Wonder Why... We’re All Hypocrites?

Karma? What goes around comes around?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately and realised it often comes down to double standards. We judge others more harshly than ourselves—and most of the time, we don’t even notice we’re doing it.

Take dating as an example (and thank god I don't date anymore). You roll your eyes because he hasn’t texted you back for a week, but at the same time, you’re ignoring someone you went on one awkward date with. Or you think he’s a jerk for dating three women at once, but don’t bat an eye when you double-book.

When it’s them, it’s “bad behaviour.” When it’s us, it’s “justified.”

Why Are We So Much Softer on Ourselves?

Psychologists would say it’s not hypocrisy—it’s human nature.

One explanation is the self-serving bias: we tend to explain away our own mistakes as circumstantial (“I didn’t reply because I was busy”) but label others’ mistakes as flaws in character (“He didn’t reply because he’s selfish”). Some researchers found this pattern so consistent that they called it a “built-in shield” for our self-esteem.

There’s also the actor–observer bias: when we’re the “actor,” we see our actions through context; when we’re the “observer,” we strip context away. For example: you cancel plans because "you’re exhausted." They cancel plans because they “don’t value you.”

And then there’s the bias blind spot: a Stanford study found that most people think they’re less biased than the average person. It explains why we spot double standards in everyone else and rarely in ourselves.

A Personal Example 3,500 Miles Away

I learned this the hard way.

A few years ago, I had a holiday fling with someone who lived across the ocean—3,500 miles away. We both knew it was casual. After he left the country, we kept in touch and texted most days. It was fun at first, until he casually mentioned going on a date.

The first time, I felt unsettled, but laughed it off because the date went badly for him. When he told me about another—one that went well—I lost it. I snapped, accusing him of being insensitive.

Here’s the kicker: while I was berating him for dating, I had been on a few dates myself. He was completely right to call me a hypocrite.

So why was I angry? Why was his behaviour offensive when mine was identical? That’s the thing about double standards: they don’t survive inspection.

Ghosting, Driving, and the Workplace: We’re All Guilty

And it’s not just dating.

Ghosting: A Zipdo survey found that while 74% of people have been ghosted at least once in their dating lives, only 50% admit to ghosting others. We hate when it happens to us—but excuse ourselves when we do it.

Driving: An AAA study showed that most drivers believe speeding is unacceptable… except when they do it. Then it’s “just this once” or “because I was late.”

Workplace: Research from Northwestern’s Kellogg School shows that employees are far more likely to perceive bias in the workplace than their managers, highlighting how those in power often overlook inequities their teams experience.

The same behaviour, judged differently depending on who’s doing it.

Why We Cling to Double Standards

From an evolutionary perspective, double standards may have even been useful. Psychologists argue that favouring ourselves or our “ingroup” made it easier to survive in a competitive world. It’s not fair, but it is adaptive.

And cognitively, it’s just easier to preserve a positive view of ourselves than to hold up the mirror. As Leon Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance explains, when we hold two conflicting ideas (“I’m a fair person” vs. “I just ghosted someone”), our brain finds ways to reduce the discomfort. One way is to create double standards—to quietly excuse ourselves while condemning others.

So What Do We Do With This?

Maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate double standards entirely—that would be impossible. But we can pause when we feel self-righteous, and ask: Am I guilty of this too?

If the answer is yes, go ahead and rant anyway as ranting is good for the soul. But at least do it with self-awareness. Recognise that you’re not morally superior—just human. And if you can forgive yourself for being inconsistent, maybe you can forgive others too.

Because here’s the truth: we’re all walking, talking double standards. The sooner we admit it, the easier it becomes to give each other a little grace.