A Short Guide to Sterling

When it comes to financial status and matters of money and wealth, Britons are, by and large, very private people. Indeed, conspicuous display of wealth is as egregious a no-no as the public exhibition of one’s genitalia or the freely volunteered confession that you own a Yes album. It just isn’t done and, in some cases, may even carry a heavy legal penalty.

Britain has many laws surrounding the use of money. For example, it is illegal to take photographs of money because it is thought to steal the soul of the reigning monarch, which would then lead to the loss of Ravens from the Tower of London and, in turn, the nutritious meals they provide for the so-called Beefeaters.

But that is just one of many royal traditions that surround money. It is often said the Royal Family do not carry cash. It was assumed for many years that, because it included their own likeness, it would have the same effect as giving a dog a handbag mirror and would only lead to confusion. In fact, they do carry cash in a special purse made from a hollowed-out, un-plucked pheasant, as well as a special voucher to print more at any high street copy shop, just in case.

Royalty aside, it is considered impolite and coarse to enquire of a Briton’s financial circumstances, unless you are the chartered accountant of that person, or are commissioning an act of highway robbery when, in either case, it is judged as merely impertinent.

For the true British gentleman or lady, these are all moot points because the very act of becoming completely British means you aspire to join the aristocracy, and never have to worry about money again. That aside, we accept that money – particularly how to acquire it – excites discussion and debate among the populace, and even holds some academic interest for those who have no need of it. Also, we concede that it can be necessary to top-up inheritances from time to time for certain special purposes, such as the purchase of a folly or the provision of a police bribe to make the sirens stop and the allegations go away.

Alternative Moolah

Some Britons claim that money is purely an arbitrary subjective construct and has no inherent value of its own.

So, is this an intelligent deconstruction of fiscal policy? And why not?

Alternative systems exist in outlying hippy communes scattered like pustulant sores across the face of the nation. One such trading system – the world's oldest – is barter. Barter works on the principle of swapping goods or services, and is the perfect solution for folk musicians and health food shops, which would otherwise have difficulty obtaining real payment for their wares.

Unfortunately, transactions that do not involve eggs, car repair, a short Scottish reel or a pick-up truck full of chicken shit can run into difficulty. For example, getting your car serviced in the barter system can take a lot of advance planning. It may be months before you track down a mechanic with the kind of serious omelette fetish you need to complete work on your vehicle, and who’s to say they won’t throw in an unnecessary sword dance to puff up the bill while you’re not looking?

Importance of Money

We all know how important money is to our lives, but how many realise the importance of it to the economy as a whole? In the last few years, money has become the most signifi-cant indicator of all, according to many key economic yardsticks, notably the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s Tea Tray of Indicators.

The Tea Tray is Treasury tradition, presented daily to the Chancellor at 3pm along with Navy biscuits and a steaming pot of laudanum tea. Documents on the tray contain important indices of fiscal fitness like Retail Amazement, Manufacturer Despondency, Business Pessimism About Wholesaler Optimism and the CEO Pissing Forecast. It is on the basis of these documents and the inherent qualities of laudanum and the Admiralty’s Bakery, that key economic decisions are made.

☜ Taking pictures of money is illegal in Britain so, instead, we allowed a borderline crack-fiend to play with our spirograph for an hour, using a number of coloured biros and some fairly suspect Masonic imagery.