Why Is There a Desire to Change the Habits of Your Partner and What Does This Say About Your Relationship?

What would we change about our partner? The ideal answer would be "I wouldn't change anything, I love him the way he is" - but how often is life so simple? There will always be some traits or habits of the partner that we would rather not have or have!

The important thing is how we look at the situation: do we make a "stallion mosquito" and focus on what does not suit us or do we accept our loved one as he is, without always insisting on what is not as we would like?

A little story: a young man, let's call him Mike, falls madly in love with Jane, a beautiful, smart, funny girl who, to his happiness, also loves him. But she is an independent girl, free - even libertine - and always fun. Mike, on the other hand, is a more withdrawn young man, for whom a perfect evening means staying home and enjoying a movie and a discussion.

She has a somewhat opposite style, not wanting another quiet and stable life and not wanting their relationship to go too fast, to become serious; while he wants something certain: so he asks them to choose, to get seriously involved in their relationship or to give it up… He tells her that he has a style that is too detached, too indifferent and that if she loves him, it would be normal to spend more time with him and not with her friends.

Loving him, Jane accepts the serious commitment and accepts to soften her thrilling lifestyle: they start to share their evenings in a way that suits both of them - a quiet evening at home, a fun evening in the city. Time passes, and Jane becomes more and more attached to Mike, but also the stable and quiet lifestyle - she also starts to prefer intimate evenings for two, she starts to put the relationship first and social life remains in the shadows.

Until, after a while, Mike says to her: "where is the independent girl, happy and always on her wives? Why have you changed so much? Why did you become so attached to me? "… Jane, at first for his sake and then under the influence of attachment, habit, and perhaps her maturity, changed the way he wanted at first.

But now he wonders why she has changed so much because she no longer recognizes her and she misses that free girl, who did not depend and did not listen to anyone!

The conclusion? Simple: take care of what you want! Because if you dream that your partner is in a certain way or not in a certain way, if this happens, you may well realize that in fact, things were only going well as they were before! You may find that even though it sometimes annoys you, the couple's partner was right for you as you were, that you loved him for who he is, despite the irritating aspects.

What I would change about my partner:

"I wish he was more mature, not just thinking about having fun and not just doing what he likes."

"I would like him to be more open, to tell me what he thinks and feels, not to sit in his corner."

"I wish everyone wouldn't take anything seriously and not get angry about anything."

"I would like to be more spontaneous, to enjoy life - for example, when I propose to pack a little and go a day away, not to look at me like crazy and let go with the wave ".

"I wish he wasn't so shy, withdrawn, and unsure."

"I would like him to spend more time with me and less with friends."

"I would like him to be more attracted to me, freer, more willing to experiment intimately."

"I would like to be more concerned with the future, with the idea of ​​a family."

"I would like them to take more physical care, to get better, to look better."

"I would like to give up his habit of…".

And the list goes on… Finally, there are so many answers to the question of what we would change in our partner, how many relationships and people there are!

But longing for a change and asking your partner to change is almost like saying "you're not good enough for me" (if you think so, what are you doing with your partner?)! When there is something you can't accept from your partner, it's time to ask questions about the fit and compatibility between you - to think that you can't be with him/her unless it changes means that maybe it's not right for you.

In addition, a person does not change in his essence - he can adapt to new situations, he can adapt to new situations and he can change some habits; but this is because we are all in a continuous formation, and under the influence of experiences, we grow, we mature (especially at a young age). Equally important, a person changes when he or she wants it and not when it is asked!

Returning to the story from the beginning, Jane did not change because Mike asked her: she only made a compromise related to her lifestyle for his sake; but under the influence of her new married life and her growth, her maturation (she was 22 years old at the beginning of the relationship, and this change lasted 6 years of relationship), she became a calmer person, who values ​​stability and life. calm.

But her change is her maturity and adaptation to married life, which at first he wanted, and then to be baffled by it.

But if there is something important to remember: then this is:

1. Be careful what you want from the relationship and partner, because the desired change may prove to be not so beneficial;

2. Don't ask him to change for you, don't ask him to become someone else, don't insist on a major change of what he is - because a person changes not because he is told, but because he wants it or for that, he adapts to his life and grows as a man…

Partners make compromises, give up some habits, adapt to each other, but this when they want it and when they are willing to make a compromise; thus, you can openly tell your partner what's bothering you, but you can't make him / her change unless he/she wants it too… And don't tell him/her as if, without changing, he/she is not good enough you!