“100 One-Liner Jokes to Instantly Brighten Your Day”

told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation—now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.


2. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.


3. My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.


4. I’m not lazy—I’m on energy-saving mode.


5. I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.


6. I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.


7. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s still on the couch.


8. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.


9. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.


10. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.


11. My wallet is like an onion—opening it makes me cry.


12. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.


13. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.


14. Life is short—smile while you still have teeth.


15. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?


16. I dance like no one’s watching—because they’re not. They’re running.


17. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.


18. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.


19. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.


20. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop crashing.


21. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


22. I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.


23. I bought a ceiling fan. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding.


24. My brain has too many tabs open.


25. I used to think I was indecisive. Now I’m not sure.


26. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


27. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.


28. I told my therapist about my split personality. Now they charge me double.


29. I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.


30. I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.


31. Never trust stairs. They’re always up to something.


32. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.


33. I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.


34. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


35. Some people graduate with honors. I am just honored to graduate.


36. I have a photographic memory—it just never developed.


37. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.


38. I used to be a people person. Then people ruined it.


39. If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?


40. I went to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.


41. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He asked how flexible I was. I said I can’t make Tuesdays.


42. I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.


43. I didn’t sleep for eight hours. I was just horizontal and angry.


44. They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.


45. I failed math so many times, I can’t even count.


46. I once made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.


47. The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.


48. Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.


49. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.


50. I tried writing with a broken pencil. It was pointless.


51. My boss is like a software update—always annoying and usually unnecessary.


52. I don’t have gray hair—I have wisdom highlights.


53. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.


54. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


55. I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English alphabet. I don't know y.


56. I love pressing F5. It’s so refreshing.


57. I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome.


58. I'm not weird—I'm limited edition.


59. I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without being questioned.


60. Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you forgot.


61. I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me.


62. Some people wake up with a purpose. I wake up and panic.


63. I work out—just kidding, I take naps.


64. I wanted to grow my own food, but I couldn’t get bacon seeds.


65. My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it.


66. I changed my password to "incorrect." So whenever I forget, it says, “Your password is incorrect.”


67. I told a joke about a broken pencil, but no one got the point.


68. Life is like a camera—focus on the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don’t work out, take another shot.


69. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.


70. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.


71. I’m not addicted to coffee—we’re just in a committed relationship.


72. My phone battery lasts longer than most celebrity marriages.


73. I tried to eat healthy today, but the pizza won.


74. I’m not sure if I have free time or if I’m just forgetting everything.


75. I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side.


76. I told my plant I wouldn’t forget to water it. We both laughed.


77. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


78. I googled my symptoms. Turns out, I just need a nap.


79. I don’t want to adult today. I don’t even want to human.


80. I tried yoga once. Got stuck and fell asleep.


81. I wrote a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.


82. I’m not sarcastic—I’m just fluent in smartass.


83. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.


84. I went to a haunted house and asked the ghost to pay rent.


85. I’m fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Movie Quotes.


86. Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.


87. My spirit animal is a sloth with coffee.


88. I’m on the 30-year fitness plan. I started yesterday.


89. I’m not lazy—I just rest before I get tired.


90. I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.


91. I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle.


92. I named my dog "Five Miles" so I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day.


93. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.


94. My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.


95. I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.


96. My mood depends on how good my hair looks.


97. I told Alexa to play relaxing music, and she started playing a recording of waves crashing—on my bank account.


98. I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new look every morning.


99. My idea of a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


100. If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.