An Urgent Security Alert!

The British National Department of Social Scrutiny released two new infoganda leaflets this afternoon with regards to the ongoing crisis which is completely under control. Again.

The first is a guide to the new Peril Level Alert Service which will take over from and offer perspective and precision over the previous system, in which the UK had been in Code Orange Ocelot [COO] for the last 25 years.

Seeking to refine and reformulate COO, the new Peril Level Alert Service gives further detail and examples of specific threats, all of which are going rather swimmingly. Nothing to worry about. No, Wait!

Never mind… scrap that, everything is fine, carry on.

Part of the British National Department of Social Scrutiny’s response to the unfolding new normal — where everything continues to remain completely under control — is to issue information on protecting your biometric data.

You carry your biometric data around with you all the time, which is why it is essential that you must look after it at all times. To lessen your risk of identity thieves stealing biometric markers, such as thumb prints, eyeballs, your face or the mass spectrometry of your general odour, it is recommended you keep these at home.

Further advice is contained within the leaflet stapled to this web page.

Why should I be very scared?

Keeping your personal data, including your biometric information, secure is one of the greatest challenges of our times and the Identity Card Unit (the ICU) of the Department of Social Scrutiny values your personal information above everything else.

For example; every day in the UK thousands of people carelessly leave their biometric data all over the place, willy-nilly. A microscopic bolus of phlegm arcing in the evening light here, an uncontrollable spontaneous ejaculation in a supermarket there, it happens all the time. It is unavoidable that, eventually, your biometric profile will fall into the hands of an opportunistic malcontent. A villain with a multi-million pound genetics laboratory at his disposal who will then be able to re-create an evil version of you that will rob banks and generally get up to no good in your name.

There’s a very real outside possibility that scientists may one day perhaps discover that this won’t be laughably implausible five thousand years in the future. And that’s a very real concern.

Which is why the Government must introduce Identity Cards, collect swabs of your spittle, scan your irises and generally oppress you in a very matter-of-fact way.

So look after your biometrics: Give them to us. We know what to do with them

We interrupt your perusal of this urgent security alert, to bring you a further urgent security alert.

Code Red Ocelot Alert

Introduction

by Sir Edward Bicycle, MP, QC, KFC, DFS

The government's robust attitude to the Combined Forces of Evil hasn't all been a bed of roses, you know.

In our war against these forces, we have inevitably upset some people along the way and now they would like to kill you in ways too painful to explain at length in this short pamphlet.

This may seem unreasonable at first, but you will soon get used to it and quickly realise that there's simply no point in whining about it any more.

So, I urge everyone to control their hysteria, go quietly into their homes and follow the very worthwhile advice in this leaflet.

From this point on, I will be in my bunker, so, Cheerio for now!

Sir Edward

Ed (Sir)

Stay tuned to the electric wireless for emergency government programming during the current state of emergency.

Radio GB 1984 kHz 999 m

9.30 AM

The Archers

Eddie brings home a vial of Anthrax he bought from Baggy, but Clarrie isn't best pleased.

12.00

How Clean is Your Bomb?

Channel 4’s Kim and Aggie get their feather dusters out on yet another dirty bomb contamination zone.

12.30 PM

Foes

The One Where They Board All the Windows Up and Hide Under the Stairs.

Reception notes

Radio GB is available only on long wave and in glorious Britannic stereo on VHF/FM. We recommend listeners arrange for the installation of a roof aerial to enjoy our full programme of martial music and worrying news.The all-clear will be broadcast in surround sound, followed by a play about Northern Ireland to let you know everything is back to normal.

Department of Social Scrutiny Data Protection Policy

The Department of Social Scrutiny is registered as a Data Collector with the Data Regulator, the Department of Social Scrutiny. The Data Regulator - the Department of Social Scrutiny - is, in turn, registered by the Department of Social Scrutiny, as part of its responsibilities as Regulator of the Data Regulator.

The Department operates complex double-blind procedures in order that Data Collection, regulation and day to day data regulatory investigation staff do not know anything. In cases where staff have multiple data management roles within the Department, they undergo neuro-linguistic programming and hypnosis in order to partition their brains.

Information that the Department collects about you is held securely in a compound guarded by tigers, who are all trained to British Standards 85 90076 and have attained a Grade 1 Competence In Mauling People. The perimeter of the compound is further guarded by a man in a Portacabin with a deep inferiority complex and a hunger for power.

Please continue to read this leaflet on the reverse side of your monitor.

Inspired by my book Britain: What a State

Now available as an expanded ebook on Amazon for £8 or for free through Kindle Unlimited