Why People Cheat and How to Deal with the Aftermath

An issue in the Marriage and Divorce journal stated that 70% of Americans engage in extramarital affairs during their marriage.

This number presents serious implications especially when it comes to discussions about relationships, and the general public’s perception about monogamy.

The question is why?

When people look for a serious relationship and actually find one, why do some still end up being in situations that could destroy the one thing they’ve always wanted to have?

Are we not built for monogamy?

Some claim that monogamy isn’t natural for humans.

We aren’t monogamous as evident by the fact that we rarely only have one partner for our entire lives. Sure, we do have long term relationships with one person. But most of us don't get to keep this relationship for our entire lives.

We get together, then months or years later, we eventually break up with our lovers.

Why? — Simple. It could be because people are rarely satisfied.

We either chase after the better things in life. Or we tend to focus on what we don’t have.

For example, you might be in a healthy relationship. One that’s brimming with happiness and a mature, genuine connection. But later on, you might then feel a certain lack of intimacy in your relationship. It’s something your current partner simply can’t provide. To fill it, some of us resort to intimacy outside of the relationship.

But while this is so, it doesn’t mean monogamy isn’t possible or even desirable.

Many of us still dream of being with someone that will be there for us until the end, someone we can always hold close when things get uncertain, someone we can always call ours.

While we aren’t biologically built to stay with only one partner, it has already become a societal norm for us to be. Infidelity is, to our society, morally wrong. While we can’t expect all relationships to be “perfect,” it doesn’t mean you get to tolerate their bad behavior.

What are some common red flags?

A shift in your partner’s behavior is always a telling sign that something is wrong. More commonly than so, the following behavioral patterns will be prevalent in your relationship.

1. An Unusual Need for Privacy

They will become so suddenly guarded about the secret they’re keeping. You might notice how their phones will suddenly become off-limits for you. Or, they might be somewhere and they won’t tell you where.

Sometimes this behavior can be very obvious. Most of the time, they’re very careful. Be observant if they suddenly become reclusive about their routines.

Another telling sign is that every time you want to ask or address this behavior, your partner deflects the issue and turns to accuse you of not trusting them.

2. Flaky

You might begin to feel as if you’re dating two people at the same time (and no you aren’t the cheater in this scenario).

One minute they might be love bombing you – being overly affectionate to compensate for their guilt. The next moment, they will be distant and away in their own world on their phones.

It can also be a telling sign if they cancel dates at the last minute. Or be very nervous while spending time with you. The truth is that holding back from getting busted of a lie requires hard work. They can be so on the edge it might come out that they can let it slip through their actions.

How do you handle cheating?

There’s no way to avoid getting yourself heartbroken. Unless you become a brick and feel completely nothing.

However, there are things that can help you get through the heartbreak of a cheating incident.

1. It’s not always about you.

A common first reaction is to think that it’s your fault that your partner cheated on you. Never blame yourself for what happened. Most of those who’ve been with cheating partners usually associate the behavior with them, believing that they are the problem.

“Maybe, I wasn’t able to provide for her needs? Maybe, I wasn’t good enough.”

What you need to remember is that cheating is a choice.

This could occur as a result of conflict and instead of addressing the issue, some resort to infidelity to blow off some steam. It could stem from a problem both of you can fix but one ultimately decides to cheat. It’s their decision to let go instead of holding on.

So, no. It’s not always about you. Don’t blame yourself.

2. Move on at your own time

Opening yourself back to the idea of love can be hard once someone breaks your trust. It’s completely fine to feel like this. And sometimes only time can heal your wounds.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. Anger, frustration, sadness — allow yourself to experience all these things and acknowledge what you’re experiencing. Don’t shut yourself down from your emotions. They can help you recover and heal yourself.

But, it’s also important to note that just because you’re in a low time of your life, it doesn’t mean you’re going to let that affect your relationship with others. Feeling sad doesn’t give you the pass or exception to behave badly towards other people.

Lastly, feel your emotions but don’t wallow in them. Don’t also let your emotions become what you do for days. Allow yourself some time to process what you feel, but also move on and do something else that might take your mind off of it.

3. Shut off any withdrawal symptoms

Cut off any communication with your ex.

“Obviously, they hurt me. Why would I entertain them again?”

You might think it’s that easy but it isn’t. Once you break up, all the feel-good hormones you had whenever you’re together will disappear.

What happens when you’ve learned to love a treat so much, you have it every day and then suddenly it’s taken from you completely? — You’ll crave for it.

When your partner is no longer there to give you the warmth and love you’ve been receiving, you will end up craving for them. But don’t give in.

If you do, chances are you’re either going to question yourself again for what happened.

Or, you end up entertaining them again. Sure, if you’re lucky, you can end up in a stronger relationship. But going by the numbers, that’s not what’s going to happen. You’re only going to go back to the same cycle, and get yourself hurt.