Why You Don't Complete Me

It’s that time of year again- every box of chocolates is decked out in pink and red, stuffed bears are suddenly popular again with those over the age of ten and greetings card companies are doodling little hearts across their profit forecasts. I am, of course, talking about Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not immune to a little romance and I genuinely enjoy buying gifts- cough, support small businesses, cough, but there is a phrase that has been popping up on sparkly cards and trinkets for years now that never fails to set my teeth on edge.

You complete me.

Romantic, right? (I’m being facetious, you’ve read the title of this article, you know I don’t think it’s romantic.)

This expression annoys me for a few reasons:

Number One- It’s overdone. We’ve all seen it on a whole host of products and it leaves me feeling more than a little cold. More food puns instead please – “We brielong together” or “You’ve got a pizza my heart” will do just fine, thank you.

Number Two- What an immense amount of pressure to put on your partner. I’d rather not be the finishing touch on somebody’s life or their reason for feeling whole. I want you to be able to exist happily without me; I am just one, flawed, human being like you and I can only take so much responsibility for your happiness.

And Number Three- I am complete.

I have always been complete. I am growing and changing, yes and I am far from perfect or free from flaws. There are plenty of things I’d like to change about myself, plenty of goals I want to achieve and experiences I’d like to have. But here and now, without any of these things, I am still a complete person.

I am not half of a person. I have never been nor never will be half of a person. I am not a jigsaw with a missing piece or a half written novel or a sketch waiting to be painted over. I am the cake, the icing and the cherry on top. Now, I don’t claim to be a well baked or decorated cake, but I am whole.

We are ever changing creatures, ever evaluating and re-evaluating what we want in the moment and in the grand scheme of things. We are not finished by any means; I don’t believe any person is every truly “finished” but the phrase “you complete me” suggests that we are not fully formed people without romantic entanglements. But we are. Nobody should feel that without a partner(s), they are less than. Nobody should feel like they have something missing in themselves or that their lives are not as full because they haven’t coupled up.

Romance, relationships, falling in love and maintaining that love are all wonderful things and I am not trying to devalue any of those experiences. But it isn’t as easy as flipping through the phonebook and picking out a soulmate (they don’t exist by the way- different topic for a different time). Many people struggle to connect with others, many more are single by choice, some are single through circumstance and will remain that way. And all of these people are whole, complex and complete individuals.

There is no shame in wanting love, a partner(s) or marriage. There is no shame in feeling that your life is enhanced by said relationship and there is no shame in acknowledging that life would be very different and potentially more difficult without that other person or other people in your life. Heartbreak and loss are very real, very common and very painful. But the absence of another person does not make you less of a person.

A relationship won’t cure your depression or fix your communication issues or stop you from procrastinating. It won’t automatically repair everything you perceive to be “wrong” or unsatisfying in your life and again, this phrase- “you complete me” suggests that the cracks in yourself can be patched up if you find the right person. To be blunt, you are the right person. Sure, your partner can support, encourage and advise you but if you want to overcome your own demons, you have to do the heavy lifting yourself. If you’re feeling incomplete, it’s highly unlikely that all it will take is a relationship to change that. You can only work on you for you. To reuse a metaphor, you have all the puzzle pieces you need. You are a complete jigsaw, you might just require a little reassembly. (Though, “you reassemble me” probably won’t sell as well on Valentines cards.)

A partner should complement you and compliment you. They should lift you up when you need it and stick around when you’re down. You should build a relationship on trust, respect and a desire to make a positive impact on one another’s lives. A partner can make your life better, they can make you happier and they can make you feel more at peace with yourself. But nobody can complete you but you.

You enhance me. You improve my life. You make me happy. You make me want to do more and be more. You make me feel. You make me feel. You make me feel like a natural woman. Aside from that last one, or maybe especially that last one, all of these expressions give weight to your emotions and acknowledge the fact that your partner(s) matter and make your life better. But not one of them suggests that your partner(s) are the reason you are a full person. Because they are not.

So no, darling, this Valentine’s Day I won’t be telling you that you complete me. You make me happy, you make me feel safe, you make me laugh. You make my life better and I’m glad to share it, even just a little part of it, with you. Without you, I am complete and without me, you are too. We are two fully formed individuals, two whole people, who just happen to enjoy life more when we’re together. And that feels a lot like romance to me.