Why Men Doing More Housework Might Really Increase the Chances of Divorce — Just Not for the Reasons You Think

A study has been doing the rounds on social media of late, a reputable one at that. It was conducted by Akershus University College of Applied Science in Norway in 2012, and it frequently pops up — especially in the manosphere — mainly because of the perplexing findings.

The study found that the most likely couples to divorce are the ones where the household chores are shared equally, or where men do more.

That means unlike in the popular vernacular, where we drill it home time again that the key to a happy marriage is men helping more around the house, this study implies the opposite is true.

This leaves us with an interesting question. What the hell is going on?

Relationship studies are fickle — and for a very good reason

A frequent flaw with relationship studies is that they focus more on what we do than how we connect.

For example, like the aforementioned study, focusing on housework, as if a man or a woman doing more will somehow define the success of a relationship.

It won’t, you don’t need a study to see that, you just need to look at relationships.

For example, you’ll find successful couples who live the traditional way, the modern way, this way, that way, every way imaginable. You’ll also find couples who have tried to live all the latter ways and failed.

This is because it’s not what couples do per se that make successful relationships, it’s how compatible their respective lifestyles are.

Yup, a blip, I’m serious.

Lifestyle compatibility is key to relationships — not specific behaviours

My grandparents had a very traditional relationship, and I mean very traditional. My grandmother did everything around the house — the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping, the vacuuming, the gardening. Everything.

However, for managing the cars, going on holidays, arranging meals out, days out, it was all my grandfather.

I could use this to sell the benefits of traditional marriages.

I won’t, because traditional marriages have no greater chance of success than non-traditional and never have. In fact, the most tried and tested relationship dynamic is one where both the man and woman work.

This is because, unlike popular belief, the breadwinner housewife dynamic was a momentary blip in history.

The traditional breadwinner housewife marriage is not traditional

Prior to the 1800s, it was the norm to leave children largely to their own accord. This was down to necessity, not choice.

Women had to work, just like the men. Everyone did, even children. That is the true historical norm.

The problem with this was, it was a large contributor to the crazy high child mortality rate — think upwards of 70/80 percent for the families that had the least time to spend with their children.

This is why once the Industrial Revolution came along and it became possible for a household to survive on one income, a lot of mothers started becoming full-time mothers.

However, there was a problem.

No, not that, not yet.

The problem was, parenting practices, which were passed down by families, were terrible, and doctors and scientists were starting to discover this.

As such, a solution was needed to mass educate the populace on good parenting practices.

See where this is going?

Yup, a compulsory education system that taught men how to work in the workforce, and women how to keep children alive.

That means for the first time in history, motherhood was professionalized. It became a full-time job.

Men could not be given this education, or take this job, as somebody had to keep society going, hence, why they were taught to be workers.

I give you the birth of the breadwinner housewife dynamic. A very fair deal. Men work, women keep the children alive.

However, as the knowledge of how to keep children alive gradually became widespread, and as technology continued to improve, the housewife model died out faster than it came in.

The point I’m making is that the breadwinner housewife dynamic, so the traditional marriage, was a very short-lived thing. The norm is very much a working man and woman.

But here’s the interesting thing, since that is the case, that means the working man and woman is the most tried and tested relationship style there is, and what we call the traditional marriage, so the breadwinner housewife dynamic, is the least tried and tested.

Yet both were successful for their time. The question is why, what made them successful?

To answer that, I bring you back to my grandparent's marriage. It worked so well not because it was traditional, but because both felt the other was contributing equally.

Yup, felt.

Feelings define a relationship's success — not actions

In the past, because relationships were about survival, and it was much harder to find partners, it was much easier for couples to feel like they were getting a fair deal.

My grandmother felt she was getting a fair deal, and it makes sense why, she was a very particular person, and liked things to be a very particular way — especially around the house.

If my grandfather got in her way in any sort of manner when it came to the house, or tried to have any of it his way, they would not have been together — at least not in the modern world.

That means their relationship worked brilliantly because my grandfather cared so little about the home front, that he wasn’t interested in having any say or control of it.

Yup, he let the house be completely and entirely hers. She did everything her way, had everything her way. The price of this was that she had to do all the housework, which she was happy to do because it allowed her to make certain everything was her way.

Combine this with my grandmother’s willingness to stay out of my grandfather’s way when it came to the cars, the holidays, the days out and all that, it made for the perfect couple because both felt they were getting fair deals.

To put that more bluntly, they let each other get on with the things they enjoyed getting on with, then reaped the rewards of each other’s actions, which made each feel they were getting very good deals.

Considering this, is it surprising they lasted so long and were so happy together?

Exactly. I give you the true key to a successful relationship. Not the style of the relationship, but our feelings over the fairness of it.

Feelings of fairness are everything — nothing else matters

I’ll give you an example of a typical style of troubled couple I too often come across in my work as a therapist. The woman complains the man is not doing enough around the house, the man complains the woman is always on his back.

Popular culture would tell you to assume the man is the problem here, and that he should do more, and if he did, it would save the relationship.

It wouldn’t, it would make the relationship even more fraught. This is because it would make the man feel even more hard done by than he already does.

The problem is, if he does less, the woman will feel even more hard done by.

This is because the problem is not that the man is not doing enough, or that the woman is on his back because of that, it’s that the couple are not lifestyle compatible.

It’s really that simple. A couple has to be able to find a centre ground that leaves both feeling like they are getting a fair deal, but to do that, they have to have complementary styles of living.

The reason in my experience why so many relationships crumble because of household related matters, is typically because the couple’s lifestyles, rather than being complementary, get in each other’s way.

For example, one person may be quite happy living in a mess, whereas the other may not but at the same time doesn’t like cleaning up after people. In this scenario, the couple will eternally aggravate each other, one by making mess, the other by complaining about that mess.

And it doesn’t matter which way round this is, whether it’s the man who likes a clean house, or the woman, the outcome is always the same in these situations.

That means, and I’m repeating this again just for emphasis, it’s never the dynamic of the relationship that defines its success, nor is it what each person does per se, it’s how both feel about fairness.

Bringing this back to why it makes sense that couples where men who do more of the housework are more likely to divorce, it’s because, and this is just in my view, men typically want more in return for doing housework.

When you look at the studies highlighting men who do more of the housework are more likely to divorce, think about that.

Final words

Every relationship that succeeds, succeeds because two lifestyles have come together that complement each other. Every relationship that fails, fails because two lifestyles have come together that don’t.

That means it’s got nothing to do with the man helping out more around the house, or the woman being a housewife/ stay-at-home mother. All of that is irrelevant. What matters is whether the way you live compliments the way the person you want to marry lives.

It is that, that, and only that, that defines the success of a relationship. Nothing else.

So, if you want a happy marriage, forget about household labour division, and focus on discovering how complementary your lifestyles are, otherwise your divorce is already written in the stars.