Why your partner's happiness comes second.

People-pleasing is a common behavior in individuals. It comes from our need to be included in a part of something bigger (or smaller) and ultimately our need to experience a sense of belonging. It’s a product of our biological history because our ancestors needed to remain a part of their tribe for their survival. Yet, in current times, people-pleasing can cause us more harm than good. Especially when it means ignoring ourselves.

Examples of people-pleasing include:

- Saying ‘yes’ even when we really want to say ‘no’ (and vise versa).

- Complying to peer-pressure even if it goes against our beliefs.

- Acting or dressing in certain ways that we think fits the ideals of others in our social circles.

- Holding back our ideas or opinion (or even aspects of our identity) for fear of ‘rocking-the-boat’.

People-pleasing is a self-limiting behavior. Overcoming it starts with awareness and ends with the constant practice of choosing ourselves over what we think others expect from us. That doesn’t mean its useless. There will be times pleasing others is of value to us. But, that is a decision everyone must make based on their own personal boundaries. It all starts with awareness.

The intersection between people-pleasing and personal boundaries is especially important in romantic relationships. This is due to the proximity of individuals in romantic relationships. When people-pleasing behavior occurs, typically unconsciously, one person is sacrificing one of their boundaries for the other. This act can lead to feelings of resentment. That resentment can fester if the people-pleasing behavior goes unnoticed.

I know, because I had to recognize this pattern in myself.

Instead of ‘rocking-the-boat’ with my feelings in certain situations and discussions in my relationship, I held back. It was only for the smaller, ‘less significant’ annoyances that I kept my mouth shut. In my head I believed I was ‘taking accountability’ for my feelings by deeming myself the sole person responsible. This led to a lot of small ‘stuff’ weighing me down unnecessarily. It also led to resentment silently building against my partner.

My silence was a form of people-pleasing. I believed that my honesty was unnecessary because the situation or discussion didn’t bother me ‘enough’. Once I realized this, I stopped holding back my feelings.

This didn’t mean I thoughtlessly shared my feelings every time I felt triggered by a situation of conversation. Instead, I was mindful to not hold onto my opinions even if I wasn’t sure of my feelings at the time. By removing my misguided form of ‘pleasing’ my partner, I was able to have vulnerable conversations.

Vulnerable conversations mean sharing feelings (as I make decisions based predominately on emotions, rather than logic). Even if I wasn’t sure of my opinions on a topic yet I would still share my feelings. While my mind might not have yet decided exactly how to interpret the conversation, my body would always indicate whether something felt ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.

Practicing vulnerability allowed us to establish boundaries for what we were willing and unwilling to do or experience. It also gave us the space to compromise around those boundaries when we identified conflicts between them. At an individual level, it allowed me to dissolve any feelings that may have silently accumulated to resentment. Suddenly, simple tasks felt like less of a burden and I felt closer to my partner.

The key to achieve all this was putting myself before my partners happiness. Not in the sense I sought to dismiss or destroy my partner’s happiness. Rather, I had to accept that I couldn’t control my partner’s happiness. I also had to accept that it was more important in that moment to be open and honest with him (and myself) than to ‘please’ him.

That’s why my partner’s happiness had to come second, not first. In the long run, it means that both parties can be happier and without resentment.