Apply Here for Your Identity

Terms and Conditions for Reading This Web Page

By opening this web page, you acknowledge and agree to the terms and conditions outlined below.

Definitions

These terms and conditions (hereafter referred to as “terms and conditions”) constitute a contract between you (“you”) and us (“Sir”).

Jurisdiction

For legal purposes, this contract shall be governed by the Laws of Canasta.

Privacy Policy

The information you share may be used, at our discretion, or not, by other government departments, other governments, carefully selected intelligence organisations, local councils, the Post Office, your neighbours, friends, colleagues, business partners, and lovers. Additionally, in times of National Emergency, we may publish newspaper advertisements featuring a photograph of you as a child with a caption such as: “Member of the Axis of Evil” or “Escaped Loony.”

Welcome

Before you read the following six million pages of the Condensed Guide to Living in the UK, you are required to apply for the D05513r National Identity Card. You are free to fill in the full 127-page form at your leisure, your discretion, or within 1 calendar afternoon, whichever is the sooner.

These forms form a new updated form that reflects the important new improvements we have made to the scheme that were deemed to be necessary in order to overturn the old important new improvements we introduced last year.

What’s it all about, then?

• Insofarasisappropriate, notwithstanding exceptional and extenuating circumstances, the legal text that accompanies this form may consist of deeply obfuscatory compound Latin and portmanteau legalese pretend-word constructions designed to develop antagonistic neuralgia leading to weeks of nagging and unsatisfactory sleep.
• Herethereandeverywhereinafter, you are advised to instruct a solicitor before you sign, or to take the advice of a suitably qualified professional, such as a friend of your sister who knew someone who was once followed home by a prowling member of the judiciary and, therefore, has an inkling of “how these things work”.

Where do I start?

• Please fill in the form carefully using black ink, block capitals and, except where indicated otherwise, an adult mental perspective uncluttered by your inner-fucking-child.
• Fill in the form fully. If there is anything that you are not sure whether you should tell us, such as a deviant sexual fetish, membership of an underground organization or participation in a folk dancing society, please make a note of it on a separate sheet and mark your application “For the attention of the Arresting Officer”.

What if I don’t tell you everything?

• Failure to divulge information could lead to officially sanctioned harassment, legitimate paranoia and arrest that may, in turn, lead to imprisonment and compulsory viewing of Open University programmes. In certain rare cases, imprisonment can lead to a chronic mental disfigurement such as a BA (Hons) in Town Planning or Psychology, as well as a degree of non-consensual buggery.

What if I don’t understand?

• DoSS is committed to serving the community, so if you find these forms difficult in any way, just call our Intelligence Impairment Unit and arrange a home visit, during which you will be spoken to in a loud, insistent voice and patiently stripped of your dignity.

What if I want to appeal?

• Your request will be reviewed by a panel of spiteful paper-pushing automatons, while your benefits are withdrawn and members of your family are followed home,possibly by a prowling member of the judiciary. Your statutory rights are not effective.

What are the benefits?

• Once issued, your ID card entitles you to full membership of Britain, including a full British Identity™.
• The British Identity is one of the most sought-after status symbols of the modern age. A veritable Rolls-Royce among inferior patriotic fixations, just being British equips you to stroll confidently around the world with a certain amount of overbearing gravitas and self-importance.

Turn the monitor over to begin right away.

Inspired by my book Britain: What a State

Now available as an expanded ebook on Amazon for £8 or for free through Kindle Unlimited