"Why are you dumbing yourself down?"

A conversation after I mistakenly let my guard down and said, "the wrong type of thing" - Instead of being harmlessly silly and full of puns.

Some well-meaning person takes you to one side and says,

.

Them:

"Why are you dumbing yourself down?"

.

Me:

"Survival"

.

Them:

"But you shouldn't feel the need to do that!"

.

Me:

<Here we go, again...>

"People don't like people so much smarter than them"

"It makes them want to humiliate and hurt you."

.

Them:

"Why do you feel that way?"

.

Me:

"Experience"

"It makes people feel insecure"

"They assume a weird brain means you feel superior"

"Because they still think that being smart actually matters"

"When it is actually charm that rules the world, not brains,"

"This weird brain does not make me feel superior"

"It makes me feel invisibly, socially disabled"

"I am, instead, inferior because I can never really belong anywhere"

.

Them:

"Don't be so foolish,"

.

ME:

<SIGH>

<I look into those blank, sad, concerned eyes>

<They have not registered a single thing I said>

<Why do I even bother to try>

<There are mice in electric shock cheese mazes that learn these sorts of pain lessons faster than I do>

<Why do I still hope?>

"Uh hum..."

<I nod>

<I pretend to agree with them>

.

Them:

"Most people are nice given the chance"

.

ME:

<Maybe This time, This person, will be different,>

"That is not what I see"

"It is Not what Every life experience has shown me"

"50 years off Life has shown me exactly the opposite"

"There is NO evidence to prove what you claim"

"I have to hide - fit in - to manage - to live day to day in a very basic way."

.

Them:

"You don't have to hide who you are to get on with them"

.

Me:

<Remembering that I need this person...>

<Gritting my jaw and narrowing my eyes and trying not to sound too obviously sarcastic.>

<I do not want to be alone...>

"Yeh..."

"Obviously, you are right"

"How silly of me..."

.

Them:

"Don't worry you just need a little guidance"

"People like me - will like you"

.

Me:

<No, They won't. Not really...>

<Gritting my jaw a bit tighter and narrowing my eyes and trying not to sound too obviously enraged and aggressive.>

"Yeh... Of course"

"Obviously, you are totally correct"

"How very silly of me..."

.

Them:

"There you go!"

"Better?"

.

<Again -I force a smile and choose to survive>

.

This subject is not about ego;

It is about surviving a traumatic world that demonises non-standard thoughts.

.

.

The flat next door.

By Ross E F Lombardi.

.

They party all night.

The noise keeps me awake.

But I do not feel mad.

.

They party all night.

So I can not sleep.

But it just makes me so very deeply sad.

.

They live all night,

I lie awake knowing,

I do not belong anywhere,

That such togetherness type can never be me.

.

They get to be human all night.

While my icy isolation,

Is the proper natural order of things.

It is the way it's supposed to be.

.

They party all night.

Laughing, singing and being.

Reminding me of a life of "liked",

That I can never have.

.