You Don’t Crave Love — You Crave Validation: The Truth About Your Desire to Feel Chosen

You Think You Want Love — But What You Want Is to Be Picked

How many times have you convinced yourself you’re looking for love when deep down, all you wanted was to be picked? To be chosen by someone — anything—just so you could finally feel worthy, seen, and validated.

It may sound harsh, but please bear with me.

We grow up surrounded by messages about love — from silly rom-coms to those never-ending stories about finding “The One.

” We’re taught to chase love like it’s the biggest reward. But the truth is, many of us aren’t looking for real love.

We’re looking to be chosen.

Because being chosen feels like confirmation: See? I am good enough. I am lovable. I matter.

And this deep craving for validation? It’s often disguised as love.

The Difference Between Love and the Need to Be Chosen

Real love feels secure. It grows in healthy soil — respect, connection, mutual understanding.

But this desperate hunger to be picked? That’s rooted in insecurity, not connection. Instead of creating something significant, it's about filling a gap.

You'll discover that there have been instances when you didn't even like the person you were pursuing if you're brutally honest with yourself. You had no genuine chemistry, no shared visions, and no shared ideals. Nevertheless, you held out the hope that this would be the one to select you in the end.

Why?

Because being picked feels like winning.

Validation becomes the trophy. You want them to want you so badly because you’ve tied your worth to someone else's approval.

And when you’re obsessed with being chosen, you ignore red flags. You settle for breadcrumbs. You put up with behavior you’d tell your best friend to run from.

Why This Need Runs So Deep

Here’s the kicker: this desire to be picked didn’t appear overnight.

It likely started years ago. Maybe in childhood, when you felt unseen or overlooked. Or in past relationships where you were made to feel replaceable, disposable, unworthy.

Somewhere along the line, your brain made a connection: being picked = being worthy.

So now, as an adult, you’re walking around craving that next “pick me” moment. You’re not looking for healthy love. You’re looking for someone to soothe the ache inside you.

It’s not about love. It’s about relief.

Signs You’re Chasing Validation, Not Love

Do you know if this is you? Here’s how you can tell:

1. You’re More Focused on Being Wanted Than Being Happy

You prioritize being desired over being respected, cherished, and genuinely happy. If someone shows you attention, you cling — even if they don’t treat you well.

2. You Stay in Situations That Hurt You

You stay because leaving would feel like rejection. You’d rather hold onto hope than face the sting of not being picked.

3. You Feel Empty When You’re Single

Single life feels unbearable because there’s no one around to validate your worth. Your self-esteem plummets without external reassurance.

4. You Ignore Compatibility

You chase people who don’t align with your values or future just because they gave you a little attention. Deep down, you know it’s a poor match, but you hope being chosen will somehow make it right.

5. You Fantasize About “Winning” Someone Over

It’s not about love; it’s about victory. You want to prove you’re desirable, so you focus on changing minds rather than finding someone who already values you.

❤️ Stop chasing, start loving!

The Harsh Truth: Being Picked Won’t Heal You

Even if you get picked, it won’t fix the wound.

Temporary validation feels amazing — like a sugar rush. But it fades fast. You’ll need the next person, the next compliment, the next relationship to sustain you.

Why? Because no one else can fill a hole, you refuse to mend yourself.

Self-worth isn’t something someone else hands you. It’s something you build from within.

How to Break Free From the “Pick Me” Trap

It’s time to flip the script. Here’s how you start:

1. Stop Asking, “Why Don’t They Want Me?”

Start asking: Do I even want them? Do they share my peace, my vision, and my values?

Put more emphasis on internal alignment than on getting acceptance from others.

2. Work on Your Inner Dialogue

That voice inside your head? It matters. If it’s constantly telling you that you’re unlovable without validation, you need to rewrite the narrative. Self-love isn’t just a buzzword — it’s survival.

3. Practice Sitting With Yourself

Learn to sit in silence without reaching for someone to text or someone to chase. Build a relationship with you.

Solitude isn’t punishment; it’s preparation.

4. Redefine What Love Means

Winning someone over is not the goal of love. It is about emotional safety, shared ideals, and respect for one another.

Chasing validation leads to toxic dynamics. Real love leads to growth.

5. Set Standards — And Keep Them

Being picky is not the point of having standards. It all comes down to valuing yourself and refusing to accept anything less. Standards protect your peace.

An Analogy to Help It Sink In

Think of yourself like a tree.

You don’t beg the sun to shine on you. You don’t chase the rain to come nourish your roots. You simply grow where you’re planted, trusting that the right conditions will find you in time.

The tree doesn’t scream, “Pick me!”

It just becomes.

You can too.

You begin to draw people who value and appreciate you for who you are when you give up seeking approval.

Why This Matters More Than You Think

This need to be picked doesn’t just ruin relationships. It ruins your relationship with yourself.

It leads you into situations that steal your peace. It convinces you to lower your standards, tolerate mistreatment, and confuse chaos for connection.

When you’re desperate to be chosen, you’re handing strangers the keys to your self-worth.

You also deserve better.

The Takeaway

If this feels right, think of it as a sign you need to pay attention.

You don’t have to be chosen to be valuable. You already are.

Stop looking for validation in others. Start cultivating it within yourself. The right person won’t make you question your worth — they’ll reflect the love you’ve already given yourself.

And trust me, there’s nothing more attractive than someone who knows their value and refuses to beg for scraps.

Remember:

You are not here to be picked like a product off a shelf. You are here to love, to grow, and to become.

❤️ Stop chasing, start loving!

#relationshipadvice #selfworth #selflove #validation #datingadvice #relationshipgoals #emotionalhealth #confidenceboost #selfrespect #healthyrelationships #mentalhealthawareness #healingjourney #boundaries #toxicrelationships #loveyourself