immediately after such a disgraceful display!"

When leaving the interview, turn to the interviewer and say: "Tell your nan I said hi!". Then wink to insinuate that you have interfered with their grandmother sexually. If they reply with something like: "My grandmother has been dead for years." Simply lick your lips and say: "Oh I know, I know."