Why we love giving advice

As a child, I grew up in a family which does not tolerate freedom of speech. My mother always did what others expected from her. It was a sad situation if you think about it. Me as a child seeing my mother suffer under suppression. My father on the other hand was more a freedom fighter but couldn’t cope with the frustrations his fight brought to life. So I saw him struggling every day while he tried to survive his work and family.

And what about me?

One day I made a decision and I wanna help them both have fewer frustrations.

That did not work out very well. They didn’t hear my motivation to help them. They were too active living their lives.

I guess I only wanted to show my big empathy as a child. Unfortunately, I didn’t find support in my surroundings.

And what about kindness?

After a while, I thought kindness was the solution. So I practiced my empathy mixed with kindness. After a while, I noticed I inspired people 👫 and I felt blessed with my life.

Until one day my good feeling vanished in the air.

What happened?

I simply advised someone about a personal matter and it was not taken well as I expected.

So I kinda closed myself to life. I assure you it was more a dark period than an easy one.

Many years went by and I opened myself again to the world. I did some research and discover that giving advice was not always appreciated by others and especially when I was emotionally close to that person.

What can I do with my empathy and helping skills?

I learned to ask questions instead.

Like for instance “Can I help you with something? I see you are struggling?”

Posing questions work out very well.

……..

My point is that we all have our ways of coping with life and if someone gives advice it’s not necessarily what we need.

And above all, it may feel overwhelming even threatening.

So, if you like me and are full of kindness and compassion, stop giving advice and instead ask first if you could help out?

What says the expert on giving advice?

Someone comes to us with a problem, moved by the desire to be helpful, want to immediately provide a solution. Don’t we have this temptation almost constantly? It’s almost comic: We might not have the solution to our own problems, but somehow we always manage to have the best advice for others.

And another expertise about giving advice…

Dispensing advice right and left is one of my big temptations, despite my training and experience in conflict resolution. Because of my role as an educator, mentor, and coach, I might feel that I have to provide a solution, and when I succumb to this temptation, I fail miserably because I am more eager to show that I am an expert than to listen to the other person and understand him or her. It’s about me feeling good about myself, not about helping the other person feel good.

What happens when we provide advice? Unconsciously, we send to the other person the message that he or she does not have the resources to solve their problem. We say (without saying it), "You are not good enough." And we put ourselves on a pedestal, pretending that we understand the other person’s problem when we are not in their shoes.

So at last, I have made a big effort in my life to listen to people and ask more questions rather than providing answers.

How can I help you?

Again thank you for reading my article. I wish you a nice day.